


i think i'll write songs about you (platonically, of course)

by arexnna



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2018-10-27 03:37:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 68,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10800900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arexnna/pseuds/arexnna
Summary: "Okay, so maybe 532 and I are the same person.""Maybe?""Okay, 532 and Iarethe same person."a camren college au where Lauren is someone's #UCLACrush and Lauren may have a crush on someone in UCLA(was supposed to be a two-part fic, but plans change and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)





	1. part one

**_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 2 hrs _

_#UCLACrush532_

_the girl in the library today sitting with two of her (also finee af) friends with the piercing green eyes and the black hair and black jacket and black combat boots, you’re really really pretty and beautiful and not to be a stalker, but i saw your The 1975 t-shirt and any chance you’d date me?_

_ Shawn Mendes _ _, Debby Ryan and 7 others liked_

**__ **

**_ Normani Kordei _ ** _ Dinah Jane Hansen does this not sound like Lauren Jauregui lol someone’s got a crush on our lil vampire_

↳ **_Dinah Jane Hansen_** _omfg idc who it is bc she said we’re fine af, so I approve_

 ↳ **_Dinah Jane Hansen_** _Lauren_ _get on that lauser_

  ↳ **_Lauren Jauregui_** _literally there are dozens other black haired green eyed girls wtf guys and it’s definitely not me because I don’t have any ‘fine af’ friends_

   ↳ **_Normani Kordei_** _bitch said wha?_

 

"Okay- maybe it's  _that_  chick-"

"You mean the one that's looking right at us  _scared shitless_ because you're basically yelling and pointing at her in the  _library_?" Lauren points out, hiding her face behind her hand, really hoping the girl sitting three tables over doesn't feel too violated by Dinah's antics.

She's been at this for the past two days ever since Normani had tagged them in that damn post. The two of them are dead convinced that whoever the poster was talking about is Lauren, and nothing she's said can and will get them believing otherwise.

Yesterday, Dinah's study breaks –  _which lasted for at least fifteen minutes every ten minutes –_ were basically filled with her conspiring who the anonymous poster's identity is, every few moments pointing out a different girl. And while Normani didn't always play along with Dinah's ridiculousness, the few times she'd commented –  _"No, not her. Doesn't look like the type who'd like The 1975 – not when all the stickers on her laptop are hard metal bands."_ - had been enough to spur Dinah on, leaving Lauren to fend off for herself. Their table's received four too many glaring looks from the librarian that sits by the reception just in the three hours since they first sat down today, looking very much the stereotype with her rectangular framed glasses, beige cardigan and perpetual frown in her brow.

" _Sorry_  for trying to get you some," Dinah huffs before she turns her attention back to her laptop, and while it may  _look_ like she's  _finally_ going back to revising, Lauren knows that it's more likely that she's just added another pair of heels into her shopping bag. 

The eye roll from Normani who casts a look at Dinah's screen all but confirms Lauren's theory.

"You need to get laid, Lauser. You're all grumpy and tense all the time- a little freak in the sheets could be good for your stress," Dinah continues, and now Lauren's huffing, rolling her eyes as Normani agrees with shrug.

"I get laid," she defends, crossing her arms over her chest as she leans against the back of the seat.

"Makeouts with random girls at parties don't count," Normani points out, before Dinah adds, "Besides, this  _UCLA Crush_  person seems to be really into you."

"You got that from  _one post_?"

"Trust me on it," Dinah says, the smirk on her lips too sly for Lauren's liking.

She rolls her eyes again.

See, when Dinah puts her mind to something – she pulls through. So, when the post first came up, and Normani had tagged them, Dinah had promised that she was going to find out who the person behind submission  _#532_ was. She'd even gone so far as to make sure they'd gotten the same seats as last time, shooing away freshmen from the area just so that  _'it's easier for 532 to spot us if she wants'_.

"Besides," Lauren continues, knowing very well that she's going to regret carrying on the conversation the moment she begins, "we don't even know if UCLA Crush is a girl even."

"No guy types like that – and  _The 1975_ isn't the most  _guy-oriented_ band, is it?"

"She has a point," Normani adds, and Lauren's almost scared her eyes are going to fall out of their sockets from the amount of eye rolls she's sending them.

"Whatever," Lauren caves, "You two conspire what you want.  _I'm_ going to catch up on the  _thirty_  lectures I'm behind on," she says in finality, turning back to her own laptop to go through the slides on German foreign policy that she may or may not have slept through.

Casting her eyes up, Normani's returned back to her work, whereas Dinah's eyes are focused intently on her notepad, but just as she begins to think that Dinah's actually getting some notes down, Lauren notices how the paper is simply a list of names, some of them crossed out, while others are circled or have question marks next to them.

She doesn't bother to question it, because  _one,_ she has almost ten weeks of lectures to catch up on, and  _two_ , she could honestly not care less.

The hunt for  _'532'_  – as Dinah's decides to call the  _mystery_   _poster_  – carries on for far longer than Lauren would like. Finals are in three weeks, but Dinah's still hell-bent on figuring out who it is, studies be damned.  _(Though, to Dinah's credit, she's been pretty on top of her work throughout the semester, giving her leeway to slack now, which Lauren's_ totally not  _envious of or anything.)_  She's only spurred further on when 532 submits another post.

 

 **_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 3 hrs _

_#UCLACrush727_

_@ green eyes & black hair, it’s your fellow 1975 fangirl here again. saw you again with your friends today. you looked really stressed out but you still managed to pull off the look. i’ve been told i’m a pretty good study buddy if you ever get bored of your friends :)_

_ Normani Kordei _ _, Troye Sivan and 5 others liked_

**__ **

**_Normani Kordei_** _Dinah_ _ Lauren _

And thanks to 523 –  _or is she now 727? –_ Lauren has to endure Dinah's smug smirk for a whole day at the reveal that she is, in fact, a girl, and that Dinah was, in fact, right  _(a point that Dinah made sure Lauren wouldn't live down)._

"She sounds cute, Laur!  _And_ she seems smart – which basically fits your criteria for your type:  _cute, smart and gay!"_

"That's not true," Normani chimes in, "Remember when she had a crush on that one  _Coffee Bean_  barista and she was like  _the straightest of straights?"_

 _"Ooh,_ you're right. Well,  _cute, smart and female,_ then!" Dinah easily amends, bright grin on her face.

" _Right,"_ Lauren replies, as she lays back in her bed, crossing her arms behind her head, "because you can tell how  _cute_ and  _smart_ she is from two  _anonymous_  Facebook posts."

"Well, as an honorary cute girl myself," Dinah says in that air of confidence that only she can pull off, "it doesn't take much for me to recognise another cute girl."

"Notice how she was careful enough not to claim that she's smart," Normani whispers to Lauren, though purposefully not soft enough for Dinah not to catch, earning her a cutting glare from Dinah while Lauren breaks out into a grin.

 _"Shut up,"_ Dinah puts on a look of mock offense, but it's gone a second later when she mentions some poetry slam she's going to tomorrow, all because the guy she's going out on a date with is some lit nerd. Both Normani and Lauren turn down the invitation to tag along, neither one of them really wanting to third wheel her date, Normani claiming she has better things to do than watch Dinah pretend she likes poetry for a dude, while Lauren straight out tells her that she has an appointment with Netflix.

Two days later, and they're back at their  _(now self-declared)_ spot in the library. Dinah's far too busy gushing over her new guy  _(some preppy film studies major named Daniel)_  that she forgets about her hunt for 532,  _and Lauren is grateful_.

She's going on about how he'd walked her all the way back even though his dorm's halfway across campus, how he'd even thrown his coat over her shoulders when she's cut off by herself, eyes going wide before she all but yells out across the library, Lauren pre-emptively ducking her face into her hands when she calls out,  _"Hey! Camila, right?"_

Lauren hears an uncertain  _'Yeah?'_ from behind her, and when she peeks out through her fingers, she watches from across the table as Dinah gestures wildly at the whoever it is that's behind her to come over, even Normani looking mildly embarrassed by the whole interaction.

 _"Who_ is _that?"_ Normani hisses under her breath, Lauren watching as she puts on a supposedly sweet smile for the person who's making her way over, the sound of her shoes against the hard floor getting closer to Lauren, who's still hiding her face in her hands.

"Oh, I saw her yesterday at— _Camila, right?"_  Dinah cuts herself off, repeating her question just as Lauren feels a presence to her right, standing awkwardly at the end of the table.

"Yeah, Camila," the girl –  _Camila_  – confirms, her voice bordering the line between husky and sweet, Lauren notices.

She  _also_ notices the kick that Dinah gives to her shin, giving her a pointed look – and it's then that she realises she's still hidden her face away, and in an attempt not to look like a complete weirdo, Lauren straightens up, sending Dinah a forced smile before she turns to face Camila who—

_Woah._

The first thing she notices about her is—

Whatever rom-com cliché she was expecting when her eyes meet Camila doesn't quite happen – not when Dinah's voice intrudes her thoughts, her attention almost immediately diverted to her friend who's sitting across her, smiling up at Camila with a friendly smile as she says,

"I saw you at the slam last night and- you're like  _amazing_  and I hope this isn't too forward, but-" Dinah pauses for the shortest of moments, gaze darting to Lauren for even less than a millisecond and there's that small glint of mischief in her eyes that has Lauren worrying what her next words are going to be-  _is she going to completely set Lauren up right now? is she going to say that Lauren thinks she's cute- because like, she_ really  _does think Camila's cute from the one second glance she took, but like-_ "-I really want to be your friend."

_Well._

Normani's stifling a laugh while Lauren's more confused than anything, definitely not expecting for Dinah to go there, and she's sure this Camila girl is probably as confused, or more so, except when Lauren turns towards her to gauge her reaction, she's all sweet smiles and twinkling eyes as she easily shrugs before she says, "Sure! Let's be friends," she adds with a grin.

Dinah takes it all in stride, Normani on the other hand looks kind of impressed with Camila's response, probably just as surprised as Lauren is at the ease of her reply.

"Great!" Dinah exclaims a little too loudly, earning a hissing  _'Shh!'_ from across the library that she waves off, before inviting Camila to sit with them.

And as easily as she'd accepted her proposal of friendship, she moves around Lauren, settling herself comfortably in the seat next to her.

"I'm Dinah," she introduces herself, Camila nodding before she turns to Normani who does the same with a soft smile, then finally to Lauren who presses her lips into an attempted smile before she says,  _"Lauren."_

"Lauren," Camila repeats, the grin she wears after as though she likes the way her name rolls off her tongue just as much as Lauren does.

Dinah takes over the conversation, talk thrown between the two of them as though they'd been friends for their whole lives, not like they've just formally met less than five minutes ago. Even Normani warms up to her quickly at the mention of a Beyoncé concert Camila watched while she'd toured in Miami –  _where Camila happens to be from, and if Lauren weren't so goddamn frozen, maybe she'd be able to tell her that she's a 305 native as well_. 

 _Meanwhile_ , Lauren's awkwardly sitting there, attention directed between her readings and the conversation – and if Dinah weren't so busy enthralled by their talk of some show they both watch, she'd probably berate Lauren for being so quiet.

By the time Camila realises she has to go –  _"I forgot that I left Ally at the silent section and she's going to kill me if I ditch her any longer"_ – Dinah and her have exchanged numbers, and Camila's gone ahead and added the three of them on Facebook, and Lauren thinks she might have imagined it but she's almost sure that Camila had grinned at her as she said  _'cute pic'_  at Lauren's profile.

It's odd, but as quickly as Lauren had accepted her request on Facebook, they all become fast friends.

 _Well,_ Dinah and Normani faster than Lauren – which by her standards is still fast.

Camila joins them at their table two days later, this time bringing her friend – a personified ball of sunshine – Ally to sit with them.

One study session later, and it becomes a recurring thing. The five of them sitting at their table  _(everyone else seeming to know this too, because no matter how full the library gets, their spot is always free when they want it – and Lauren suspects that Dinah may or may not have managed to scare some other students off for good)_ in their respective seats as they all dive into their work.

"Sometimes I regret taking Music Industry as my minor," Ally says as she lets out a fatigued huff. "There's just so much we need to know."

Camila reaches over and gives her a soft squeeze, "Well, it's what you might want to do, so it'll be worth it to do," she reasons.

"Well I wish I took something easy."

"Like?"

"I don't know? Maybe LGBT Studies," she says, then with a wild grin, she adds, "Then I can just observe Camila in her natural habitat and write a paper on  _'The Recluse Bisexual'_."

Lauren watches as Camila presses on a frown in her brows, the cutest pout on her lips while Ally, Normani and Dinah crack up at the joke.

(Ally looks all sweet and bright, but Lauren's realised that she can be just as savage as Dinah and Normani are. She decides she loves the girl all the more because of that.)

Meanwhile, Lauren, however, perks up at that. Before, she'd only  _assumed_  that with what she  _hoped_ was subtle flirting from Camila that she wasn't  _straight_ , but this all but confirms it, and she catches herself grinning at that.

" _Hey,_  do you think she could be 532?" Lauren hears Dinah ask, finding her nodding towards some girl just a table over with thick framed glasses and olive skin, slight curls to her hair that's tied up in a bun as she scribbles intently into her notebook.

"532?" Ally asks, before Normani explains it all, both Camila and Ally nodding as she retells the whole thing.

"Dinah's  _determined_ to find out who it is," Normani finishes. "Which  _I_  think Dinahshould give a rest," Lauren adds looking at the person in question as she does.

"It's only because Lauser here gets all tense when she hasn't had a good lay in a while. The easiest indicator to tell if she's got some is when she's suddenly  _really_ talkative."

 _"She_ is right  _here,"_ Lauren points out, huffing out annoyed as she crosses her arms over her chest.

But Dinah just shrugs, unfazed, "Couldn't tell since you don't  _talk_."

Lauren rolls her eyes, muttering under her breath that  _"I do talk,"_ with a petulant pout on her lips.

 _"See-_ and  _you_  thought it's because she didn't like you—"

Camila cuts off Ally's exclamation with an obvious nudge, but it's too little too late, the rest of them catching what was being said.

Lauren sees the flush of red that teases at Camila's cheekbones from her side profile. She's not  _blind_ to not be able to see that Camila's  _attractive_ to say the least – with the strong line of her jaw, her chestnut eyes, her plump lips, and her overall  _personality, really_ – but with the blush rising in her face and how she squeezes her eyes shut in embarrassment, nose crinkling with it, Camila's  _fucking adorable._

But she shakes herself out of her little trance, quickly reassuring that, "I don't  _not_ like you-  _wait_ \- I mean I don't like you-  _no_ \- I  _do_ like you-  _wait-_ but not like  _that_ \- I'm just-" she stammers out, Normani biting down on her laugh as Dinah takes over with a, "Excuse her, she hasn't had sex in a while so she forgot how to communicate like a  _normal_  human being."

The embarrassment evident on Camila's face disappears at that, laughing along with the other girls as she casts a look at Lauren, soft smile forming at her lips as Lauren mirrors it. 

 

 **_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 1 hr _

_#UCLACrush921_

_hey green eyes. its 1975 girl again. still here. still very much into chicks. still very much into you. hmuu_

_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ _, Hailee Steinfeld and 10 others liked_

**__ **

**_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ ** _ Normani Ally Lauren Camila guess who’s back back again 532’s back tell a friend_

↳ **_Ally Brooke_** _Lauren_ _date her!! she seems sweet_

 ↳ **_Lauren Jauregui_** _you know that from one post?_

  ↳ **_Camila Cabello_** _Ally’s the sweetest of sweets. So she knows when another sweetiepie is in her vicinity_

   ↳ **_Normani Kordei_** _fool proof logic, Mila_

    ↳ **_Camila Cabello_** _:)_

Finals come and go, and the night Normani finishes her Business paper, Dinah calls for a girls' night out on the group chat – which really just ends up with them headed to Ally's apartment when Camila slips and falls while dancing just a half hour after they arrive, deciding it best to turn it into a  _girls' night in_  to avoid any more injuries.

It's really their first hang out as the five of them outside the library, and from there, Dinah declares that they have become  _'a squad',_  a term both Camila and Lauren cringe at while Normani and Ally laugh along to.

While she'd consider them a close group  _(or squad, as Dinah insists)_ , she wouldn't say her and Camila are quite at the  _close friend_ stage yet –  _definitely_ not like how Dinah and Camila had bonded, or how Ally and Normani had grown close, especially not when Lauren's just recently managed to hold a lasting conversation with the other girl over the  _OITNB_ cliff-hanger –  _because what type of stereotypical non-heteros would they be if they_ couldn't  _bond over OITNB?_ And  _yeah,_ she may be just  _a little_ jealous that the rest of them get along so well, while Lauren's just the outcast clinging to Normani and Dinah as they make conversation with the other two.

They're in a tentative place in their friendship, the stage where they can talk easily in the group, but have yet to hangout as  _just_ the two of them to see how comfortable conversation would be.

It changes when winter break starts.

With Ally and Normani gone, the both of them flying back to Texas yesterday, Dinah invites her and Camila over to her dorm to binge Netflix. And everything's fine and dandy with Dinah being the buffer between them, keeping conversation light and entertaining, but of course her guy  _has_  to call her and she excuses herself from the room to take it outside, leaving Camila and Lauren alone as they lay on their stomachs facing the laptop screen.

And things remain fine when with the episode running, Camila making small comments that has Lauren chuckling, but when it ends and neither are sure whether to continue on to the next one without Dinah or not, they both kind of sit there in silence.

Camila looks as though she wants to say something judging by the way she opens her mouth to speak before deciding against it about three times in the space of four minutes –  _not that Lauren's counting_ – or how she fidgets with her hands and the ring that sits on her index finger. And Lauren realises that she may not  _seem_ like the most inviting person – Ally's words from last week all but confirming it – but she really does like hanging out with Camila and she thinks the girl is cute and funny and a little bit lame in an endearing way, and she really hopes her resting bitch face doesn't deter a possible friendship between them, so, with a deep breath and about a minute of coming up with a conversation starter, she starts:

"When are you headed home, by the way?"

She asks it, and lets out a breath.  _There_ , easy.

Camila responds easily, perking up at Lauren's voice in an adorable way that Lauren's sure only she can pull off. "On the nineteenth – the morning flight," she groans at the last part, the same question on the tip of her tongue when Lauren realises:

 _"Wait, really?_ I'm leaving then, too!"

"Yeah?" Camila grins, quirking her head as her eyes light up before she suggests, "Maybe we can take the same cab to the airport?"

Lauren bites her lip at how much ease is in Camila's offer, internally kicking herself for never instigating conversation with the girl before. "For sure," she sends her a smile, and if she thought those brown eyes were bright before, Camila only manages to brighten them. "And maybe the same cab  _from_  the airport?"

Camila furrows her brows at that, not seeming to get what Lauren's saying, until:  _"Are you from Miami, too?"_ she more exclaims than asks, Lauren's grin answering her, barely having the time to give her a verbal confirmation before Camila goes off and how she  _'should've known!'_ and that this is so cool and that Lauren should  _'drop by because my mom hosts_ the  _best_   _Christmas parties'._

When Dinah comes back from her call, looking all giddy with a slight blush on her cheeks, they've progressed to talking about their favourite artists – Camila surprising her with the amount of rap she listens to  _(her favourites being A$AP Rocky and J. Cole)_. Dinah scoots back into her previous spot between them, the two simply speaking over her as she grins down at her phone.

If Dinah notices the upsurge in direct conversation between Lauren and Camila as they play the next episode, she doesn't say anything.

 

She meets Camila by her dorm, her bags packed, sweats on and hoodie zipped up – all ready for the five-hour flight back home. Camila comes out with the largest grin on her face, Lauren mirroring it when she teases Camila about her Uggs.

_("Shut up, they're comfortable.")_

If Lauren was worried about any awkward silences, she was wrong to. The ride to the airport is filled with Camila going on about one thing or the other, Lauren amused by the passion in her words, even at the littlest things. She makes stupid jokes, some  _really_ lame ones, but it doesn't stop Lauren from smiling or holding back a chuckle, her reaction eliciting a proud look on Camila's face.

While Lauren  _detests_ flights – hates the wait, the turbulence, the shitty food, the fact that they're  _about a billion feet in the air in a flying metal contraption_ – she thinks that this trip may be better than any of her previous ones.

And while up to the moment they board the plane, settling in their seats next to each other, Lauren's theory seems sound – when she feels around her bag for her earphones that she was  _sure_ she'd brought to no avail, she reconsiders it all.

But Camila doesn't even ask, simply offering an earbud to Lauren before handing her phone to her, smiling softly as she tells her to  _'Choose anything you like. I trust your music choice,'_ and it's really the most innocent thing  _anyone_ can say in the history of  _ever_ , but Lauren flushes at the compliment.

Eventually, she sticks with the playlist Camila already had playing –  _aptly named 'for long journeys'._

"I really like your taste," Lauren mentions as she scrolls through the songs, eyes caught on a couple of familiar names, Camila cracking open an eye as she lays back against the seat, a proud smile playing at her lips.

Lauren thinks that Camila has the nicest smile.

Lauren  _knows_ Camila has the nicest smile. It's a fact, completely objective and definitely unbiased.

She thinks of how stupid she's been to not have opened up sooner to Camila because now she's been deprived of at least three weeks of the woman – three weeks where she could've gotten to know her deeper, learned about her likes and dislikes, find out what makes her tick and what elicits that inside-melting smile she wears sometimes.

And with that grin she wears, with the way Camila's head lolls to the side, Lauren purposefully moving closer to let her rest against her shoulder, the two of them connected by the earphones that play the soft hymns of  _Daniel Caesar_ , she decides with a finality that maybe she doesn't hate  _all_ flights. 

 

 **_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 5 hrs _

_#UCLACrush1021_

_hey green eyes. you know who it isssss. i don’t know how you look right now but you’re probably the prettiest person wherever you are. merry christmas :)_

_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ _, Ariana Grande and 21 others liked_

**__ **

**_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ ** _ Normani Ally Lauren Camila _

↳ **_Normani Kordei_** _this is like the cutest shit ive ever seen_

 ↳ **_Ariana Grande_** _Lauren_ _if you don’t track this chick down and date her I will_

  ↳ **_Dinah Jane Hansen_** _THANK YOU ARI_

**_ Troye Sivan _ ** _whoever ‘green eyes’ is better get her ass on this. Everyone just uses this page to talk about how ‘fuckin hot, dude’ some people look and green eyes is getting these kinds of messages??? I don’t know who either of you are but D A T E_

_ 12 Likes _

 

She doesn't end up going over to Camila's for Christmas – not when her family hosts their own party and not when she wasn't even sure if Camila was serious in the first place about her invite. But the day after Christmas, she gets a text from Camila – her  _'hey, you free today? :)'_ marking their first private text. Lauren barely waits three seconds before she's typing out a reply, barely even checking if she  _is_ indeed free and sends a  _'_ ** _yeah! want to hang?_** _'_ , which she realises in the second after it delivers that she may sound a little too eager.

If Camila notices, she doesn't make any indication of it, simply telling her not to have lunch and to be ready at one – and that's two hours from now, which means it's  _plenty_ time for her to freak out.

She doesn't know what to wear, how to style her hair, what this  _'hang sesh'_  even  _is_ \- like is it a  _date,_ is it platonic, is it-

"Do you  _want_ it to be a date?"

Normani's question is blunt and it's straightforward, and really it should be just as easy to answer, but  _Lauren_  and  _feelings_ don't mix well.

 _Sure_ , she thinks Camila is cute and funny and probably the sweetest person there is out there –  _save from Ally, of course_ – but that can all be _platonic_ can't it? Like,  _yeah_ , maybe she does constantly want Camila to always smile, and maybe she really likes the sound of her laugh, and how her eyes shine in the light when she does. And maybe she  _has_ noticed that Camila has  _really_ attractive features – her own gaze often caught on the curve of her lips, on the line of her jaw, and  _maybe sometimes_ she's even noticed the taut muscles of her abs, just like maybe she's catches herself admiring Camila's ass— _but in a totally platonic way, though._

So, she goes with the safe bet. " _No_ , I don't." At Normani's speculative look in her eyes, how her brow quirks in that way it does when Normani doesn't believe someone's  _– mostly Dinah's_ – bullshit, Lauren continues, "I just haven't hung out with her like  _properly_ on our own and she's cool and I really like having her as part of our group, so it'd really suck if we can't actually get along, you know?"

While Normani doesn't look fully convinced, she hums anyway, nodding her head on Lauren's screen. "I don't think you have anything to worry about," she tells her, "Mila's a really cool girl and it's easy to talk to her. Plus- you and her have more alike than you know. You'll be  _fine_ ," Normani reassures.

It helps to calm Lauren's nerves down a little, breathing out a long breath.

"Now show me what you're going to wear."

And  _this_ is why she'd called Normani instead of Dinah. Don't get her wrong, she  _loves_ the girl, but Dinah would've spent a whole hour teasing Lauren over the fact that she's freaking out rather than  _actually_  helping.

At half past twelve, she receives another text from Camila asking for her address, and right on time, she arrives at one, pulling up into the Jauregui's drive with that bright grin, and the flutter she feels in the pit of her stomach doesn't feel anything close to platonic.

Camila pulls her into a greeting embrace over the console that separates their two seats before she wishes  _"Merry belated Christmas, Laur"_  with the softest of smiles, and she flushes under Camila's gaze, ears perking up at nickname she'd used.

"You look really pretty," Camila then mentions, casually and simply as she takes in what Lauren wears – which is ridiculous since after half an hour of trying on and throwing off clothes, she'd eventually decided to sport black skinnies and her black  _The 1975_ shirt and a light bomber, also in –  _no surprise there_ – black, and if the rising blush on her face wasn't showing from before, it probably does now.

"You look..." Lauren starts, casting her eyes over the length of Camila's body – donning a white crop top, matched with a high-waisted faded blue pair of jeans, leaving a sliver of skin that reveals her toned abdomen. Clearing her throat, she finishes, "- _nice,_ too."

Camila smiles, accepting the compliment easy as that before she shifts the gears into reverse and pulls out of the drive. 

Camila catches her up on what she's been up to since they parted ways after landing, how she'd spent time meeting up with some high school friends, but how she ultimately spent the last few days with her little sister.  _(She speaks of her sister with such love and adoration, a stark contrast to how she speaks of Chris or Taylor. Perhaps it's the distinct age difference between Camila and her sister – Sofi, she learns her name is – but still it warms her heart at the thought of how close the two are.)_  In turn, Lauren shares how she's just been catching up with some much needed sleep after those all nighters she'd pulled, slipping in some time for her family and her friends.

She's in the middle of telling Camila about Chris's new found passion for tight-rope walking – which, in all honesty, puts her on edge at the sight of her brother balancing on a line that looks like it could easily snap under his weight – when Camila puts the car to a halt.

"We're here," she beams at Lauren before she twists the key in the ignition, unclicks her seatbelt and slides out, leaving Lauren not much option but to follow.

It takes her a second to realise that she's brought her to Little Havana, apparently too preoccupied on the ride over with her conversation with Camila that she hadn't noticed up till now. When her eyes meet Camila, she's already smiling, the girl waiting for her by the curb as she nods her head towards a little restaurant, its name spelt out in a corny block-red font. They serve Nicaraguan food  _– "This is as authentic as it gets. If you want even more authentic Nicaraguan food, I'll have to save up at least a year or two before I can fly us there"_ – Camila reasoning that she's probably had her fill of Cuban food since coming back home, and she's not wrong there.

"My father used to take me here when I was little," Camila explains when Lauren quirks a brow at how familiar the waitresses seem to be with her, there's already a tinge of  _something_ laced behind her words but Camila doesn't expand, so Lauren doesn't press.

Lauren barely has the time to scan her eyes over the menu – just enough to notice how the whole thing is written in Spanish – before Camila's calling over the waitress again by her name with an air of familiarity that warms at Lauren's heart. She simply asks if Lauren's allergic to anything and if she likes seafood – to which she answers  _nuts_ and  _yes_  – going ahead and asking for a portion of  _parrillada de mariscos_ , assuring Lauren that they rations are huge here and it'll be enough for the two of them to share.

There's something that shoots right through Lauren at the sound of her native language roll and fall off Camila's tongue. It feel dangerously unplatonic and so she shakes it away.

"You don't mind, right?" she asks after the menus are taken away, after the waitress – Selene - takes their orders to the back. "Cause if you don't want to share we can—"

Lauren stops her with her fingers on lightly holding Camila's wrist. "I'm fine with sharing," she reassures, and with a soft curve to her lips, Camila nods.

They're too preoccupied with talking that it feels like it's only been a minute before the food arrives. It's a burst of colour. Rich and warm yellows, oranges, reds pop out against the rustic pan its served on, an array  _of shrimp, of clam, calamari, mussels_  laid out on the table in the space between them. When Camila raises an eyebrow as if to ask  _'what do you think?'_ Lauren wolfish grin is enough of an answer, Camila wasting no time before she's precariously filling Lauren's plate up, an adorable  _'oops'_ falling from between her lips when a stray calamari falls on the table, Camila shamelessly picking it up between her fingers and popping it into her mouth.

Her smile is childish and toothy, a subtle dimple poking at her cheek. "Excuse my exquisite table manners," she says in an endearing way that only Camila can manage. Lauren just shakes her head at her antics, hiding her smile over the fork she raises to her mouth, a burst of flavour hitting her taste buds as that first piece of shrimp touches her tongue.

If she moans, she doesn't mean to, but at the flush on Camila cheeks and that sound she heard that sounds  _very_ similar to a moan coming from herself, she thinks it might be worth it.

Lunch passes and it  _isn't_ a date – not when Camila doesn't let Lauren pay, or Lauren let Camila pay – the two of them decidedly choosing to simply go Dutch.

Camila drives them around after, showing Lauren her favourite spots in the neighbourhood, sharing that while she didn't live in nor close to the area, something always drew her there.  _"I guess it reminds me of home,"_ she shrugs, and Lauren knows that Camila had lived in Cuba when she was young, how her parents had worked tirelessly to move them into the States for a better life for her, but she doesn't know any of the details. Lauren wants to know more about her, wants to know everything about Camila, but she has a feeling her and Camila are going to have time to learn each others histories and so she doesn't pry.

It ends up simply being a café-hopping day, Camila bringing her from this café with  _'the best mochas in_ the  _world'_ to another one that has  _'amazing chai lattes and you_ have  _to try them, Laur!'_

Eventually, most of the day has passed, the sun has set and Camila's tugging her once more into the car, waiting for her to pull her seatbelt over her before they're off once more. And since Camila reasons that they've been eating the whole day, their dinner doesn't have to be anything heavy, and that's how they end up in a jazz bar of all places.

It's on the other side of town – somewhere by 2nd Avenue, deep in Midtown, she recognises – and Lauren's really considering reimbursing Camila for gas money, but when she sees the look on Camila's face as her eyes flutter shut, as she leans back against the wooden chair, a subtle curve to the corners of her lips, Lauren can't think of anything aside from how beautiful Camila is.

She's not fluent in jazz, but at the hums of what she guesses could be a Louis Armstrong track  _(it isn't – it's a Duke Ellington piece)_ , as the deep echoing pulses of the double bass is felt in her bones, as she watches Camila swaying subtly in her seat simply  _soaking_ it all in, she thinks that maybe this could be her new favourite genre of music.

She swears she only just blinks and they're off again. They're in the car and then they're sliding back out, the smell of salt in the air enough to tell her where they're at. Camila pulls her by the arm, fingers circling Lauren's wrist as she leads them God knows where, but Camila seems confident and Lauren may only have  _just_ gotten close to her, but oddly she feels like she could trust Camila with her life.

She brings her to Sofi's favourite spot –  _"It was mine first, but she loved it so much she claimed it as her own, and I'd give that girl the whole world if I could, so it's hers now" –_ and it feels all the more special to Lauren that she's sharing it with her.

They line their butts with their jackets, both opting to kick off their shoes, cool sand slipping between their toes as they hug at their knees, shoulders bumping occasionally as Camila tells her yet another story.

The salt in the air is fresh as the wind blows against her face, hair swept away as they listen to the crash of the waves against the shore. There's a group of rowdy kids somewhere in the distance, loud enough for them to hear, but not enough for either one to care.

"You're not that much of a recluse." It falls from Lauren's mouth without thought really. It had just come into her head and the next thing she knows, she's sounding it out, finding Camila raising a confused brow at her. "Ally," she explains, "Ally said that you're a recluse."

"When?" Camila scrunches her brows and Lauren has to overcome the sudden urge to keep herself from smoothening out the crease with her thumb.

"When we were in the library that once," she goes on to explain as if it were obvious. "You know- she said she wished she took something easier, then she could-" she clears her throat, "- write about you...  _um_ -  _'The Recluse Bisexual'_ she'd said."

Camila rolls her eyes lightly, playful scoff on the edge of her breath. "Ally's always trying to give off a bad impression of me," she pouts for just about a millisecond – though there's a part of Lauren that kind of wishes it was for longer. "But she's right though," Camila shrugs, then with what Lauren think she imagines is a wink, "Especially about that last part." Camila doesn't leave her much time to stay flustered before she continues, "But yeah- I'd much rather prefer having a night in than going out.  _I mean,_ you saw first-hand what happens when I  _do_ go out."

She lets out a soft chuckle, nodding her head, "Yeah, apparently ankles get sprained."

"Exactly," she grins. "It's just I'm not back as often as I like and I  _love_ Miami, and I felt the need to show you these places, you know?"

"How do you even know of these hidden places, anyway? I mean- I've lived here my whole life and I didn't know  _any_ where you took me."

Camila just shrugs, looking out at the darkened distance where the ocean starts. "I don't know- maybe it's  _because_ I haven't lived here my whole life. You being born and raised in Miami makes it feel like you already know it, but me- I came here as a  _foreigner_ , but I was determined to make this my  _home_ , I  _had_ to make it my home. So, I'd just  _explore_. Sometimes, my dad would have taken me, sometimes I go with my mom, and sometimes, when I  _really_ want to get to know the city – nooks, crannies and all – I'd just go alone. It's liberating, you know – to be alone in a big city, on your own but surrounded by so many different people, lost, but not at the same time. I did it until I didn't feel like an alien anymore, and now I can easily say that Miami's  _home_."

Lauren watches her quietly for a moment, admiring her profile, Camila's eyes fluttered close, the plump of her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Lauren's almost pretty sure that fighting the temptation to lean over and take that lip between her own is  _far from platonic_ , but she doesn't  _do_  anything, so there's nothing for her to dwell on.

_Right?_

When Camila tilts her head, her brown eyes meeting the green of Lauren's, moon bright in hers, the corner of her mouth tugs upwards as she asks,  _"What?"_

"Nothing," Lauren shakes her head. "That's just really beautiful what you said."

"I try," Camila grins playfully, bumping her shoulder softly against Lauren's. "And you talk more than Dinah gives you credit for," Camila mentions.

Lauren's mid-groan, about to huff about the nuisance that goes by the name of Dinah Jane Hansen  _(and about a dozen more names)_ , when Camila adds, "I mean, unless this is only because you got laid," voice teasing, Lauren immediately flushing red when she sees how Camila wiggles her brows suggestively. "Did you get a special Christmas present, huh, Laur?"

"Shut up," Lauren whines, burying her face in her lap. "I  _didn't_ ," she says just to clear things up, whether or not Camila was joking she felt it necessary to disclaim that. "I don't know- you're just easy to talk to, I guess."

"Then we make quite the team," she says, "You bring out the extrovert in me, and I bring out the conversation in you."

"I guess we do," Lauren hums, smiling soft at Camila, who's still got moon eyes and curved lips. "We make quite the pair, huh? The recluse bisexual and the silent lesbian," she jokes and the laugh Camila lets out is probably the most beautiful thing she's heard, the cute little snort that she lets out from laughing so hard withstanding.

"That reminds me," Camila says when she's finally calmed down, face red from laughter before she shifts to cross her legs as she lifts her hips up, balancing on one hand while the other slips her phone out of her back pocket. "I made you a little Christmas present."

Lauren's brows shoot up because  _one_ , she really didn't expect anything, and  _two,_ she didn't even think to get Camila anything in return.

"And before you say anything, don't worry- I'm not expecting anything back. To be fair, I literally pulled this right out of my ass, it's just something small," she says, shrugging as Lauren watches her swipe and tap through her phone.

Eventually, she opens her music, scrolling through her playlists, and to Lauren's surprise, she clicks on one named  _'for lauren's flight home'_.

There's a rush of warmth that spreads through her despite the cold winds blowing at them. There's something else that bubbles in the pit of her stomach too, something she's not too familiar with, but she doesn't have the time to figure it out, not when her phone goes off in her pocket.

"Check it," Camila tells her, nudging at Lauren's side before she does. It's a message from Camila, a link in it. When she opens it, it redirects her to her Apple Music, to the very same playlist she'd peeked at on Camila's phone. "If it's not obvious enough, I made you a playlist for your flight home since we're not flying back together. I realised you're not a fan of flights, so I thought this might help," she smiles.

It's honestly the smallest thing, but at the same time, it isn't.

"This is- this is  _really_ sweet," Lauren smiles as she scrolls through the list. There are some artists that she recognises, but most she's unfamiliar with. It doesn't matter though, Camila could've just put a bunch of audio of pots and pans banging against each other and she wouldn't mind. The thought of it just overwhelms her.

She pulls Camila in for a hug, their bodies awkwardly twisting, but Camila nuzzles her head comfortably into the crook of Lauren's neck anyway and then it isn't awkward at all. It's easy and it's comforting and Lauren just breathes in the scent of Camila's shampoo, the fruity smell of it overpowering even the salt in the wind.

"Thank you," she murmurs, Camila waving her off modestly once they break away. "You listen to like  _a lot_ of different music," Lauren notes, looking through the songs, finding a mix of  _R &B _and  _Hip-hop_  and  _Soul_  and  _Indie Folk_  and- it's just not quite what she'd picture Camila to like.

_(Then again, this is the same girl who loves both Travis Scott and Jazz music, so really, Lauren should've expected this.)_

"Well, I don't do a double major with music for nothing," she replies with a shrug, then having noticed the quick furrow to Lauren's brow, she gasps, " _Wait!_ You didn't know I do music, did you!"

Apparently, Camila has a penchant for getting Lauren to blush. " _Well-"_

Camila's mock  _tsks_ of disapproval cuts her off, "You're a bad friend. Or- can we not be friends now that you found out that I'm studying something as  _professional_ as a double degree inLiterature and Music," Camila teases. "What does your  _International Relations_ -self think about that, huh?" she adds, solely to rub in the fact that  _she_ knew what Lauren was studying.

Lauren rolls her eyes. "To be fair, I was  _physically_ studying IR right in front of you. You didn't  _study_ music in the library- so how was I supposed to know! I  _did_ know you do Literature, though," she adds in her defence.

"Fine,  _fine_ ," Camila grins, smirk still playing at the edge of her mouth.

There's a comfortable air that surrounds them. It rubs off on her, and Lauren barely thinks before she lets slip, "So, do you also write songs?"

"Wait,  _you_ write music?" Camila suddenly perks, pressing on her word as her brows jump up in a sort of excited surprise.

"What— _no_ , I meant like you write poems- so, do you  _also_ write music?"

"You  _remember?"_  Camila asks instead, eyes narrowing softly as the corners of her lips tick upwards.

See, the thing is, when Dinah had mentioned it all those weeks ago- it had stuck in Lauren's head- even though she had yet to know how important Camila would come to be on that very first day. But she flushes at Camila's question, suddenly hyperaware by the fact that she'd let slip that she basically remembers the smallest detail-  _Camila herself_ probably not remembering it.

"That was like  _a_   _month_ ago," she says through a smile that calms Lauren down, that tells her that she's totally not looking like a fool for remembering that tiny bit of information.

"Yeah, well I tend to remember the unimportant, random things- ask me about what I was studying on that day and I doubt I could even recall," she jokes lightly, bumping shoulders with Camila. But when Lauren catches how her smile falters even for a half second, how the touched look in her eye melts away, she knows she'd said the wrong thing.

"Oh, well- yeah," Camila picks herself back up just like that, bright smile back in place and if Lauren weren't always just staring at her face, she might have not noticed the lapse but she  _is_ and she  _does_. "I do write songs," she answers finally, "I mean- I try. I don't think they're any good, so I don't really share them with anyone else besides like,  _my mom_  since I could keep a generic  _AABB_ rhyming pattern the whole song and she'd tell me that I'd win a Grammy for it," Camila tells her through a grin, and it gets her smiling in return at the thought of how shamelessly close she is to her mother. "My poetry- I'm more confident with that. I mean I'm no  _Rupi Kaur_  or anything, but I've won a couple of slams and that's got to count for  _something_ , right?" Camila shrugs, her voice small as she turns away, faces back towards the distance.

Lauren's overcome by the urge to reassure her that her writing is probably  _amazing_ , (and Lauren  _is_ sure that Camila's work is probably amazing) but she's never  _actually_  seen anything Camila's written and there's nothing more annoying than hearing _'I'm sure you're great, too!',_ so she doesn't say that. Instead, she goes with,

"I haven't had the opportunity to hear you but, for what it's worth- Dinah _hates_ anything related to literature but even she told me she was  _shook_  –  _her words, not mine_  – by your pieces."

It's enough to get Camila grinning again, for that twinkle to return to her eyes, and that's a mission completed in Lauren's book.

"Maybe one day I'll invite you and you can get  _shook_  for yourself," Camila teases.

Her lips quirk on their own volition. Lauren's beginning to suspect that she doesn't have control over much of her body whenever Camila's around.

"I'd like that," she says, and Camila smiles and nods before she looks out towards the shore.

Today  _feels_ a lot like a date, with all the times Camila had interlaced their fingers, pulling her along, with all the times she felt something akin to butterflies in her stomach at every smile Camila sent her way, with every time Lauren felt like leaning over tucking those loose strands of hair behind her ear, and Lauren's never been so grateful for the crash of the waves as it washes up the sand, drowning out the hammering staccato of her heart from Camila to hear.

Camila drives her home later, and it's almost eleven when she falls in bed. A whole ten hours had passed and it almost felt like time ceased to exist in those hours. She unlocks her phone to find a dozen messages shared between Normani and Dinah, the former more asking how it's going while the latter spams her in all caps why she had to find out through Ally that she and Camila were hanging out.

And even through the capitalisation of Dinah's words, all Lauren can focus on is the fact that Camila had confided in Ally about today- and if their conversation was even slightly like Lauren's with Normani was, that's enough for her. 

 

Before she knows it, winter break is over, and Chris is driving her back to the airport at the ass crack of dawn  _– not without complaints, of course_ – and Lauren kind of doesn't want to board the flight since she's not ready to leave home, not ready for the next semester to start, and definitely not ready to get on the flight.

But a message chimes through her phone while she's getting her boarding pass checked at the gate, and as she practically forces herself over the threshold, she finds Camila's name on her phone, a simple  _'listen to good music and have a safe flight xx'_ across her screen.

It's eight in the morning, and whether Camila was already up or not, Lauren's head feels light at the fact that Camila had remembered enough to wish her.

She shoots back a  _'_ ** _thanks again, camz. I'll see you in a couple days! :)_** _'_  as she settles in her assigned seat, swiping through her music to find the saved playlist that Camila had shared with herbefore she ultimately puts her phone on flight mode, only just realising as the chorus of the third song starts that she'd used the nickname she's been calling Camila this whole time in her head  _to_ Camila for the first time- and it's already too late by then to explain it, not when they've already taken off, and she's a  _poor_ student who can't afford in-flight wifi to actually clear it up.

If it weren't for the soothing tracks that Camila had put together for her, she'd have spent the next five hours overthinking such a small thing. Instead, she manages to fall asleep to the mellow voice of someone called  _Ari Lennox_.

Sure enough, the moment her phone regains connection while she's waiting for her bags by the belt, in comes Camila's text.

_'camz'?_

It's simple and it's barely a sentence, but just as she's beginning to think she's getting heart palpitations, she takes a deep breath, collects herself and replies.

 ** _'mila' is boring. excuse my creativity_** _,_ she types out and sends it through, quite pleased with herself at how casual she'd played it off to be.

She spots her luggage and some older man is helping her drag it off the belt when Camila's message comes through.

 _it's cute,_ it reads.  _I like camz,_ then as if Camila's out to actually have Lauren dead, she adds _, I'll be your camz and you can be my lolo._

The man who helped her looks at her curiously and Lauren can only imagine how flushed she looks. It takes her three seconds to gather herself before she shakes herself out of it, smiles a 'thank you' at the man before she's dragging her bags towards the exit.

Lauren's  _so_ glad that she let the nickname slip over text and not in person. She doesn't need Camila to see how red her face is or how flustered she's become.

 ** _deal_** , is all she types back – text-Lauren all cool and collected, everything that real-Lauren  _isn't_  – Camila responding with a string of random emojis that gets her grinning like a fool to the point that her Uber driver even asks if she's okay. 

 

Dinah interrogates her for about a half hour about that one day they'd spent together before she ultimately asks,  _"Do you have a crush on her?"_

See, the thing is, Lauren doesn't  _get_ crushes.

How it usually goes is that Lauren only likes people when she knows for sure they like her  _first_. Lauren doesn't like them first. She's not for that life. There's too much space for unrequited feelings.

And so, she shakes her head, tells Dinah a confident  _'no, I don't'_ earning an unconvinced narrowing stare back, but she eventually accepts it with a nod and an  _'okay – but if you do, it's okay, you know? She probably has it bad for you.'_

She wants to believe Dinah – but this is the same girl who had said that Kayleigh Miller had a crush on her too, only to find out  _after_ Lauren had asked her out on a date that Kayleigh was both very straight and also very much in a relationship. So, excuse Lauren for not believing everything Dinah says.

"Whatever. When this term starts, I'm determined to continue my hunt for 532."

Lauren groans and there's the smallest part of her that wishes Dinah hadn't accepted Lauren's denial so easily. 

 

They have a karaoke night with the five of them the day Ally lands, renting out a private room for the night – because according to Dinah, " _we go big, or we go home"_ , to which Camila mutters under her breath  _"can we just go home?"_  only loud enough for Lauren to hear, eliciting a giggle from the older girl – the Saturday before classes start. As expected, Dinah gets a little too tipsy on wine, Normani chooses Beyoncé and  _only_ Beyoncé songs, and Ally's in the corner just giggly to herself as she watches everything else unfold, sometimes joining in to drunkenly sing along.

What she  _doesn't_ expect is Camila's voice.

It's a  _karaoke_ night, also known as a night where they can just sing their lungs off not bothered for pitch or hitting the right notes, but when the mic is all but forced into Camila's hand after Ally insists she do that one song by James Arthur –  _Dinah in the back groaning about how it's 'too slow' of a song and it'll ruin the momentum they've got going –_ when she starts on the first word, the rest of them are suddenly hushed into silence.

Even Dinah, through four too many glasses of wine, recognises the talent in her voice, her mouth hanging agape almost comically if Lauren wasn't doing the exact same thing.

At the last note, as the music fades away, the next track on queue beginning, they're all still too stunned to say anything.

Lauren's too caught up in how her voice can sound to smooth and raspy at the same time, how it sounds so airy at the high notes, how  _good her jaw looks as she sings_  to reassure Camila when a mixture of nerves and embarrassment crosses her face.

But Normani's quick to jump to her defence with a simple, " _Wow,_ Mila – that was  _amazing_ ," over the sound of the intro of yet another Beyoncé song plays  _– which says something because there was once that Lauren had talked over that one part in_ Emotion _and Normani had shot her glares for one whole week_.

" _Damn, Walz – where you been hidin' that voice, huh?"_ Dinah chimes in, and the nerves disappear from Camila's face, flush rising in her cheeks instead as she ducks her stare down before she moves back to the empty space between Normani and Lauren.

"She keeps it all in her butt," Ally says, and  _wokay-_ looks like Dinah's not the only one who's had a little too much to drink.

Normani barely waits until the laughter dies down before she's dragging Dinah with her, handing her a mic and repeating out the chorus of  _Check On It_ perfectly when Lauren  _finally_ comes to.

Leaning into Camila, she whispers only for her to hear, "Now you've  _got_ to let me hear your songs."

Even the blue of the lights isn't enough to hide the blush that teases at Camila's cheeks. 

 

If any of the other girls notice the uptick in the times her and Camila hang out as  _just the two of them,_ they don't mention it. But from the wink that Normani sends her as Lauren mentions the movie they'd watched together, at the knowing smile that Ally seems to consistently wear whenever Lauren brings up Camila's name and at the lack of subtlety in Dinah's  _everything_ whenever Lauren and Camila are concerned, she's  _pretty sure_  they know. 

 

Not that they have anything to hide.

It's all platonic.

Really.

 

 **_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 1 hr _

_#UCLACrush1721_

_@ green eyes. here’s a reminder that i think you’re more than just like really, really pretty. i’ve heard a couple of your very heated debates and your brain is just as beautiful as you are and that’s like a lot. i swear i’m usually more eloquent than this. you just kind of make my brain go stupid. if you couldn’t already tell, i really like you._

_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ _, Lauren Jauregui and 28 others liked_

**__ **

**_ Lauren Jauregui _ ** _well fuck I think you might just stand a chance 532_

_ 34 Likes_


	2. part two

**_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 2 hrs _

_#UCLACrush1810_

_Hey #UCLACrush532 and 727 (+the other submissions), it’s ‘green eyes’ aka Lauren (I hope??? It’ll be really embarrassing if I’m not your ‘green eyes’ lmao but yea, if I am) I really want to meet you. you seem cute and sweet and idk how to do this since there’s going to be the whole college reading this post too but wtv add me on fb and maybe we can talk there?_

_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ _, Troye Sivan and 125 others liked_

**_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ ** _AYEEE LAUSER’S GROWN SUM OVARIES Normani Ally Camila Lauren_

↳ ** _Normani Kordei_** _yaas laur get it_

 ↳ ** _Ally Brooke_** _I ship it so hard this is so cuuuute_

  ↳ ** _Lauren Jauregui_** _ugh_

"Woah,  _some_ one's popular."

Lauren pulls her phone screen away from Camila's prying eyes, clutching it to her chest.

_"Stooop,"_ she whines childishly as Camila pokes at her side, bubbles of laughter falling from her lips as Camila continues to tickle her.  _"Camz!"_

"C'mon,  _Lo,_ " Camila pouts, lips sticking out so temptingly that Lauren's  _this close_ to just leaning in, "What's got you so giggly, huh?" she teases, continuing to try peek at Lauren's screen.

"It's just Mani going on about the latest episode of  _The Bachelorette_  and I don't even know why she's texting me – I don't even watch it," Lauren lies easily.

But Lauren's never been  _too_  good of a liar, and it's shown when she's almost found out when Camila's perks up with an "Oh! I watch it! Is she upset about Demario—", and Lauren feels her heart pause in her chest trying to come up with a possibly accurate answer when Camila's phone goes off,  _Hall & Oates' You Make My Dreams Come True _ringing out through her room, and the ringtone is just  _so_ Camila that it gets Lauren grinning to herself.

She puts the phone on loudspeaker, Ally's voice greeting Camila with a preppy  _'Hey, Mila!'._

"You're on speakerphone," Camila tells her, "I'm here with Lauren," she says as she bumps shoulders with her from where they're lying on their stomachs on Lauren's bed.

"Hey, Ally," Lauren greets, at the same time she  _thinks_ she hears an  _'Ooooh'_ from Ally's end, but she isn't sure.

Camila clears her throat, Lauren doesn't think anything of it. "What's up?"

_"I was just checking if you were coming back tonight. Troy's coming over and—"_

"Say no more," Camila cuts in quickly, wrinkling her nose, seeming to know where Ally's headed, and it's only when Camila says, "I'll find a place to crash tonight- maybe Shawn or Hailee will house my butt for another night," that it clicks in Lauren's mind that Ally and Tr— _oh._

Ally's voice cuts Lauren's realisation with a  _"Thanks again, Mila- I owe you!"_  before the line goes silent.

Camila groans before flipping herself to lay on her back, hair fanning itself into a crown around her head, huffing out as she holds her phone above her, scrolling and tapping at the screen.

"I'm guessing this is a common occurrence?" Lauren asks, smirking teasingly.

Camila turns her head, shooting her a look that says  _'You have_ no  _idea'_. "This happens almost every other day," she grumbles, "Like I'm  _happy_ she has a sex life and all that, but  _not_ at  _my_ expense."

"Why? Does she cockblock your hook-ups?" Lauren quirks an eyebrow jokingly.

Or  _mostly_ jokingly, she amends. She may or may not be genuinely curious. She doesn't know much about Camila's love/sex life, doesn't know who the hell the  _'Shawn'_ or  _'Hailee'_  that she mentioned earlier are – whether she's one of their girlfriend's  _(-or both? Hell, for all she knows Camila might be into the whole polygamy thing)_ , or if they're all just friends – doesn't know if she's more of a weekend hook-up girl, like Lauren herself prefers to be, or  _anything_ about  _that_ part of Camila's life.

_And if Dinah and/or Normani have found a way to infiltrate her thoughts_  – she would just like to clarify that wanting to know this information about Camila has nothing to do with Lauren wanting to be  _part_ of said  _love/sex life_ , it's just that they're  _friends_ and  _friends_ know these kinds of things about each other,  _don't they?_

She lets out another grumble, sounding so cute and adorable coming from Camila as she furrows her brows and pouts her lips. " _No,"_ she shakes her head,  _(and coincidentally at the same time, Lauren feels her heart lighten. It's_ totally  _coincidental, though)_  "I'd just like to not have to find different friends to crash at theirs every couple of nights."

_(Lauren feels her lips twitch at their corners at the sound of 'friends', but that's_ definitely also  _coincidental. It has nothing to do with the relief that floods through her that neither 'Shawn' or 'Hailee' are anything_ more  _than friends.)_

"Do you just want to stay here tonight?"

It slips out of her mouth without a thought spared. To be fair,  _it makes sense_ to ask. They're  _friends_  and friends save each other from being banished from their own rooms, and Camila's  _already_ here, so—

"Are you sure?" Camila tilts her head, "Because you really would be saving me from a night trying to navigate Ari's place through her mess-  _I mean, don't get me wrong,_ I love her to bits, but that woman is borderline a  _hoarder_."

"Of course," Lauren shrugs, "You're here anyway,  _so..._ " she trails off, not that anything she'd have to add on would be heard over Camila's  _'Oh my god, thank you so much's_ as she rolls over to wrap her arms around Lauren's waist in a tight embrace, her body basically lying atop Lauren's and she can't help the smile that emerges on her face at Camila's actions.

"I mean, if we're going to be living together next year, might as well have tonight as a trial run, right?" Lauren jokes through her grin, Camila nodding even more, not that she needed more incentive to stay over.

Camila's grin is wide and brightens the whole room as she rolls back over to the empty space on the bed. Lauren almost immediately misses her touch.

Since being kicked out from rooming with Normani and Dinah –  _well, she wasn't_ 'kicked out'  _per se, more like it's much easier to find apartments for pairs than for trios and to separate Dinah and Normani is to basically ask for a death sentence –_ and Camila having had no plans for her accommodation for the next year, they thought the easiest solution was to live together.

Lauren doesn't tell anyone, but she counts it as a little blessing- a little blessing coming in the shape of Camila.

"I'm going to show you how great a housemate I'll be that you're never going to want to live without me." Camila says it with her chin up, looking so confident and proud and the sight of it makes Lauren's lips mirror Camila's.

Despite the smile she bites down on, she lets out a teasing  _'Sure, Camz,'_ as she light-heartedly rolls her eyes, earning a playful shove from Camila.

Lauren hates when people talk over movies or shows, but she can't help but add on to Camila's theories about how the episode's going to pan out. She mostly lets it go because she knows that Camila does this because she's terrified of anything remotely close to  _horror_ or  _thriller_ , and while at best Lauren would describe  _Black Mirror_  as  _creepy,_ Camila  _is_ only putting up with watching it because Lauren had begged her to, so the least she can do is entertain her attempts at distraction. She also maybe kind of lets it go because it's  _Camila,_ and  _well_ —

_"Holy fuck!"_

Camila cusses when the plot twist becomes evident, when the protagonist realises that he was wrong the whole time, and despite the weight of the plot, Lauren can't help the tug at the corner of her lip at the sound of the swear coming from Camila's mouth, at how her eyes blow wide and her mouth hangs open in shock.

She has to shake herself out from staring at Camila's profile for too long, trains her eyes on the screen instead, and it isn't until Camila says,  _"Okay,_ really why're you so popular today?" that she allows herself to stop forcing herself to focus on the show.

She's about to ask what Camila means when she hears the buzzing vibrations herself. She shoots an apologetic look at Camila as she peeks at her phone, finding a myriad of notifications littering her screen.

It's odd because she doesn't remember hearing any messages coming through earlier, and a part of her tells her she was too focused on the episode, while another tells her that what she was focused on isn't on the screen but beside her, but—

"Oh, it's nothing," she waves off, though her brow furrows as she scans through the messages, skimming through the foreign names that are blowing up her phone. "Just-  _um_ ," she struggles to come up with anything when she's distracted by reading the almost humorous pick-up lines that spams her phone.

But Camila doesn't let it rest, instead, she comes into Lauren's space and peeks at the screen from over Lauren's shoulder, and she's quick enough and Lauren's distracted enough that she doesn't manage to hide the phone away this time and Camila finally manages to sneak a look.

There's something in her voice that Lauren can't quite place when she comments, "Ooh, casanova alert," that she attempts to come off teasingly.

"Shut up," Lauren replies, then, to Camila's questioning brow, she explains, "After I posted that thing on the crush page," she starts and there's a lapse of confusion evident in Camila's brows until realisation hits her with a fleeting  _something_  that crosses her face that Lauren just barely catches. She convinces herself that's she's reading too deep into things, so she continues, "I've received like fifteen friend requests and literally all of them are claiming to be 532 and- I kind of want to give them the benefit of the doubt, because  _who knows, right?_ One of them is  _probably_ telling the truth, but at the same time the rest of them are  _lying_ , so I've just kind of been ignoring most of them for now."

Whatever it was that Lauren had noticed from earlier is masked easily by Camila. "Dinah's going to have a field day trying to Nancy Drew the shit out of this," she teases, but the usual glint in her eyes is missing. Lauren tells herself she's making a big deal out of nothing, so she lets it go.

" _Oh God_ , I can already  _hear_ her pestering me about it," she says with a light scoff that she catches Camila smile at.

"She does it with good intentions," Camila defends, adding that, "Ally's on my back like that too. But I think she's lowkey doing it because she thinks that if I have someone to fuck on the regular, Troy can come over more and she'd feel less guilty for kicking me out so often," with a teasing grin playing on the corner of her lips. Then, "And I have a feeling this booty call banishment's going to carry into next year."

Lauren furrows her brow, "But you're not going to be rooming with Al— _oh_ ," realisation of Camila's insinuation hits her and she feels heat rise in her cheeks at the implication.  _"Oh! No!_ " she's quick to say, rushes to reassure Camila that, "I'm not going to  _banish_ you from our place for- for like-  _sex,"_  she stutters out, practically whispering out the last word out of embarrassment.

Camila grins at that, "I was kidding, Lo," she says, "But you totally can like-  _you know- um..."_ she struggles to find the word, before ultimately deciding on,  _"screw,"_ earning twin grimaces from both women, "anyone you want. Like just give me a heads up and I'll clear out for the night or turn up my music extra loud," she finishes, a hint of playfulness in her words.

Lauren bumps her shoulder to Camila's, a soft chuckle falling from her lips since she's not really sure what she's supposed to say to that.  _'Thanks for giving me permission for having sex?' 'You too?'_

She goes for the latter, because even though it's not uncomfortable, the silence stretches and she feels the need to clarify, "You totally can too, you know?" she reiterates and despite Lauren's total awkwardness, she counts it as a  _'worth it'_ moment when a blush rises in Camila's cheeks.

 

The next few weeks go by quickly, and the little honeymoon they all have come to an end when the deadlines of their first essays begin to loom, and the five of them find themselves noses deep in their laptops, procrastinating in the library once more.

Which only serves to remind Dinah of 532.

Lauren's been talking to a few of the girls. Most of them, she'd ignored after figuring they really weren't 532 and just using this as an opportunity to  _slide into her DMs (or more like into her Facebook Messenger, but it loses the—anyway),_ but a couple of them, even though she's confident  _aren't_ 532 either, are pretty interesting, so she continues chatting with them anyway.

Camila was right about Dinah trying to Sherlock the whole thing, with her stupid list making a reappearance filled with names being crossed off and new ones being added. Normani plays along, while Ally mostly remains impartial. Camila makes comments and shares her opinions at times, but aside from the couple  _'Yeah, she's pretty's_ that she sounds off, she doesn't say much.

532 doesn't post on the  _UCLA Crush_  page anymore - not as far as Lauren (or Normani or Dinah) have noticed, anyway. So, she guesses that 532  _must_ be one of the few girls she's kept on talking to, but between Hayley, Ashley, Alexa and Vero, something just doesn't  _feel_ right.  _Still_ , she talks to them because, well- Hayley is hilarious, Ashley's probably the coolest chick she's ever met  _(chatted with?),_  Alexa's hot and Vero's-  _well_ , Vero's come-ons are hilariously smooth.

Normani puts her money on Alexa, Ally on Ashley and Dinah refuses to believe that 532 are any of them. Camila doesn't have an opinion.

"I can just tell- they're not her," she insists with a shake of her head and a stern look etched onto her brow. When Ally asks how she has time to even think so hard about the matter when her Social Anthropology paper is due in just two days, Dinah just shrugs and tells them she's in the proofreading phase already.

See, the thing with Dinah is, as much as she likes to party and play around, she's  _constantly_ on top of her work which she never lets the other girls forget about with her flaunting of how  _'I'm basically done,'_ that Normani and Lauren never fail to roll their eyes to.

"And I don't think it's  _any_ of these girls either," Dinah continues as she scrolls through Lauren's phone, eyes skimming through the names of the girls whom had recently added her.

"Then who?" Camila speaks up as she drops her pen onto her notebook, as she leans back into her chair, quirking her brow in question. It's there again. The  _something_ that's just barely a hint that Lauren catches in her voice. She's  _so_ close to placing it, she swears, but Camila always manages to mask it, perfectly balancing the line between  _there_ and  _Lauren's probably hallucinating the whole thing._

"I don't know," Dinah sighs frustrated. It's almost ridiculous how invested Dinah is in the whole thing, but either way, it tugs at the corners of Lauren's lips at the sight of her friend huffing over being unable to find Lauren's secret admirer. "But," she starts again, a new wave of confidence evident in her voice, "I'm a woman of my words, and I  _promised_  you," she looks directly to Lauren, who lets out an airy laugh at the seriousness in her tone, "that I would find 532, and I  _will."_

 

The next day comes and they're back at the library, at their spots, in their seats, and Lauren's in the middle of writing her essay on the  _UN_  and  _Post-colonialism_  when Dinah breaks them all out of the silence with a sudden,  _"That's her."_

All four girls snap their heads up at the urgency in Dinah's voice, looking to her with confused eyes before Dinah repeats, "That's her! That's 532!" she says as she points behind where Lauren and Camila's backs are facing, and by the time the two of them turn to look, Lauren only catches a glimpse of brown hair let down and a backpack slung over one shoulder.

When she turns back around, she looks at Dinah with an incredulous look on her face. "Okay, you know that,  _how?"_ Normani's the one to speak the words on the tip of Lauren's tongue.

Dinah gives them an obvious look, "I caught her sneaking glances here, and she has that whole  _'I like indie music'_ vibes,  _plus,_ she was a hundred percent gay – because,  _well- flannel."_

"Dinah, I'm pretty sure that's a dangerous stereotype," Ally speaks up, but Dinah doesn't look fazed at all.

Instead, she turns to look at Lauren, "How many plaid shirts do you have?"

_"Uh,_ like four?" she answers quietly but honestly.

"And you?" She asks, turning towards Camila.

Camila, who's biting down a smile and shaking her head, replies, "like enough to have a different one to wear for two weeks."

Then, in true Dinah fashion: "Point," she pauses for maximum effect as she eyes all four of the other girls down with a kinked eyebrow,  _"proven."_  

 

_"Okay,"_ Ally starts as she storms in, the door swinging open and slamming shut before Lauren can even quite process what's happening. Normani looks vaguely affronted at the treatment of her door by Ally, but Dinah just shrugs and waits for her to continue whatever announcement she clearly need to make. "Mila's coming and she's in a mood."

Lauren's ears perk at that. She shuts the book she was reading, the page she was at all but forgotten while Dinah's the first to ask, "Wait, what? What kinda mood? Like a PMS-mood or is it something more?"

Ally sighs, dropping the bag to the foot of the bed along with herself, slumping against the wall as she stretches her feet out. "I don't know if she told any of you," she says in general, but looks mostly at Lauren, who nods at her to continue, "but she doesn't have the  _best_  family life, and she gets in these  _moods_  when things come up,  _so_ -"

"I mean, I guessed she and her...  _dad?"_ she says tentatively and unsure, but at Ally's nod, she continues, "don't have the best relationship, but she didn't tell me anything."

Ally's lips turn into a sympathetic smile, "It's not her favourite topic of conversation. Even  _I_  don't know the full story still," she shares. 

"Aw, Mila," Normani frowns, "I've never seen her anything but happy, I can barely imagine her sad."

_"Actually-"_

Just as it had done three minutes ago, Normani's door swings open with a loud thud as it hits the wall – and by the look on Mani's face, she's really regretting not locking the door -  to reveal a blindingly smiling Camila, balancing two trays of to-go drinks in her hands and whatever  _this_ is, it isn't  _sad._

All three women turn to look between Camila and Ally, the former a little too cherry withstanding Ally's warning as she passes around a hot drink to each of them as she spews on about her day in a tone so cheery, while the latter gives them a  _'this is what I'm talking about look'_  before she presses on a smile when Camila comes to her with an offer of a latte.

None of them really know what to do, or say. Camila's doing most of the talking, and Dinah's  _trying_ to keep up with her, but Lauren can see the uncertainty in her eyes and in the way her words form more questions than statements. Ally's resigned to leaning against the wall and letting it play out, but Normani's more  _Normani,_ so finally after a good fifteen minutes of Camila pretending like everything's okay, she asks,

"Mila, is everything good?"

Her question is tentative and careful, but there's a weight behind it that Camila almost misses when she's quick to answer, "Yeah, of course!" that wavers at the end when she catches  _why_ Normani's asking it, then, Lauren recognises the flash of betrayal in her eyes as they dart towards Ally, before she reaffirms that, " _Yeah,_ all good."

Ally wears a guilty look having been found out, but before any of the rest of them can comment, Camila suggests for all of them to watch a movie, Lauren quick to offer a light-hearted comedy that Dinah agrees to before deciding on  _The Proposal_ because a little bit of Ryan Reynolds never hurts anyone, right?

At the final, romantic kiss that gives the film that satisfying end, Camila's the first one to go, getting up and taking her things, saying her brief goodbyes before she's out the door, leaving even before the post-credits scene. With a frustrated sigh, Ally follows suit, presses a kiss to the crown of each of their heads before she disappears through the door with a,  _"I've got to go check on her."_

The rest of them look at each other with confused looks. In the short time that they've gotten close to Camila, none of them have seen her like this. Lauren recognises the hurt look in Dinah's eyes at the not knowing of whatever Camila's situation is, knows it because she feels it too. She thought that she and Camila were  _close_. Hell, Lauren tells her mostly everything now, and as much as Lauren hates prying, she really wishes Camila would've confided in her.

"You think she's okay?" Dinah asks, concern evident in the way she frowns.

"Nope," Normani answers honestly, "But I think we shouldn't prod. I don't think she's the type to open up about these things. She'll tell us when she's ready."

Lauren sighs, "Keeping it all in isn't healthy either," she argues.

"We can't force her to tell us anything she doesn't want us to know," Normani reasons softly.

Their dynamic has always been like this. Dinah's the emotional one, Lauren's the unfiltered one and Normani's the one with a level-head.

"I don't think it's that she doesn't trust us or anything," she continues, "Sometimes, it's easier not to talk about the heavy things."

Lauren and Dinah don't say anything after. They both know where Normani's coming from and how she'd struggled with her mother's situation.

So, trusting Normani's words, Lauren doesn't pry.

But she does go straight over to Camila's and Ally's dorm, having learnt that Ally's been banished from the room for the night.

When she knocks, she hears a muffled curse as things clatter around on the other side of the door before, half a minute later, it's answered by a red-eyed, confused Camila.

"Laur?" she asks, eyes squinting, "How did you get in?"

Lauren flashes her Ally's card, Camila responding with an  _"Oh,"_ before she questions, "What are you doing here?"

Lauren came not to intrude, but still, she asks, "You okay?"

She sees the second that a wall rises in Camila's eyes with the way she adamantly nods.

"Okay, good," she says, then nods for Camila to follow who still looks at her with a puzzled look, "Let's go for a walk."

She stares at Lauren with a bewildered expression in her eyes, as though she'd just asked her something  _so_ out of the ordinary.  _"Lo,_ it's almost midnight."

"Because you were totally going to sleep anyway, right?" Lauren shoots back, then, more pleading,  _"C'mon_ , you wouldn't want me to go out there in the scary streets of campus all alone do you?"

_"Lauren,"_ Camila warns.

" _Okay,_ fine- but if something happens to me out there, tell Dinah I still want my leather jacket that she has back," she says before she makes a move to turn away, but her arm's caught by Camila's hand, and when she turns back around, Camila's rolling her eyes as she mutters something about putting on a sweater first.

She counts it as a win.

When Camila remerges, she's wearing a black hoodie, with a strikingly obvious rainbow flag imprinted on the front. Lauren grins. "Wow, thanks for shoving your sexuality down our throats.  _Jeez,_ can't you just not make everything about being bi or?" Lauren teases, and she finally earns a smile from Camila.

_"Shut up,"_ she shoots back, "It was merch from a concert," she expands as she closes the door behind them, falling into step with Lauren as she leads them out of the building.

"Didn't know the  _Scissor Sisters_ were back on tour."

Despite the eye roll she sends, Lauren catches the sound a soft chuckle falling from Camila's lips.  _"No,"_ she refutes, before she pulls her cascading hair over one side of her shoulder, revealing, in blocked, white print,  _'The 1975'_ written parallel to the flag. "It was for their  _Loving Someone_ merch," she tells her.

Instead of commenting more on that, Lauren's more caught with something else. "I didn't know you liked  _The 1975."_

Camila just shrugs as she moves to push the main door open, waiting for Lauren to go through before she follows after. "I mean I thought you knew. You've seen my music, and I'm pretty sure I put  _Undo_ into the playlist I made for you."

"Right," Lauren replies dumbly, nodding while her mind runs at a hundred miles per second, and now she's wondering if--

_Could she be?_

It would make  _so_ much sense if she were, like there's piles on piles of evidence pointing to--

"So, where we headed?" Camila's question pulls her out of her head, and Lauren's reminded that she's here to make Camila feel better, not to have an epiphany.

She shakes herself out of it easily, stores it in the back her mind for tomorrow, then, with a growing smirk on the corner of her lips, she teases with a vague,  _"You'll see."_

 

"I can't believe you made us walk halfway through campus in the middle of the night just so you could get a shake from  _Carls Jr."_

Sipping her drink, she shrugs, "They have good shakes," Lauren says around her straw.

Since she'd ambushed Camila earlier, her smiles have become more frequent, and the red in her eyes have begun fading away. She's laughing more – and not like the forced, exaggerated ones she'd put on earlier with the girls. Lauren may not agree with the whole  _bottling it up_ coping mechanism, but Camila seems more genuine in her grins, so she counts it as a win anyway.

"We heading back now?" Camila asks as they reach the path that leads them straight to her dorm.

"Not quite," Lauren answers, holding out her drink to Camila who happily takes a sip for herself, simultaneously offering Lauren her fries. "I thought we could take a short detour for a while."

She sees the hesitancy in Camila's eyes, and she almost gives in, but she knows that the moment Camila's alone, she's going to be left with dwelling on her thoughts, and Lauren's going to try and postpone that for as long as she can, so she leads them elsewhere.

They end up by the park nearby Camila's dorm, Lauren seating herself on the grassed ground, leaning back against the bark of a lone tree before Camila follows and settles herself next to her, bumping knees as they sit cross-legged.

They talk aimlessly about anything and everything, and it reminds her of the time over winter break when it was just the two of them at the beach. She doesn't talk about politics or anything related to her field of study, not when she knows how awkward Camila gets when she doesn't know how to add more into a conversation, and so she steers clear of it, even though she's itching to complain about the flaws in Russian foreign policy. But Camila listens and laughs and smiles as Lauren recounts her high school adventures, tells her the times where Dinah's an idiot  _(which is more often than not),_ making sure to talk about anything besides family.

But when it seems like there's nothing else to say, Lauren gives into the temptation when she asks, "It's okay if you're not okay, you know?"

She feels Camila stiffen next to her, and  _woah_ , Ally wasn't kidding when she said that this really isn't something Camila likes to talk about, but Lauren cares for her and she needs her to know that, "If you ever want to talk to me, you can."

There's a silence that's not quite comfortable, nor is it  _un_ comfortable, and it's new territory for their dynamic, so Lauren keeps going, because she really hates awkward pauses and hates it more that it's with Camila. "But like, if you don't, that's okay, too. I just- I don't know what you're going through, but I know that it isn't healthy to hold it all in, but if that's what you prefer than  _that's_  okay too, but like—if you want to talk, I'm here."

She kind of wishes that Camila had stopped her midst rambling, but she didn't and now that Lauren's done, her hearts beating a staccato against her chest from not knowing whether she'd crossed a line or not.

But Camila lets out a sigh, and with the exhale, Lauren feels like she can breathe once more. "I know, Laur. And I really appreciate that. I know you and the girls were worried, but I'm fine, I've been dealing with all this for a while now so, I'm used to it."

The way she shrugs and says it so casually breaks at Lauren's heart.

"Okay, but if you need to talk—"

"I'll hit you up," Camila finishes, smiles as she bumps her shoulder with Lauren, before she rests her head on her. 

 

They stay there for a while more, but when she feels Camila yawn against her, they decide to head back. Lauren walks her back to her room despite Camila's protests and by the time they make it back, it's almost three in the morning.

Lauren turns to head back to her room after pulling Camila into a hug, but is stopped when Camila's hand on her arm halts her movement.

"Stay here tonight. It's late," Camila reasons.

Lauren ignores the flutter in her chest at the sound of Camila's request. "I'll be okay," she says, waves her off, but when Camila's reply comes as a soft plea in the form of a  _"Please, stay,"_ she doesn't waste a moment before she nods and agrees.

There's an awkward moment when they're figuring out sleeping arrangements, Lauren suggesting  _(half-heartedly)_ to text Ally for permission to sleep in her bed, but Camila insists for them to just share the bed, with the reasoning that  _"She's with Troy and we might not want to disturb whatever moment they're having,"_ and that's enough for Lauren to agree.

_(Not that she was so against the idea, anyway.)_

It's not such a foreign thing anyway. Camila's slept over at hers before, and back then, when she thought that maybe Camila's fondness for cuddling was a one-off thing, she's proven wrong by tonight.

Camila doesn't hesitate this time as she wraps her arms around Lauren's waist, as she tangles their legs together, and Lauren melts right into the embrace.

They talk into the night, voices hushed as they share more and more parts of themselves, until their words get softer and more infrequent, until their breathings fall silent and their heartbeats steady.

That night, Lauren has a dreamless sleep. 

 

She wakes up to the sound of knocking. Lauren doesn't think as pries she pries arms off her body, barely bothering to put on pants or fix her bedhead before she answers the door.

Ally's on the other side and Lauren squints at the confused look on her face, unsure why Ally's staring at her like that.

Through her morning bleariness, she simply croaks out, voice rough from sleep, "Mornin', Ally. What's up?"

Ally's mouth hangs open and there must be  _something_ that Lauren's missing here, because clearly something  _big_ is happening here that Lauren's  _just not getting._

But then her shock shifts into a smug smile as she crosses her arms over her chest and says, "Nice to see you've made yourself at home."

_It clicks_ with the smirk Ally sends her way, and when Lauren twists her body to survey the room-  _the_ room, not  _her_ room – she finds a now rousing Camila stretching her arms mid-yawn, next to the space where Lauren was just in and-  _Oh._

Ally's soft chuckle brings her back to the moment. "Fuck- I meant-  _hey,"_ she stumbles over her words, moving aside to let Ally back into her own room, which she sees is now a mistake when it gives Ally a clear view of the space, which reveals to her that her bed wasn't slept in,  _meaning..._

The knowing grin on Ally's face in indication enough that she knows exactly where Lauren had slept last night.

Camila's too groggy to notice what's happening, greeting both Ally and Lauren with a raspy, "Morning, guys," and an oblivious smile.

And just like that, Camila hops out of bed, brushes past the two of them with a hazy grin as she makes her way towards the bathroom and shuts the door behind her.

With the sound of the water from the sink running, Ally's lips curve up into an even wider, wolfish grin.

"Well,  _that_ happened."

 

When Dinah answers her door, Lauren's met with an expectant look, and she already knows from that, that the purpose of the  _emergency meeting_ called on by Lauren herself, is going to be overshadowed by what Dinah  _thinks_ she knows.

With Dinah shutting the door after Lauren steps in, settling herself on the chair by the bed where a bored looking Normani waits, Dinah wastes no breath before she asks, "Why is it that I'm hearing from Ally that you slept with Camila last night?"

Normani jolts upright. "Why am  _I_ hearing it  _now_ from  _Dinah?!"_

Internally, she facepalms herself.

Also, externally.

Sighing as she bows her head, she finally meets the two of them, both with expectant looks on their faces, though there still remains some shock on Normani's.

"We  _slept_  together," she clears, "As in:  _we fell asleep next to each other."_

The twin looks that Dinah and Normani share, their brows quirked up in a  _'you expect me to believe that?'_ expression, elicits a hopeless huff from Lauren as she presses that, "We didn't have  _sex_ okay?"

"Fingering isn't considered third base for lesbians, okay- so just because y'all didn't go down on--"

_"No!"_ Lauren almost yells it out, her face surely blushing red with the heat she feels rise. "She was sad yesterday and I just went over to hers to ask her out--" Dinah's eyes light up here and Lauren's quick to add, "--  _for a walk_  to clear her head, and by the time we got back it was late and I think she was still feeling down, so she asked me to stay and I did."

Dinah nods, but Normani still looks at her curiously, but instead of questioning her about the matter any further, she asks, "Is she okay now?"

A rueful smile comes to Lauren's lips. "Better, I guess. But she still didn't want to talk about it." The disappointment is evident in her voice, but neither Dinah nor Normani comment.

"So, if you two didn't fuck," Dinah starts,  _always_ blunt, "what's with the emergency meeting?"

She lights up at that.  _Right,_ that was her main point of coming here. She delves quickly into her theory of how she may or may not suspect Camila and 532 to be the same person. Both look unconvinced at first, Lauren stacks up her evidencereasoning that Camila's a frequent library goer even prior to her and Ally joining their little study group, herlove for  _The 1975_ too and her odd silences whenever 532 is mentioned.  _Sure,_ it isn't a lot of evidence, but she thinks that it's the strongest lead.

"And like-  _c'mon,_ it's pretty coincidental that she's into girls, too, right? Like there's only a handful of gay girls on campus and one of them  _just happens to be Camila?"_

Normani quirks a brow. "Are you sure you're not projecting what you feel for Camila onto 532 by convincing yourself they're the same person?"

"What I- what I  _feel?"_ Lauren splutters, shaking her head incredulously, "For  _Camila?_ I don't- I don't  _feel_ anything for her! I mean, I feel  _friendly_ things for her because she's just like- a  _friend,_ like  _no."_

Okay,  _so,_ maybe she could've handled that better.

Dinah's the first to laugh while Normani just looks unimpressed. "Sure,  _that_ was convincing," Dinah says, Lauren finally managing to pull herself back together as she rolls her eyes. "But it's not her. 532 isn't Camila."

The sureness in Dinah's voice frustrates Lauren, falling defensive over her theory. "And why not?"

Dinah's about to reply when Normani questions, "Why do you want it to be Camila so badly?"

How Normani always manages to throw Lauren a curveball with all her questions astounds her. "I- I don't  _want_ it to be her. And like even  _if_ she's 532, it doesn't mean that we're automatically going to  _get together_ or anything. I'm just  _saying_ , the facts are  _pointing_ to Camila and--"

_"Trust me,_ it isn't Mila," Dinah says flatly.

"Okay, but  _why?"_

"It's my psychic Polynesian shit that's telling me it."

This time, Normani joins Lauren in rolling her eyes.

"I mean, yeah, maybe you're right," Normani starts, turning back to look at Lauren while Dinah sings out a  _'She's noooot'_ that Normani waves off, "But I think you're harbouring some feelings for that Cuban ass that's making you  _want_ it to be Camila."

Lauren's about to refute whatever accusations Normani's pinning onto her when Dinah chimes in. "I mean, I'm like the last person to deny that Walz has got the serious hots for you with all her heart eyes and those gooey ass smiles she wears when you're around, but I  _really_ don't think it's her."

Lauren lets it rest there. Mostly because she's terrified her rambling to defend herself will possibly serve to incriminate her further  _(for something she isn't even guilty of- like, her? Lauren? Liking Camila? That's_ ridiculous _),_ but maybe it's also because Dinah's comment about heart eyes and gooey smiles had caught her off guard.

The other two let it go too – though she does catch the sneaking looks that Normani constantly sends her throughout the day – but for now, they're no closer than the first day to finding out who 532 is with neither one of the three agreeing on a single person. 

 

She doesn't do it intentionally, but she doesn't spend time alone with Camila for the next two weeks.

If Camila notices, she doesn't mention anything.

They still text and Camila still sends her random wholesome memes saying  _'you seemed stressed today. hope this cheers you up'_ and the jokes really aren't that funny, but Lauren can't help but grin at the thought behind Camila's messages.

But she reasons that she doesn't have as much time to spend with Camila with her presentation on  _Marxism in IR_  coming up, but even she sees right through that one. The whole thing isn't even graded and she can pull out a decent PowerPoint in under a day's work, but still, if asked, she'll stick with that.

So once again, she finds herself in the library, seated in the corner accompanied this time by only Ally and Camila – the other two probably just finishing up their dance class.

Ally's doing her readings for her coming tutorial while Camila wears the cutest frown in her brow as her hand glides across the pages of her notebook, filling them with messy words that Lauren can't make out from where she's sitting.

"What're you writing for?"

It takes Lauren nudging her softly for Camila to respond.

"Huh?" she asks with a dazed look across her features, then explaining that, "I've got a slam coming up next week and I need some new shit,  _so-"_  gesturing vaguely to her notebook once Lauren repeats her question.

"Can I come?"

Lauren's question gets answered by Ally's scoff. "Good luck with that. She won't even let me come."

But just as Lauren's about to frown petulantly in an attempt to change Camila's mind, it's apparently unnecessary. "Well, I  _mean--"_

Ally looks downright  _betrayed._ Her eyes are blown wide, and the sharp gasp she takes may be a little extra, but it adds to effect. "You're only letting her go because you--"

Whatever Ally's about to reveal gets shut down with a thudding noise from under the table and a hard look that Camila sends her way. Still, Ally looks affronted, crossing her arms over her chest, but Lauren thinks it just makes Ally look all the more cuddly.

_"C'mon, Als,"_  Camila pleads, softly and almost as though she were talking to a child. The whole scene is comedic, and Lauren's having a field day just watching it unfold. "I let you go the last time, and you know how I feel about knowing like more than one person in the crowd. Like you  _saw_ how nervous I got when Shawn and Ari came along in that one open mic," she reasons, reaching over to Ally who still looks like Camila had actually committed treason.

"Also, she promised me over winter break that she'd let me come,  _so--"_ Lauren chimes in, reminding Camila of that little agreement they made all those months ago.

Ally now shoots  _her_ a look, and if she weren't so goddamn cute, Lauren might actually feel threatened.

Eventually, Ally agrees to let it go, and Camila grins brightly as she presses a wet kiss to her cheek that Ally makes a show of wiping off. Excitedly, Camila whispers to Lauren the date and time, and that  _none_ of the other girls can know where or when it is, because she doesn't trust that they won't just show up. With Lauren's word, swearing that it's kept between the two of them, Camila seals it with a,  _"Well, it's a date, then!"_

Lauren pretends that her heart doesn't jump at that.

 

It's 10AM on a Monday morning and with the night out they had that went on into the early hours of the day last night, sitting in a lecture with the lecturer droning on about  _Constructivism_  isn't exactly what she'd prefer to be doing,  _especially sans caffeine._ It isn't aided by the fact that the rest of the girls  _don't_ have classes, being sure to rub that right in with snapchats of them in their respective beds on the group chat, all looking cosy and very much like they're not in hell.

(The snap Camila sends borders the line between  _so goddamn adorable_ and  _how does someone look that perfect in the early morning?_ and had it not been for the notification Snapchat sends when a screenshot is taken, Lauren may have given into temptation.)

The lecturer's going on about Wendt and ' _anarchy being what states make them out to be'_ when Lauren decides that taking notes are futile when she's falling in and out of sleep, and decides that she'll just listen to the lecture recording later.

She's on the brink of just laying her head on the table in front of her when she feels a tap on her shoulder. When she turns, she's met with dark brown eyes and waves of caramel hair, and  _fuck, she's beautiful._

If she were more awake and had caffeine in her system, she'd maybe have the energy to do something possibly stupid and embarrassing, and she thanks whatever God's out there that she isn't and doesn't, because all she does is send the girl a lazy smile and asks,  _"Yeah?"_

The girl grins back, pink lips stretching widely before she waves her pen before Lauren. "I ran out of ink," she explains, "Do you have an extra on you that I can borrow?"

Lauren helps easily, fumbling for a pen from the bottom of her bag before she hands it over to her with a smile, then turning back around in an attempt to try and regain focus and motivation to pay attention to whatever is being taught.

The attempt fails.

She dozes off the moment she lays back in the seat, uncaring of whoever could be looking on.

She stirs with the claps that indicate the end of the hour, and she doesn't even wait another second before she shuts her laptop and slips it into her bag as she speeds off and heads straight back for her dorms. She doesn't have another class until three and that's in another four hours which gives her three hours and fifty minutes to take a nap.

The moment her back hits her mattress, a smile comes to her face.

She makes sure to snap a picture of her and send it to the group, captioned  _'_ _reunited and it feels so good'_  before she allows herself to drift off into sleep.

When she wakes some hours later, among the few notifications on her phone is:  _camilanaps took a screenshot!_  and Lauren finds herself in a much better mood for the rest of the day. 

 

She's dreaded it all day, but with the concluding slide, she's  _done_. The tutor gives her an encouraging nod that Lauren forces a smile to before she reclaims her seat. They go on discussing the topic, answering questions from the assigned readings and Lauren's quick to join into the debate they've fallen into.

When it comes to the hour, everyone packs away their things, one by one students filing out and Lauren follows.

Pulling her phone from her back pocket she sees the group chat say something about meeting for dinner at Ally's and Camila's, that food's on them for tonight. She's just tapped the  _send_ button, replying that ' _where there's free food, I'm there,'_ when she hears her name being called out by an unrecognizable voice.

Looking around to find whoever it is, she finds those same brown eyes and brunette hair, and she's definitely more beautiful when Lauren's more awake.

"Hey," she calls out, smile on her lips and Lauren can't help but mirror it.

"Hey," Lauren repeats.

She watches as the girl adjusts the strap on her shoulder as her other hand runs through her hair, a tick that Lauren's all too familiar with. "I just wanted to tell you that you did a good presentation," she says.

As much as Lauren appreciates it, her presentation was subpar at best. She'd really put the bare minimum into it, but she's not going to tell her that, not when she's obviously using that as a conversation starter.

"Thanks," she flashes her a smile, "Didn't know you were in that session, I haven't seen you before," she mentions, because she really  _hasn't,_  and that's saying something, given that the tutorials are classes of a maximum twelve people.

"Yeah," she nods, "I'm usually in Aliyah's Tuesday group, but every couple weeks we have softball training at that time so I come into this one," she explains.

Lauren shifts awkwardly on her feet. She doesn't quite know what to say, and so she settles dumbly on, "Cool, cool."

She must sense the tension too, because she's quick to add, "Oh, and I wanted to return this to you."

It's her pen – a pen that costs barely a dollar and Lauren's  _pretty_ sure that she knows this too, that Lauren probably didn't even need it back, but despite it all, a grin pulls at her lips at the action, as she lets out a, "Thanks, I was  _lost_ without this lil guy," a teasing glint in her eyes.

She gasps exaggeratedly, "I can't believe you just gendered a pen, unknowing of what they really identify as."

It elicits a soft chuckle from Lauren. "My bad, my bad," she apologises. For someone she's  _practically_ just met a couple minutes ago, she clicks with her easily. It occurs to her that she doesn't know her name, so Lauren continues, saying, "I promise I won't do that anymore..." dragging the last word out waiting for her to offer her--

"Lucy," she answers, "My name's Lucy."

-/-

 


	3. part three

They become fast friends. Or, 'fast  _friends'._

It's blindingly obvious that Lucy likes her, what with her shameless flirting and their constant conversation, and Lauren would be the first one to admit that there's at least an attraction there and she could  _possibly_ see it fester into something more. There's a lot about her to like as well, with her unfiltered opinions, her easy humour and their mutual interests, conversation flowing easily between the two about anything between politics and smaller, more menial things.

It helps that she's beautiful too.

So, when she asks her out, Lauren doesn't hesitate, smile mirroring the one Lucy wears.

She tries to keep it lowkey, knowing the moment any of the girls find out, she wouldn't hear the end of it, and that's exactly what happens when Dinah finds out about the date they went on.

"I can't believe you didn't tell us!" Dinah punches her square in the arm, Lauren letting out an affronted  _'Ow!'_ as she rubs at the sore spot, looking towards Normani for support, whose nonchalant shrug tells her that she's fighting this battle on her own.

They're lounging around Ally's and Camila's kitchen of their dorm, having just ordered pizza for lunch, per Camila's request, who isn't even here yet. Lauren had attempted to distract them with putting on Netflix on her laptop, but Dinah doesn't have it.

 _"Spill,"_ she all but demands, "Who is she? What's she like? What did you two gays do?" Dinah bombards her with questions, Normani's adding on a  _"Do tell,"_ while Ally seems impartial to the conversation.

And after a little more prodding and a bribe of lunch on Dinah in exchange for information, Lauren tells them how their dinner plans failed to come through and instead, they'd sat in Lucy's car, ate takeout, talking and ranting about pretty much everything until she'd driven her home, pressing a kiss to her lips with the end of the date.

"And she's like,  _really_  pretty- like  _model_ pretty. She's got these pretty brown eyes and her brown hair and- _yeah."_

Normani smiles softly back at her, but Dinah's grin looks downright smug. Her mouth falls open likely to tease Lauren mercilessly about the whole thing when Ally's cuts in with a:

"Sounds like Camila."

"What?"

Ally shrugs, eyes not really meeting Lauren's. "Just saying. She sounds kind of like Camila. Brown eyes, brown hair, beautiful."

 _"Oh my god! She does!"_ Dinah squeals excitedly, and Lauren can  _see_ how her thoughts go through unfiltered as they reach her mouth, and as the words are on the tip of her tongue, Lauren  _already_ cringes pre-emptively. "You  _so_ have a type!"

She can feel the flush that rises in her face, but she thanks her lucky stars that Camila isn't here yet, that she wasn't here to witness  _that._

"I don't have a  _type_ ," she refutes, smacking Dinah on the arm who doesn't look at all fazed as she shoots her a look that  _hopefully_ sends the message that says ' _Ally and Camila are best friends and you can't just say things like that!',_ but just in case it isn't clear, Lauren defends that, "I don't- I never  _like-liked_ Camila."

 _"Pfft-_ but you-"

"Well,  _that's_ obvious."

There's something stinging and poisonous in Ally's voice, and at that, Normani almost immediately falls into the defensive with her quirked brow and, "What's  _that_  supposed to mean?"

Ally doesn't even look bothered by the three pair of narrowed eyes looking at her, face stoic as she answers, "I'm just saying it's clear you don't  _like-like_ her."

Her tone is harsh and it hits at Lauren's heart at the sound of it, unsure really why she's acting as such.

"Why?" one of them asks, Lauren's unsure of who because she's more concerned with Ally's sudden attitude towards her.

"Well, given that you're with Lucy now," she says, then, voice harder, she adds, "And that you completely bailed on her when she invited  _only_  you to her event."

Realisation weighs like a ton of bricks, slamming into her along with the load of guilt that falls onto her shoulders at Ally's words. She can feel both Normani and Dinah's questioning eyes on her as she stares blankly into nothing, blame rushing through her as she thinks of how she  _literally_ had  _one fucking job_  and she couldn't even come through for her friend when she'd trusted Lauren enough to invite her in the first place.

 _"Fuck,"_ she lets out, biting at her lip at the thought of it all. It had completely slipped her mind, so preoccupied with the date with Lucy that she hadn't even remembered that the slam was on that same day.

 _"Yeah, 'fuck',"_ Ally says, glares at her, and even in anger, the swear sounds wrong coming from her lips. "That was really...  _shitty_  of you, Lauren," she tells her, "Camila doesn't invite just  _anyone_ to come to those things, and you didn't even have the decency to tell her you weren't going to show up."

The two others' confused looks burn into Lauren but she doesn't even have the time to explain since the door pushes open to reveal a dishevelled Camila coming through, unknowing of the tension in the room as her face lights up at the sight of the four of them, greeting them with a, "Hey guys! Sorry I'm late," she apologises obliviously, dropping her knapsack on the way to them, moving in between where Ally and Dinah are to wrap an arm around each of their shoulders.

Ally smiles up at her as Camila squeezes her tight in her arm, but the moment she turns back to Lauren, she casts a look that tells her  _'We're not done talking about this'._

"I picked up some food on the way back," she starts, turning over to where she'd dropped her bag, "But it  _may_ be squished by now, but..." she shrugs, too cheery to even realise that the rest of them are still recovering from the tension from earlier.

Dinah recuperates the quickest. "Where were you?" she asks.

"Slept over at Ari's," Camila answers, and at the questioning look from the rest of them, she shoots a glare Ally's way.  _"Some_ one needed the room to herself last night."

Ally grins bashfully, a small  _'Sorry,'_ on her lips as Camila hands them out the now-squashed sandwiches that she retrieves from her bag. "It's a good thing that Ariana's still very much in love with you."

For the second time in a short period, Lauren's stomach lurches at Ally's words.

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is  _not._

"Is-"

"Can y'all catch  _us_ up and we'll help decide if it's  _'is too'_ or  _'is not'_?" Normani chimes in, kinking an unimpressed brow.

Camila's  _"No-"_ is cut off with Ally's quick, "Ari and Camila used to date but they broke it off when Mila was going through some stuff but Ari's  _definitely,_ very much still in love with her."

The daggers Camila stares Ally's way is enough to confirm her words.

"She isn't."

"She jumps at any opportunity to let you sleepover, she's always checking up on you,  _hell_ , she even bought you  _flowers_ for Valentine's!"

With a nod, Dinah agrees, "That girl  _definitely_ still has the hots for you."

There's an odd feeling that rises in Lauren at that that she only just identifies as  _maybe_ being jealousy when she hears Camila reply, "I mean, I  _do_ still love her-" and she feels her face fall at Camila's admission but she hopes it doesn't show as she plasters on a smile while Camila continues, "-but I'm not  _in love_ with her. She's  _comfortable_ , but- I don't  _want_  comfortable.  _Love_ shouldn't be that, you know?"

"Are you going to say something poetic like  _'love is supposed to challenge you and keep you on your toes'_ or something?" Dinah teases, but the shy smile Camila wears with the shrug on her shoulders tells Lauren her answer would be anything but serious.

Ally answers Dinah's question for Camila, "Don't make fun of her," defending her with a soft smile and just as Camila looks as though she's about to thank Ally for the backup, she adds, "Mila's like  _the_ epitome of a hopeless romantic.

_"Am not!"_

_"Are too!"_

_"Am no-"_

"Are we  _seriously_ going to do this  _again?"_ Normani cuts in, quirking a brow in the two bickering girls' direction.

That shuts them both up, along with the buzzing of the door, the pizza guy's voice coming through the intercom and after being the last two to yell out  _'Not it!'_ Lauren and Camila are left to go down to collect the food.

Lauren grumbles mainly for show, but she's kind of glad for the alone time, hoping that she'll be able to slip in an apology somewhere along the way, and by the look on Ally's face that she shoots at Lauren before they turn to leave, she's expecting for Lauren to do the same.

They're on the way down when Camila pulls her into a conversation about a puppy she'd seen today, and she's so carefree and relaxed despite the fact Lauren had  _ditched_  her only a couple days ago and Lauren's realising that maybe Camila is just too good for this world.

She hands the pizza guy the cash as he trades it for the food, Camila happily accepting it with the brightest, most excited grin Lauren has ever seen, and she's pretty sure how Camila's gazing at the pizza boxes is what being in love looks like.

"Wait, Camz," her touch on Camila's arm halts them before they return to the kitchen.

"What's up?" she asks, clueless, attention more trained on the food she's holding.  _Yeah,_ Lauren confirms,  _love._

"I- uh- I'm-" she stutters out because Camila's out here looking like Lauren hadn't completely bailed on her, without a trace of resentment or hate in her eyes and Camila might just be the nicest person in this damned world.

And when she touches her hand to Lauren's arm, asking a, "Hey, you alright?" with concern in her eyes and laced in her words, Lauren  _knows_  that this world is undeserving of someone like Camila.

It makes her feel that much worse.

"I'm  _so_ sorry about your slam- I  _really_ should've been there, but I forgot and I didn't tell you and that's no excuse, and I feel absolutely  _terrible_  and I don't know how you don't hate me and-"

Lauren's the one to stop herself. Camila's smiling widely and it makes Lauren suspect that maybe Camila isn't just nice, that maybe she's a little crazy too, but at the confused look she wears with the, "What is it?" that she asks, Camila simply says, "It's okay, Laur," with a soft grin and Lauren concludes at this woman can _not_ be real. "I kinda lost and I'd have preferred you  _not_ to have seen that,  _anyway_ , so," she shrugs, lips curved gently. "A friend from Music showed up, so it's really okay," Camila reassures.

Camila's words only deepen the frown in Lauren's brow. "What?" Camila now asks, that almost infuriating smile still on her lips.

"You're- you're not  _at all_ mad at me?"

"Should I be?"

"I mean-  _yeah? Camila_ ," Lauren presses, unsure if she's really getting it or not, "I  _bailed_ on you when I promised I'd be there. That's- that's  _not cool."_

"I'm not going to lie, I was pretty sad for a while," she replies and the casual nonchalance breaks Lauren's heart and if there's one thing she could redo is that whole fucking day - she'd have turned down Lucy's date, would've made it to the bar hours earlier, would've cheered Camila on the whole time - but she moment's cut short with the shrug she wears on her shoulders as she continues, "But I've learned that worse things happen in life and I'm not going to fret over the little ones."

Lauren stares in awe of Camila. Is it possible for a single person to be this perfect?

"But if it'll make you feel better," Camila continues and if Lauren's jaw could unhinge completely, it would. Lauren's the one having something to apologise for and Camila's out here trying to make her  _feel better._ "A friend from Music showed up and I don't think I would've been able to handle the pressure of both of you there."

That decides it, Lauren thinks. This world  _is_  undeserving of Camila Cabello.

"I'm pretty sure I'm half in love with you right now," Lauren all but blurts out, grateful smile on her lips as she pulls Camila into a tight and thankful hug.

Camila lets out a laugh, shaky and unsteady. Lauren doesn't notice. Nor does she notice the flush in Camila's cheeks or the bite of her lips as she turns to push the door open, meeting the too-eager girls awaiting their pizzas.

Camila follows closely behind, laying down the pizzas before the rest of them as they don't bother wasting a second before they dig in, grabbing a slice for themselves - the rest of the girls purposefully avoiding the Hawaiian that Camila had ordered, which strategically gives Camila a whole pizza to herself.

The weight of the tension from earlier leaves Lauren's shoulders - though in the back of her mind, she makes it a point to make it up to Camila somehow - Ally even letting it go after a not-too sneaky nod from Camila assures her that all is well. Between the light banter and continuous roasts of each other's love lives (which not even Ally is safe from), Lauren's words from earlier are mostly forgotten.

By one of them, at least.

 

One date turns to two dates, which turns to three, then four, then five, and suddenly they're  _dating._

Being with Lucy is easy. She makes Lauren laugh and keeps her thinking and never lets her forget how much she likes her, and it doesn't take long or much for Lauren to return the feelings. 

All this withstanding, Lauren doesn't yet introduce Lucy to the girls.

She does this for a few reasons.  _One:_ it's  _new_. She's only been  _dating_ Lucy for over two weeks, and if something were to go wrong, she doesn't think it's worth it for the girls to get involved over something so new.  _Two:_ she's enjoying learning about Lucy on her own, and she doesn't want any of the girls' opinions to cloud her judgement, not yet at least, not until she properly  _knows_ Lucy first.  _And finally -_ and most importantly -  _three: Dinah Jane Hansen._ Dinah  _can_ be a bit overwhelming at times, and a true measure of a person is getting the Dinah Jane stamp of approval, which puts a lot of pressure on both Lauren and whoever it is she's bringing home. On top of that, Dinah's personality is...  _big,_ to say the least, which on its own is overwhelming enough. Add all that with the rest of the girls, and-  _yeah, she's not ready for that._

Lucy asks, though. Which is warranted and valid, but... Lucy doesn't know what she's asking for and Lauren doesn't really know if she's ready for that- not yet, at least. She's met Lucy's friends - her drop-dead gorgeous friends that she models with, all with long, slender legs and faces made for magazines and billboards and just about anything else an image can be plastered on - so it only seems fair for Lucy to meet Lauren's too, right?  _Wrong._

With Dinah  _still_  on the hunt for 532, Lauren's not about to put all  _that_ on Lucy. She likes her a little too much to scare her away.

But in-a-relationship-Lauren isn't too much different from single-Lauren, save from the heaps of free time she used to have just lounging around in bed, procrastinating yet another tutorial reading, that free time spent balanced between Lucy or the girls. Relationship-Lauren is still very much the same Lauren that is at Normani's beck and call, showing up to any club or frat house to pick her drunk ass off the floor and drag her home; still the same Lauren that teases Dinah for being smitten with her guy (whom she still refuses to call her boyfriend because that label is  _'lame af');_ still the same Lauren that attempts to help Ally bake, only to be left with mixing duties (since that's the only she can  _not_ mess up), and she's very much the same Lauren that Camila can come over to take naps with between lectures.

That is, until-

"We have a max of twenty minutes," Lauren pants into Lucy's mouth, pulling her into her room and pushing her towards the bed that's too-filled with cushions and pillows to compensate for the lumpiness of the mattress.

"That's fifteen more than I need," Lucy replies and Lauren can feel Lucy's smirk against her own mouth as she sucks on her bottom lip.

A smile tugs at the corner of Lauren's mouth at that, "Don't start getting cocky without delivering, Vives," she teases, eyes glinting playfully for a second with her quirked brow before she leans back in to meet Lucy's lips once more, settled nicely on her lap, purposefully moving her hips in the way that gets the woman beneath her moaning.

And at the first moan that falls from between Lucy's bitten lips, Lauren wastes not a second before she moves to pull her shirt off her, then busying herself with her own.

She catches how Lucy's eyes drift over her body, and an unadmitted sense of pride over how well she takes care of her body rushes through her, adding a slight tinge of pink to her creamy skin. "Fuck, babe- you're so hot."

Lauren reaches out to tuck loose strands of hair behind Lucy's ear, brushes her thumb across her cheekbone. "You're not so bad yourself," she teases, Lucy tipping her chin up, touching lips again.

Pulling apart from the kiss, Lauren gathers her hair to tie into a messy bun before pushing Lucy against the mattress and-

"Okay, but I  _really_ need some cuddles and a nap right about-  _Oh my God!"_

That all too familiar voice sends a shock through her system, Lauren twisting around to find an equally surprised Camila by her door, mouth agape and eyes wide, looking like she's about to drop the books she has clutched to her chest.

_"What the fu-"_

_"Camz-"_

Neither Lucy nor Lauren are able to finish their sentences, not when, just as quickly as Camila had stormed in, she's rushing right back out, door swinging shut behind her.

Lauren doesn't waste a second before she's pushing herself off Lucy and chasing after Camila, who's all but sprinted down the hallway, but Lauren manages to catch up to her when she's halted by the fire doors.

 _"Camila-"_ Lauren pants, trying to catch her breath after that little sprint.

Camila's  _still_ trying to push her way through but with an arm preoccupied with her books and laptop, her attempt is futile.

 _"Hey-"_ touching her arm, Lauren finally gets Camila to stop trying to escape, but when her attention is finally on Lauren, it  _isn't._ The girl refuses to look straight at Lauren, eyes staring anywhere but, and it only deepens the furrow in Lauren's brow, until she realises-

"Shit-" she wraps her arms around her body, only now noticing that she'd dashed out of her room without throwing on a shirt, that she's standing in the hallway in simply her bra.

It's only then when Camila lets her eyes meet Lauren's, and that's when she notices the bright scarlet in her cheeks, as if she can't take it, Camila strips herself of her denim jacket, arms going around Lauren to drape it over her shoulders.

Something flutters in Lauren's chest at how she flattens the lapels, at how soft and gentle the act is.

"Camz," she starts again, forcing Camila's eyes to meet hers, "I'm  _so_ sorry about  _that,_ I-"

"Hey-" Camila stops her, a forced smile on her lips, "It's  _your_ room- I should've knocked, or texted, or given you any heads up, really. I just- I kinda forgot that you have...  _yeah_ \- anyway,  _I'm_ sorry."

"No, don't be sorry," Lauren shakes her head. "Cuddles and naps are  _our_  thing- Lucy doesn't change that," she reassures her, only letting go of Camila's arm when she nods in reply. "Just, maybe, text me next time?" Lauren suggests with a playful grin, earning one in return from Camila.

"Okay," she smiles, then tells Lauren that she should get going anyway, something about a friend from Music texting her about grabbing coffee before class, and Lauren makes sure to pull her into a hug to make sure that everything's okay between them. And as Camila's about to take her leave, she adds, "Um- tell Lucy it was nice...  _uh_ ,  _meeting_ her," clearing her throat and flashing Lauren a smile she knows can't be genuine.

By the time Lauren makes it back to her room, Lucy's got her shirt back on and her backpack slung over her shoulder.

"Babe," she calls out from where she stands by the door, furrow in her brow as Lucy moves around to gather her things. She eyes the digital clock she has on the corner of her desk. "We still have like twelve more minutes."

Lucy smiles softly at her as she makes her way over, presses a kiss to her cheek. "I think your friend kinda put me out of the mood," she grins, tucking her hair behind her ear, "I should make a head start for my lecture anyway."

Lauren's reluctant to let her go, but does anyway, touching her lips to Lucy's before she lets her leave.

Only as she plops back on her bed, pulls her laptop onto her lap does she realise that she's snug in denim. Camila's denim. And when she texts her about it, she gets back a reply that reads  _keep it for me for now. you pull it off better anyway,_ and Lauren feels a rising warmth come to her cheeks.

So, while relationship-Lauren may not be able to have naps with Camila whenever she pleases, relationship-Lauren is still as affected as single-Lauren was by the little things that Camila says.

 

The moment the song ends, Lauren's chair almost falls behind her from how quick she stands, breaking out in applause and cheers, proud grin on her face as she calls out  _'That's my best friend!'_. Camila stumbles down the stage with her guitar slung behind her and the brightest smile on her face and Lauren wastes not even a second to meet her there to engulf her in a hug and about a dozen praises per second.

"Oh my god, please tell me there's somewhere I can download that song to listen to on repeat for the rest of forever?"

Her cheeks turn bright pink, eyes darting to the floor as she bites down on her bottom lip.

After promising her that she'll record a proper version especially for Lauren, Camila tells her to meet her outside, that she needs to say 'hi' to a couple of other people she recognises in the crowd.

She waits in the alley, taken two drags of her cigarette by the time Camila emerges, her electric guitar now in its case.

Camila makes a face at the sight of what she's smoking, but doesn't comment any further, just lays against the wall next to Lauren on the side the smoke isn't blowing.

"I really loved that last song," she tells her and Camila smiles at that.

"Thanks, Laur. It really means a lot."

"And you wrote it all?"

"Shawn helped me with the guitar bits, but I wrote the lyrics myself, yeah," she says, then mentions that, "He was in there, actually. He and Ari tend to show up at these things even when I tell 'em not to. They're probably like my biggest fans," she laughs.

But Lauren shakes her head, "No way. After hearing  _that_ ,  _I'm_  your biggest fan," she says and even she can hear the slight tinge of possessiveness there. "I'm going to go home and make a Camila Cabello fan account and draw fan art and what not."

If she were asked what's the one thing she'd choose to stare at for the rest of time, it'd be the splitting grin that Camila wears on her lips right now.

"You're ridiculous, Jauregui," she replies, eyes downcast as her dimples poke through her cheeks.

"And you're so fucking talented."

By the way she flushes even brighter, the elongated  _'Stoooop'_  on her lips, Lauren senses how she may not be too comfortable under the praises and compliments.

So, instead, she asks, "Tell me something I don't know about you," bumping her shoulder with Camila.

Camila's hum reverberates through her. There's a pause where Lauren can only hear the beat of her heart over the wind and the distant chirping of animals she can't really name. With the silence that stretches, Lauren begins to think that Camila's going to share something so deep, something so close to her heart, up until the moment she speaks.

"I can rap  _Look At Me Now_  perfectly," she confesses and Lauren lets out a laugh immediately. "Like,  _arguably_  better than Busta Rhymes himself," she adds with an air of confidence that Lauren finds extremely endearing.

"Not that I expected for you to trust me with your darkest secret," Lauren starts, grin on her lips before she takes another drag, "but I was kinda expecting something a little more  _juicy_."

There's a faux look of disbelief on Camila's face as she holds her hand to her chest. " _Look At Me Now_  not  _juicy_  enough for you?" She laughs it off, then, with a shrug, "I'm not very interesting. I wish I could tell you I killed a man and buried his body in the middle of a forest or something, but literally the most interesting thing I can tell you is that every time I go home to Miami, Sofi and I marathon as many Disney movies as we can."

She finds herself grinning at that, the cheek-numbing type. She's yet to meet Sofi, but from the pictures Camila has sent her way, she imagines Camila and a mini-version of her cuddling up in layers of blankets as Tangled plays on the screen before them.

"What?" she hears Camila ask, and it's only then that she realises she's been smiling like a fool for a while.

"That's just the cutest thing ever."

There's a blush on Camila's cheeks that Lauren doesn't resist the urge to brush her thumbs over.

"And you're wrong," she adds, "You're probably the most interesting person I know."

A sense of needing to convince Camila of this fact comes over her at how she averts her eyes.

"I'm serious, Camz," Lauren presses. "Not just  _anyone_  can go up there and sing the songs you did and it's even crazier that you  _wrote_  them. Whoever it is you're writing about is a lucky person," she tells her, words dipped and dripping in sincerity.

There's a quiet _'Yeah,'_  that's whispered, barely loud enough for Lauren to hear, but she does anyway. This time, with her eyes more focused on her feet, Camila doesn't look embarrassed or shy, more...  _sad_  than anything.

Lauren asks, but Camila shrugs it off, diverting conversation to the Uber that she's ordered for them. She lets it go solely because she thinks Camila has already exposed herself a lot tonight by inviting her to the open mic and that there's only so much she can be willing to share.

They get the Uber to drop them off at the midway point of both their dorms since they're broke students who don't quite want to pay for an added trip, but in the end, Lauren still walks Camila to her dorm, insisting that she can't trust that something bad won't happen. Camila responds with how her logic is flawed since  _she'll_  have to walk even further back alone now, and one retort after the other and they decide it's in both their best interests for Lauren to just stay over at Camila's that night.

She sees a text from Lucy, something about  _meeting up later at night?_  a couple of hours ago, and since she guesses that preposition has now expired, she simply plugs Camila's extra charger into her phone before she turns and snuggles close to the other woman, wrapping her arms around Camila's slim waist, the scent of her shampoo invading her senses.

"Hey, Laur?" she hears Camila's voice come in a hushed whisper after a moment's silence.

Lauren hums in reply.

"Thanks for coming today," she says, words low and quiet.

Lauren props herself up on her elbow, peers over to look at Camila through the dark. "Of course," she smiles, "I'm going to be at every one of these things, Camz," she promises, "I was serious about being your biggest fan. I'm the founder of the  _Camila Cabello fan club."_

"Yeah?" Camila asks and even in the dark, she can see the grin on her lips.

 _"Yep,"_ Lauren confirms with a sure nod.

 

Two days later, she gets a text from Camila telling her to check her e-mail.

Subject:  _for my biggest fan,_ it reads andLauren grins as she opens the link, her lips stretching impossibly wider when an audio file, titled  _'i'll never be the same.mp3',_ is attached.

She replays the song at least eighteen times that night alone.

 

They're dating for a bit over a month and a half when Lucy finally meets the rest of the girls.

Lucy paces nervously before. She runs over the information Lauren's told her about each girl.

"Normani does Business and she dances, right?" Lucy asks and Lauren hums, biting on her smile as she watches how anxious Lucy's getting about it. "With Dinah, right? And Dinah watches  _How To Get Away_ too," she continues on and Lauren nods, amused by it all. "And Ally's the one with Troy, who's really tiny and does  _Music Industry_ and rooms with Camz, who does-"

 _"Mila,"_ Lauren hears herself snap out, her mouth moving on its own volition without her even realising. It's a knee-jerk reaction, her possessiveness for the nickname. "Or Camila," she goes on, voice softer now. "Just- anything  _but_ Camz- that's- that's  _mine."_

Lucy gives her an odd look at that, but Lauren isn't faltered. She'll stand by this forever if she can.  _Hell,_ if she could patent a nickname, she'd do so for  _'Camz'._

 _"Oookay,"_ Lucy throws her hands up in defence, "Sorry," she apologises and Lauren almost feels bad, "You just refer to her as Camz so much that I started thinking of her as that too.  _Camila,"_ she repeats, trying the name on her tongue, "Camila does poetry and she sings and she's from Miami too," Lucy continues on her revision of the girls, and Lauren's grateful for how she doesn't make a big deal of it. Especially not when she gets a text from the group saying that they're here. 

Normani immediately takes to her. Dinah, after her initial hostility and interrogation, starts chatting with her about just about anything. Ally, being the kindest soul ever, welcomes her easily and Camila, after an awkward first greeting given their one previous encounter, becomes Lucy's very best friend.

They hit it off quickly. Lauren sees how she lights up at the fact that Lucy's a Spanish speaker and when Camila finds out about Lucy having lived in Mexico,  _that_ conversation goes on for what feels like hours for the rest of them.

Watching them talk animatedly with each other, lacing Spanish words in their talk, she notices a few too many similarities between them, and Dinah's words from way back come to mind. While she never quite  _properly_ felt anything for Camila, she'd be the first to admit that she does find the woman attractive - like,  _very_ attractive - and maybe, she  _does_ have a type. Add that to Keana and,  _yeah,_ she  _maybe does_  have a type _._

Lucy leaves after dinner, something about drinks with some friends and that's when Dinah says it.

 _"Bitch,"_  she starts, as  _always,_ "It's her."

Four pairs of narrowed eyes stare at Dinah. "What?" Lauren speaks up, quirking a brow because she really can't deal with Dinah's vague comments now.

"She's 532!" Dinah squeals, looking like she'd just won the lottery with how bright her grin is and Lauren was almost sure that they were over  _that_. "She's five-three-fucking-two! I found her!"

 _"Dinah,"_ Lauren warns her, "Can't we just let that  _go_?"

"Nope," she shakes her head, "I'm winning this bet," Dinah starts, and Lauren can just  _see_ disaster approaching as her mouth reopens, "Just because  _you_ bet on Camila and you were wrong-"

_"Dinah-"_

_"Dinah-"_

_"You what-?"_

_"She what-?"_

All four voices call out together, and by her wide eyes, Dinah  _knows_ she messed up too. Lauren feels the flush rise to her cheeks. She refuses to look anywhere near Camila's direction who wears a puzzled look on her face. She sees from her periphery that Normani eyes both Camila and Ally, something in her stare looking wary and Lauren can't quite make sense of it, so she doesn't try. All she knows is that she has someone to murder and that person goes by Dinah Jane Hansen.

(What she  _doesn't_  know is that last week, when Normani had overheard part of Camila's conversation with Ally, she poked and prodded until Camila had finally spilled, finally admitted that she may be kind of crushing on Lauren and walking in to see her straddling Lucy almost broke her very heart. She also doesn't know that Normani had tried to subtly encourage Camila to keep on her pursuit of Lauren, all the while keeping the very thing Dinah had just spilled all to herself.)

"I'm kidding?" Dinah tries, earning a very unamused look from Lauren.

"Wait- you think that 532 is...  _me?"_ Camila asks, her voice slow and soft and she sounds more confused than anything.

 _This_ is exactly why secrets should be  _secrets,_ and should especially be kept from the people they're about. Shooting a glare Dinah's way, Lauren then turns towards Camila.

"I- uh, I  _suspected_ , I guess? Like... you like  _The 1975_  and we did find you in the library and-"

"You thought it was me," Camila repeats in a low murmur, and Lauren turns quickly to Dinah again to shoot daggers at her, her eyes too trained on Dinah and making sure she knows that she'll pay for that little slip up later that she doesn't notice the growing smile on Camila's lips, and so she doesn't take that into account when she continues:

"But I was being ridiculous," she shakes her head, looking back at Camila whose smile is now no more, "Like, you and I?  _Pfft."_ At the same time, she makes a note in the back of her mind that Camila has yet to  _deny_ Lauren's suspicions,  _so... Anyway_ , mainly to avoid Camila's stare, she says to Dinah, "But this doesn't mean I'm conceding to you. Lucy's just  _Lucy_ , she's not 532. 532 probably doesn't even  _really_ exist."

Dinah just scoffs. " _Some_ one's trying to save face."

"Am not-"

"I'm just going to stop the two of you before we get into another one of  _those,_ " Normani cuts in, shooting a look towards Ally and Camila who averts their gazes. "Why don't you just  _ask_ Lucy if she's 532 and we can end this idiocy- because  _I_ personally think this has gone on for far too long."

_Normani Kordei Hamilton: the only logical one._

Dinah shoots her a look, quirks her brow. "If you're so sure I'm wrong, then there's no harm in asking her." Dinah's logic is unflawed and Lauren  _hates_ it.

Plus, the thing about Lauren is that she  _never_ backs away from a challenge.  _Ever._ So, it's really no surprise when she caves.

"Done," she decides. "It's a deal."

 

The deal doesn't really get executed  _immediately,_ per se. Lauren's been  _maybe_ putting it off for a while.

There have been many an opportunity for her to ask, between their quiet moments in bed together and during dinners and during the walks back from lectures, the occasion is frequent. It isn't that she thinks Dinah's going to prove her wrong, but she doesn't quite know how to bring it up. Then, there's the whole issue of what  _if_ it  _is_ Lucy?  _(Though there still remains that small part of her that's maybe kind of a lot convinced that 532 and Camila are one in the same, but-)_  Like,  _yay?_ The person she's currently dating is one she's kind of been searching for? That's a good thing, right? But Lauren isn't sure- she just- _why the fuck did Normani tag her in that post all those months ago in the first place?_

She prolongs and elongates the process, ignoring Dinah's pesters to just do it and shoots down every one of Dinah's offers to ask Lucy for her instead.

It doesn't stop Dinah from prodding herself though. She drops hints in front of Lucy, asks her not-so subtle questions  _("Do you use Facebook a lot?", "Do you ever study in the library?")_ and Lauren isn't sure how many times she smacks her forehead into her hand at Dinah's transparency.

It earns Dinah a punch to her arm the moment Lucy takes her leave from their night in, and as per usual, she looks completely unapologetic, instead, just moving on to grabbing the drinks from her room, calling out for a  _'bonding sesh!'._

The _bonding session_ comes in the form of a  _Truth or Dare_ game, Camila groaning about how she thought she avoided all chances of being caught in such  _'immaturity'_ by staying away from high school parties. She whines about how the game always get too sexual, too fast for no good reason with a frown on her lips and Lauren just grins at it because as valid as her point is- she looks too damn cute for her words to be taken seriously.

(Still, she plays because Camila's just  _Camila_ and she'd never want to ruin anyone else's fun, and  _damn, can the girl be any more selfless?)_

They warm up with two rounds of shots, a hint of a buzz coursing through their veins.

_"Truth or dare."_

"Dare," Dinah answers without a second's thought because she's-  _well, Dinah Jane._

And Camila, surprising them all, dares her to do a lap dance on poor Ally who looks like she'd rather be anywhere else than under Dinah as she grinds exaggeratedly on her. But about ten seconds into it, Lauren notices Ally loosening up, the rest of the girls cheering as her hands find themselves on Dinah's waist to aid the movement along, and with that, it seems like they're in for a night full of surprises.

Normani picks truth,  _thinking_ it was the safest bet, but when Lauren asks her what's the kinkiest thing she's ever done in bed, all of them can  _see_ the regret over not choosing a dare instead that flashes over her face.

(It's butt stuff, they find out. Ally stays curiously quiet, Lauren stifles her laughter while Camila breaks out into uncontrollable giggles, and Dinah,  _well_ , Dinah just looks somewhat proud.)

When it comes to Lauren, she goes for a dare, because  _why the fuck not?_ But then Dinah dares her to ask Lucy if she's 532 and  _that's why the fuck not._ So, Lauren does the only logical thing - she lets her pride slip, and she opts out and takes a shot instead, earning a disappointed look from Dinah and a chorus of drunken  _'you're lame!'s_ by the others.

By Ally's turn, she's dared to send a nude to Troy -  _'right here, right now'_  Dinah adds with a smirk - and she doesn't even argue before she twists around, lifts her shirt up, and a clicking sound of the camera later, she turns back with a  _'done'_ on her lips and the rest of them are too stunned to properly react.

"Truth or dare?" Normani asks and all eyes are on Camila.

 _"Um,"_ she starts, seeming to consider her options with how she bites at her bottom lip. "Truth," she ultimately decides and Dinah groans out a long and exaggerated  _'boooring!'_ that Normani waves off before she asks:

"What were your first impressions of all of us?"

This time, Ally joins Dinah in calling out a  _'boring!'_ that Normani rolls her eyes at. Ignoring them, Camila starts, "For Dinah, I saw her for the first time at the slam and you were with Daniel and you came over to me after and just told me how much you loved my poems, but I was kinda busy with everyone else, so I could only say 'thank you' before I was dragged off elsewhere," she recounts, "But I remember thinking,  _'wow, she's about the tallest person ever'_ and that you were  _really_ genuine with your compliments because I'm pretty sure you said:  _'That was so fucking good- like wow'._ "

The others laugh at that, Dinah pulling Camila into a side hug, " _Bish,_ you slayed me with your words and that little Cuban booty."

Camila flushes red at that, before continuing, "Then when I saw you at the library and got a  _proper_ look at you, I was just like...  _damn."_

"And  _that's_ why you're my fave," Dinah grins wide.

Pressing a kiss to Dinah's cheek, she then turns towards Normani, "Then  _you_ ," she begins and Normani already smirks at that. "In the library that first day- I just looked at you and I was  _instantly_ jealous- like you're this goddess straight from the heavens and then you started talking to me and you were  _nice, too?_ And I just thought no way you can be nice and beautiful and like when I found out you could dance too- I just low-key hated you."

 _"Awww, Mila,"_ Mani coos, "I don't think I've ever felt flattered over someone hating me."

Camila shines her award-winning grin Normani's way. Then, with a softer grin she turns towards Lauren, "And you."

 _"God_ , you must've thought I was  _so_ stuck up that first day we met. I didn't even talk to you at all," Lauren remembers, blushing at her past idiocy.

 _"Actually,"_  Camila starts, "I noticed you before that," she reveals and Lauren furrows her brow, trying to think of when else she'd seen Camila but comes up blank,  _sure_ that if she's met her before, she'd remember. "I was just about to head into the library when I caught you outside on the phone, and you were in all black, in this way too-oversized hoodie and your boots and you had a cigarette in your hand but you were  _so_ into your phone call that you weren't even smoking it. And I just remembered your eyes being so beautiful yet wild at the same time, and your hair was this  _gorgeous_ mess that you were running your fingers through and I just thought  _'damn'._ And like-  _totally not in a creepy way,_ I kind of caught a bit of your conversation and I just heard you yelling about  _Florida_ and  _Trump_ and how you couldn't  _believe_ what happened, then you started ranting in Spanish, and I swear I started drooling right there and then."

Lauren barely has the time to process for herself what Camila says when Dinah lets out an  _'Aw damnnnn, son! Mila was thirstin' for that Cuban ass!'_ and when the gears finally  _do_ shift in Lauren's head, she finds Camila flushing in bright red, her eyes downcast as she too seems to realise what she'd said.

Trying to make light of the situation, Lauren jokes, "Well, I  _am_ like the hottest girl on campus," which elicits three indignant  _'Hey!'s_ from Dinah, Normani and Ally, shooting Lauren dirty stares that she ignores with a playful smile and twinkling eyes that she sends Camila's way.

"Do me, do me!" Ally's voice cuts through the moment, her words beginning to slur already.

 _"Right,"_ she coughs up, trying to regain herself with the shake of her head, "I met you on the first day and you were in our room, already unpacked and decorating your walls even though we'd like only  _just_ got there." Her voice is slow and soft as she collects herself but once she does, there's a tender smile in her eyes as she looks at Ally, continuing to say, "and I remember just thinking,  _'this person is about the cutest thing in the world'_ and you introduced yourself to me by engulfing me in a hug and rambled on about yourself I knew that I'd love you. Come two terms later and you're the best friend I could never even have dreamed of."

Her previous admission seems to be momentarily forgotten  _(by everyone else besides Lauren, that is)_ as the other three girls coo at that, and Lauren's  _almost_ sure that Ally's tearing up a bit.

They seem to have moved on from it, and so Lauren doesn't comment much more, but she notices how Camila doesn't ever look her way for the rest of the night, notices the little blush that rises on her cheeks.

The game continues anyway with rounds of Dinah making a fool of herself with ridiculous dares and the rest spilling truths they'd rather had not revealed.  _(Lauren doesn't think she'll ever look at Ally as the same angel Lauren thought she was after a few too many admissions.)_

Each of the girls leave that night on slightly wobbly knees, breaths reeking of alcohol and some, more embarrassed than others.

Lauren's head is in a mess. With the mix of cheap shots and even cheaper weed she'd smoked up with some guys from her dorm, her thoughts are a jumble of incoherencies. She falls asleep with a dopey smile on her face, thinking of brown eyes, brunette hair and soft smiles.

 

She wakes up with a pounding head, cotton mouth, and Camila's name on her lips.

The first thing she does -  _after lots of water and some Advil -_ is call Normani.

 

"Say something."

Normani looks at her thoughtfully, tugging her bottom lip with her teeth, arms crossed as her brows are pressed in a furrow.

 _"Mani,"_ Lauren whines. She needs some Normani-wisdom right now, but with the other woman just frozen after everything she's told her, Lauren's beginning to think her case is a lost cause.

She watches as Normani  _finally_ takes a seat on the edge of Lauren's bed, letting out a breath. The look in her eyes are enough to tell Lauren that the gears are turning in her head.

"So," Normani starts at last, "You're telling me that you really like Lucy, yeah?" she asks and Lauren confirms with a sure nod, "But you  _also_ might be crushing on Mila at the same time?" This time her nod is a little less confident, but she confirms what Normani asks anyway. Normani seems careful with what she wants to say, her words cautious and tentative. "It's just a little crush, right?" she prods, and there's something in her voice that Lauren can't quite decipher, but she  _trusts_ Normani, and doesn't suspect anything.

"I mean- it's clear my feelings for Lucy are a lot stronger," Lauren tells her and she  _swears_ she sees Normani's face fall at that. "She makes me smile and laugh and I hate seeing her sad and when she's happy, I'm just- I get  _so_ filled with joy at that sight. And she's so  _good_ , you know? Like, everything she does is so sincere, and she's just so...  _good_."

"Damn, that's a lot" Normani comments, "Then what do you feel for Camila?"

Lauren frowns. "I  _was_  talking about Camila."

There's a light that brightens in Normani's eyes at that. "Oh..." she trails off, "Then, what do you feel for Lucy?"

"Um," Lauren's frown deepens. "She's funny and smart and really pretty and she's like- a  _really_ good kisser, among other things-" Normani scrunches her nose at this, "-and,  _yeah_."

 _"Yeah,"_ Normani nods,  _"Totally_ seems like you feel for Lucy  _a lot_  more," she says, unbothered to mask her sarcasm.

Lauren mutters a half-hearted, _"Shut up,"_ knowing she doesn't have much to argue for. "So, what're you going to do?" Normani asks, a sympathetic smile on her lips seeing Lauren hug herself tight in insecurity.

"I don't know," she murmurs, eyes falling to her feet.

"I think you  _do_  know what you need to do," she hears Normani's voice say softly. Lauren hates that she does.

 

It should be easy. They've only been dating for just about two months. Two months isn't  _much_. It's  _something,_ but it isn't  _much._

They're in  _college -_ it's normal for people to get together and break up, right? All about experimenting and having fun, right?

But as much as she reassures herself that this  _is_  the best course of action for  _everyone_ involved, she still finds herself reluctant to knock on Lucy's door. She's been standing outside her room for the past five minutes, muttering reasons why she  _should_ do this to herself, surely looking deranged to a third person.

Just as she's finally grown the courage to raise her arm to knock, the door swings open before her knuckles can touch wood.

"Hey, babe!" Lucy greets her, a tinge of surprise in her voice, but she's mostly happy to see Lauren.

Lauren adds that into reasons why she  _shouldn't_ go through with this in the back of her mind as she forces on a smile.

"You headed somewhere?" she asks, but Lucy shakes her head.

"Nah," she answers, "Was just going to boil some water in the kitchen," Lucy tells her, "Come in," she pulls Lauren into her room, "I'll just be a minute."

With that, Lucy disappears behind the door, Lauren standing alone in her room as her mind races to deciding what she's going to do once Lucy returns.

She backs up against Lucy's bed, her calves hitting the side of the mattress before she settles on the edge of it.

Lucy's a  _good_ girlfriend. They have fun, they have good conversation and they have  _very_ good sex -  _what more could she ask for?_

 _Sure,_ when Lucy smiles, her stomach doesn't clench or do somersaults or jump at the sight of it, or when she laughs, it doesn't make Lauren's insides go all gooey. When she sings, her voice doesn't trap Lauren between her words, doesn't pull her into a trance that's surrounded by lyrics and beautiful melodies. When Lucy pulls her hand in hers, Lauren's skin doesn't burn, her every nerve ending doesn't respond to Lucy's touch, but-but she's a  _good_ girlfriend. She's comfortable.

Her phone chimes in her back pocket, and when she slips it out from under her ass, she finds a message from Normani  _(among some notifications of Camila tagging her in memes that Lauren can't help but grin at)._

 _don't overthink it,_ is all Normani writes, and that's enough for Lauren to catch her breath. She pushes her thoughts aside, shakes it away as she squeezes her eyes shut.

When her eyes reopen, she allows herself to take in her surroundings, gaze caught on the few details that lets her into Lucy's psyche. Like the several candles she has placed all over her room, or the pot with the bright green plant in the corner with a sheet stuck behind it, words reading  _'Don't forget to water me! - Lola'_ in block print that Lauren can't help but smile at, or the pin board that's filled up with various photographs that Lauren knows Lucy took all on her own, or the  _The 1975_ poster that-

_Hold the fuck up._

"-I took so long. Kelsie could  _not_ stop talking and I just couldn't get away- _Laur?"_ she hears her name being called and that's when Lauren manages to rip her eyes away from the album cover that hangs on the wall by Lucy's closet. When her gaze meets Lucy's, brown eyes looking concerned as she holds a steaming maroon cup, Lauren wonders how the  _hell_ she hadn't noticed it before.

_(She knows that answer to that is that when she's in Lucy's room, her attention is usually trained on taking clothes off, not surveying her room, so, like-)_

"You okay, babe?" Lucy asks, setting her cup down before she moves to sit next to Lauren.

Her mind runs at a million thoughts per minute and she's reconsidering everything now, but before she decides on anything, she  _needs_ to know. So, ripping the band aid, she asks,

"Are you 532?"

Lucy's head jerks back, eyebrows pressed into a frown. "Am I  _what?"_

It almost deters her. She could cop out here, just brush it off, but the ball's rolling, the momentum's going and Lauren continues on, "532," she repeats, "Are you my UCLA Crush?"

Something changes in Lucy's eyes then, a certain...  _recognition_ of some sort and-

 _"What? No!"_ she answers, shaking her head profusely, and Lauren lets out a long breath.

 _Okay,_ she tells herself.  _Rip off the second layer of the band aid,_ she encourages herself. She can  _do_ this.  _Just tell Lucy that things aren't working out and she might have feelings for someone else and that she doesn't want to drag her along or lead her on or-_

 _"Wait-"_  Lucy cuts her thoughts short, an anxious look on her face. "Okay," she starts tentatively, "so,  _maybe_ 532 and I are the same person."

"Maybe?" she hears herself ask, thrown off-kilter by Lucy's sudden words, feeling separate from her own body as she watches the interaction from elsewhere.

"Okay," she lets out a breath, "532 and I  _are_ the same person."

Well,  _fuck._ The band aid's not going to rip so easily now.


	4. part four

Finals approach and with that, Lauren falls into the unhealthy cycle of a stressed out college student.

She pulls all-nighters reading over whatever her eyes can read only to sleep during odd hours of the day. Her diet consists mainly of ramen, coffee and red bull, and she's almost sure that she's losing more and more hair each day.

Between waking up and scavenging the library for a seat, her days don't amount to much more than cramming the last few case studies.

She starts the day off badly. Waking up past her intended time  _\- which isn't even that early_ \- she finally makes her way towards the main library by four.

Each of the girls have their own schedules with their exams beckoning. Camila's either in her room studying Lit or with her Music friends. Ally's sought solace in Troy's apartment while Normani goes for a more  _rom-com possibility_ approach, choosing instead to study in little  _hipster_ cafés save for the fact that she's stressing out too much to even check anyone out.

Besides Lauren, Dinah's the only other one that stays loyal to the library.

For now, Lauren's frowning down at her phone, trying to follow the directions she'd received to find her saved seat, proving harder than should be.

She's on her second round of searches of the ground floor when she  _finally_ spots her, brown hair tied up in a messy bun sitting in the corner table.

"Only took you like, an  _hour,"_ she greets with a playful sarcasm before she moves her bag off the chair next to her for Lauren to settle there.

Lauren refrains from the  _'Shut up',_ on her tongue as she pulls her into a side hug as a greeting. "Had a long night," Lauren groans as her explanation.

 _"Mhm,"_ she hums, "Now, can we or can we not go over each other's notes? Because I'm  _really_ behind on  _regionalism_ shit."

As much as Lauren wants to retort something sassy, their paper is less than a week away and she doesn't quite have the energy to muster something smart up, so instead, she just hands Lucy her notebook that she pulls from her bag, mutters for her to  _'turn to the page with the pink tab'._

Lauren reads over Lucy's notes while she does the same.

They've both come to an agreement to split the topics between each other, then to exchange notes to save both their time and their brains from going into overdrive. 

Before she knows it, she's revised two and a half chapters and it's five hours later.

"I'm going to eat something with the girls," Lucy tells her, "I'll see you tomorrow?" she asks as she packs up her things.

Lauren's already so defeated she barely musters a nod before Lucy flashes her a lazy smile and bids a  _'see ya, Laur,'_ before she heads off.

She lets her head rest for all of three full seconds when her name's being heard again.

_"Yo, Lauser!"_

It's Dinah's boisterous voice, uncaring of the fact that at least a dozen tired, but glaring eyes stare her way as she moves towards where Lauren is.

She plops herself and her books down unceremoniously in the now-vacant spot next to her before eventually slumping against Lauren and mumbling out an  _'I'm so beat,'_ that Lauren can definitely relate to.

Dinah was in a study group earlier, she tells Lauren, complaining about how incompetent some of them are, but how she didn't have a choice because they're the only people Dinah knows from the module.

Eventually, Dinah mentions, "Oh yeah- bumped into your girl on the way in."

Lauren cringes at that before she groans. "I told you," she starts, closing one textbook to grab another from the stacked pile between her and Dinah, "We broke up."

Dinah only shrugs. "For as long as you don't tell me  _why_ y'all called it quits, I'm going to keep referring to her as  _your girl_ just to piss you off."

Lauren rolls her eyes.

They've been broken up for over a week now and  _still_ Dinah's been adamant on doing this, and  _yeah_ , it would be easy to just  _tell_ her  _why_ they broke up, but... Lauren's not ready to admit that Dinah was right and that she was, well...  _wrong_.

"I'll buy you  _proper_ food for all of tomorrow if you tell me."

 _Would you look at that? Maybe she_ is  _ready._

"Fine," Lauren finally agrees, though making sure to put on a look as though she had to consider the offer.  _(Because, let's be real - no one has to consider_ anything  _when free food is up for grabs.)_  

Dinah quirks a brow at her, waiting expectantly.

"She's 532," Lauren admits, a smug smile stretching across Dinah's lips the moment it's out there. She doesn't say anything though, only holds her hand out, and Lauren rolls her eyes while she reaches into her back pocket for the crumpled up ten-dollar bill that she reluctantly gives up to Dinah.

Dinah looks positively proud of herself as she smiles at the note before she shoves it into her own pocket.

"Not that I'm not happy about me being right and you being wrong - which I will never let you live down,  _by the way_ ," Dinah adds and Lauren gives her an  _'of course'_ look, not expecting anything less from Dinah. "But why'd that make you break up with her? I mean, I know you didn't think it was her, but that's kinda a shitty reason to end things."

"That's not it," Lauren shakes her head. "I wasn't bothered that it was  _her_ ," she tells Dinah slowly, who nods for Lauren to continue. "I was... I was bothered that it  _wasn't_   _Camila_ ," she admits reluctantly.

"That's such a stupid reaso-"

 _"No,"_ Lauren presses, shakes her head again, and  _wow,_ finals must really be getting to Dinah because she's  _really_ not getting it. "I broke up with Lucy because I  _wanted_ it to be Ca-"

 _"Oh my God!"_ It  _finally_ clicks as Dinah's eyes brighten with understanding, her jaw falling in shock and surprise.

"And," Lauren continues, "It didn't feel right to be with Lucy when I realised I had feelings for someone else..." she trails off, hoping that Dinah would say something to fill up the silence. As usual, Dinah pulls through.

 _"Oh- my- God!"_ she hits Lauren's arm between each word, excitement evident with each punch she lands on Lauren's now probably bruising flesh.

Dinah rants and raves on about how  _perfect_ this is- how she's been  _low-key shipping it from the start_  and Lauren has to shoot apologetic looks to the people around them.

 _"Fuck yes!"_ Dinah cheers, and Lauren's almost tempted to sink into her chair with how everyone judges them. "Now Ally owes me twenty! Bitch bet that you'd never get your head out of your bubble and finally admit you like Walz!"

Lauren feels kind of betrayed that Ally would bet against her, but then again... Lauren has been quite the oblivious idiot,  _so-_

"I deserve that, I guess," Lauren shrugs.

"But, just to confirm, Lucy  _is_ 532 and I won  _yet another_ bet, right?"

Lauren groans. "Yes," she frowns petulantly. "She told me and that's when I broke up with her. I just- I couldn't do that to her. And she's just- she's so  _cool,_ you know? She's still my study buddy despite everything and she's been trying to get me to talk to Camz about it and-I really do wish I felt for her stronger. It'd be a lot easier."

It  _would_  be a lot easier. Lauren really lucked out in landing Lucy, but when her heart was only half in it, she just couldn't do it.

"But you know what Camila says," Dinah starts and Lauren already knows where she's going with it, those words a constant echo in the back of her mind, " _Love shouldn't be easy."_

 

The moment her last paper ends, Lauren makes the mistake of boasting about it in the groupchat.

The mistake isn't in the fact that she's rubbing her freedom in her friends' faces while they're still stuck dreading coming papers, but it's in how she forgot that Camila too is done, and  _of course_ that ropes her into a whole other thing.

"Let's go jogging!" Camila suggests and Lauren already groans simply at the thought of it.

Camila reasons that they've been  _so unhealthy_ lately and that they need to get off their asses after the past few weeks of eating instant foods and sitting at the same spots for hours on end.

See, Lauren doesn't  _mind_ working out, but it's not the first thing she  _aches_  to do the moment she reclaims her freedom. She was thinking more catching up on sleep or getting shitfaced -  _or anything in between that really_  - just  _not_ being  _healthy._

But seeing as the rest of the girls still have their finals, and that they might not even be willing to hang out with her anymore after her little boasting session, she doesn't seem to have that many other options.

So, she agrees.

(It's also because Camila could say  _'jump'_ and Lauren would ask  _'how high?'_ -  _but that's like, besides the point.)_

She's out of breath by not even the halfway point and maybe Camila was right in making Lauren start exercising again.

When Camila's satisfied, coming to a halt when they reach the end of the path, Lauren's doubled over, resting with her hands on her knees as she pants, catching her breath. 

"Since when were you  _fit?"_ Lauren grits out between breaths.

Camila just shrugs, light smile shining Lauren's way.

Her sweat glistens on her skin, giving her tan tint a bronze glow. With her hair tied up, with random parts of her fringe sticking to forehead, Lauren doesn't think she's seen anyone look more radiant than Camila does now.

She doesn't even realise it, but they're already headed back towards the dorms, only notices their path when Camila's voice breaks her out of her own head.

She asks about finals and Lauren tells her that she's surprisingly confident with her essays. In turn, Camila tells her that she's proud of her own final composition and that the analysis she'd written for her Lit paper  _'will totally blow the examiners away'._

Lauren can't help but grin at Camila's playfulness. She has the tendency of lighting up Lauren's day with even the smallest things. It can be a corny joke or a shitty pick up line or even her very smile, but whatever it is, Lauren finds herself feeling so much lighter after any moment she spends with Camila.

"You looking forward to summer?" Lauren asks a little later when they're almost halfway back.

Camila simply shrugs. "I miss Sofi, but I'm  _really_ going to miss being with you and the girls, you know? And going back means family stress and I'm not ready for that," she adds after, and Lauren's almost shocked Camila had let that last part slip.

From the look on Camila's face, she doesn't want to delve any deeper into it, and as much as Lauren  _itches_  to know, she doesn't push.

"Did you  _really_  think I'd let you spend summer peacefully without me?" she says instead, giving Camila an incredulous look and it earns her a breaking smile on Camila's pink lips.

Lauren's tempted to kiss it away.

She doesn't, though.

She just mirrors Camila's grin and bumps her shoulder against Camila's as they continue walking.

When they reach the part of the road where they take different paths, Camila's the one to pull her into a hug. Lauren finds herself smiling into it despite the stickiness of their sweat-slicked bodies.

"You're coming to the party on Friday, right?" Lauren asks as she draws away from the embrace and despite the pout on her lips, she nods, and Lauren already knows that Dinah must've coerced her to come.

"Okay," she smiles through the word, almost excited over the simple fact. "I'll see you then, Camz," she says as she bids her farewell.

Camila repeats the sentiment, a soft curve coming to the corners of her lips.

They part ways, but Lauren walks slow, just enough to watch Camila leave, and almost as she can't help herself, she hears her own voice yell out, "Your ass looks amazing in those shorts, by the way!" completely shamelessly and uncaring of the strangers who laugh along to her comment.

Even from the distance between them, Lauren sees how Camila's jaw drops, sees how her cheeks flush red.

She simply flashes Camila a bright grin before turning and heading towards her dorm.

Lauren finds herself smiling all the way home.

 

Summer comes, but  _'summer vibes'_ don't.

None of her high school friends are back for the holidays, and besides Camila, the only other person she could ever see herself hanging out with in Miami is Lucy, and well...  _she doesn't quite want to hang with her ex-girlfriend all through summer after dumping her with the confession that she_ may  _have feelings for her best friend._

But she doesn't even see Camila as much as she wants to. Of course, the sudden distance between her and Camila has to come when she's  _finally_ realised her feelings for the other girl are more than just friendly, because Lauren's just  _that_ good at timing.

For the first few weeks, they meet for infrequent dinners, all of Lauren's other proposals to go out or to hang are blown off by ' _i'm kinda tired, laur'_ and  _'i think i might be busy, sorry :/'_ texts.

Lauren's frown only deepens when she hears from Normani that Camila's been avoiding Ally's Skype calls too.

It's the end of the first month of summer when she's in the middle of dinner with her family that her phone rings, and while she'd never pick up her phone at the dining table, when her eyes read  _camz_ flashing across her screen, a completely unflattering picture of the woman in question as its background, she darts up, and in a flash, she's in the kitchen, sliding her thumb across the screen before she puts her phone to her ear.

"Hey!" she greets, cringing at how obviously  _eager_ she sounds.

If Camila's bothered by it, she doesn't say. Instead, she asks,  _"How good are you with a bat?"_

Lauren's brows furrow at that. She wonders if she should be worried. Camila's MIA for days, edging into a week, and the next thing she knows, the girl's calling her up asking about her batting skills. If Lauren didn't know Camila well enough to know that she could never even hurt a damn fly, she might've started getting suspicious.

Instead, she answers, "I played softball all through high school."

She hears Camila let out a laugh, thinks she might've heard her mutter something about  _'clichés and stereotypes'_ under her breath, but Lauren doesn't have the time to really think of that when Camila says,  _"Great, meet me by University Park in about half an hour. I'll send you the location,"_ and before Lauren can even question it, the line goes dead.

Lauren stares blankly at her darkened screen, slightly affronted with Camila's demand, but who's she kidding? She's already grabbing her keys and headed towards her car, calling out a  _'gotta go!'_ to her family.

Following Camila's text, she finds herself sitting in her car in an almost-empty carpark. If she didn't trust Camila with her life, she'd maybe feel threatened that this whole thing was a ploy for Camila to lead Lauren towards her inevitable death.

The knock at her window nearly makes her skin jump right off her very bones, but when she's met with Camila's face, a soft smile on her lips as she gestures for Lauren to come out, she feels herself calm down.

 _(Not true. She actually feels her heartbeat double at the sight of the Latina, but she's not going to admit_ that.)

"Do I want to ask?"

Camila only shrugs, half-hearted grin playing at the corner of her lips.

She recognises the look in Camila's eyes. It's the same one from the night they took a midnight stroll to  _Carls Jr.,_ when Camila had looked so empty with her gaze dull and her words a void of emotion.

She doesn't think it's a coincidence that Camila's been acting up since she's been back home. It makes Lauren all the more curious about her family life, but she remembers Normani's words, and so she waits for Camila to choose to come to her.

She simply follows behind Camila, led into what now makes sense to be the batting cages.

It's relatively empty, but they share a cage between the two of them anyway.

Camila's full of surprises tonight it seems. Lauren doesn't expect the force behind her first swing, the echoing clink of the ball against the wood before she watches it fly across the space.

A few more swings and a couple more hits later and Camila steps back, a satisfied smile on her face that she shines at Lauren before she passes her the bat. Despite her softball history, watching Camila knock all the balls out the park, Lauren almost feels nervous for her turn.

But it's muscle memory, and while there's not as much  _heat_ behind each swing, Lauren gets some good hits in.

They go on until closing time. It's more because of Camila than anything. Lauren's basically done by the second round of balls, but she sees how Camila's shoulders are still tense, how there's still that distant look in her eyes, and so she continues without complaint until the Camila she knows and has grown to love returns.

By the end, she's back and she's more relaxed. Her smiles come more naturally and her laughter is lighter.

"Oh  _God,_ I needed that," Camila groans out as she leans back against the passenger seat of Lauren's car.

They're in the parking lot of a McDonald's, among the few cars left while drunken high school kids roam and yell about obnoxiously, Camila chewing on some nuggets while Lauren spoons her McFlurry.

Lauren's glad for it. Camila seems more at ease than she has during short dinners over the past month.

"Wanna talk about it?" Lauren asks tentatively around a spoonful of ice cream. She makes sure that Camila knows there's an out, that she doesn't need to share if she doesn't want to-

Which she apparently doesn't.

"Not really," she answers, grabbing another piece of chicken from the card box.

Lauren  _knows_ how much  _whatever's_ affecting Camila affects her. The cold shoulder treatment is so uncharacteristically Camila and Lauren almost lets her frustrations get the better of her. But Normani's words keep ringing in her ears and she hates how  _wise_ that girl is.

So, Lauren lets it go. She drives Camila home first, waits until she reaches the front door before she puts the car into drive, but observes the house carefully, thinking that maybe, just  _maybe_ if she were to be perceptive enough, the exterior will give her a better understanding of its interior.

She texts Ally about when she gets back.

Ally shares the same frustration - they both just want to make sure Camila's not  _alone_ through whatever it is she's going through, but Camila won't let any of them in, won't even allow them a peek through the cracks.

But Ally tells her to just be patient, that whatever Lauren's doing is helping already as it is. It doesn't sate Lauren, but she guesses for now, it's enough.

She sends Camila a screenshot of what she's listening to.

 ** _i'm a sucker for the way that you move, babe,_** is what she captions it. It's read almost immediately. The chat bubble with the ellipsis appears and disappears five times before it's gone entirely. Lauren frowns at that.  _Did she cross a line?_

But when she goes to Snapchat, she finds  _camilanaps_ has updated her story. When she opens it, it's of a black screen, the timestamp centred reading  _01:14AM._ Her lips curve then when she sees that under it, in finer print, is  _'you're in my blood, you're in my veins, you're in my head'._

Her grin stretches impossibly wider.

 

It continues like this for a while. Camila will be remotely  _okay_  for about three days, will come over to the Jaureguis for dinners, will go out with Lauren to watch movies, before she ultimately ghosts everyone, even disappearing off her social media. She will text Lauren half-assed excuses as to why they can't go out and Lauren's almost disheartened by it, but Dinah tells her to keep on trying. Eventually, she'll call Lauren up at random times of the day or night, and because Lauren's completely under the Cabello spell, she's at her beck and call.

It goes on like this for two more cycle until the wheel breaks.

This time, Camila's been distant for what's almost two and a half weeks and Lauren isn't going to lie in saying she didn't achingly miss the other girl. When Camila's voice sounds through the other end of the line, it's harder than usual, greeting Lauren with an emotionless ' _Meet me there in fifteen minutes. Please.'_

Lauren doesn't miss it when she hears the last word shake then shatter.

She arrives ten minutes later. She worries for every second of the next five. Up until this point, she was more preoccupied in getting here as soon as she could to think about it. Now that she's sitting alone waiting for Camila, all her thoughts are filled with the girl she's waiting on.

She bites at her lip anxiously, picks at her cuticles, wondering what she's walking into. She expects for Camila to be cold and distant like she usually is, expects for her to drain herself through each swing of hers, expects for her breathing to calm down by the end of the session.

She doesn't expect for Camila to show up, barely glancing Lauren's way - though still acknowledging her presence with a short nod she sends to her - before she heads for the entrance, only to be halted by the employee there, telling her they don't let new people in during the last 15 minutes before closing time. She doesn't expect for how Camila raises her voice - _only slightly though_ \- before she huffs out frustrated as she storms away, swearing under her breath and moving to kick at her own car tire. Then, when Lauren offers for Camila to come with her -  _"I've still got my old softball bat at home and a bunch of shit we can hit in the garage if you want"_ \- she doesn't expect for the utter destruction Camila wreaks.

 _"Camz!"_ Lauren hisses out, but her voice is drowned by the sound of the bat smashing against a beat up chair that's been in the Jauregui's garage for years -  _beaten into oblivion with Lauren's permission, of course._

But there's a terrifying rage in each of Camila's swings, the force of it cutting through the cool night air before the inevitable cracking of wood sounds out.

Lauren's more worried than anything. When she's in these moods, Camila's  _different_ , but now... now, she's  _unrecognizable_.

 _"Camila!"_ Lauren snaps out, snatching the bat out of Camila's hold and tossing it aside, her arms quick to wrap themselves around Camila's tense body. It's a bit of a struggle with Camila resisting her hold, but Lauren doesn't let go and eventually, Camila gives in, body slumping into her, falling into her. But Lauren's got her,  _she's got her,_ she reassures into Camila's ear over and over again until the other girl believes it _._

Camila's shaking, she realises. Her body shakes and shivers almost violently as sobs rack her chest.

 _"I fucking hate him,"_ she seethes, pure and unadulterated loathing laced between each word.  _"He's such a- I fucking hate-"_

Camila's words barely form a coherent sentence, her breathing too laboured, her bones still shivering.

She goes on like that for a while, sobbing out swears and words of hate. Lauren continues holding her tightly still, rubs her thumb in soothing circles over Camila's cold skin, whispers  _'breathe, baby - please just breathe,'_ repeatedly until Camila finally calms.

When the sobs become less frequent, when Camila's bones stop shaking, when her breathing slows down, Lauren's hold loosens.

But as she begins to let go, Camila quick turning in Lauren's arms only for her to crash right back into her. Her face settles in the crook of Lauren's neck and she doesn't even spare a second thought before she's wrapping her arms around Camila once more. She rubs her hand up and down the length of Camila's spine and she swears she can feel every emotion coursing through Camila under the heat of her palm.

Her hair is damp and her shirt's soaked but Lauren couldn't care less. All she cares about now -  _all she cares about ever -_ is Camila.

 _"Camz,"_ Lauren's voice says above the sound of silent tears and distant whirrs of neighbouring cars. "Talk to me,  _please."_ She doesn't bother masking her worry. Camila  _needs_ to know how much she cares for her.

"I- I can't." Her words are shaky, evident that she's been crying for the better half of the past hour.

She pulls Camila away from her, forcing for Camila to look at her. When she does, she sees the broken look in her eyes, how fatigue seems to be a permanent resident there and she decides she's not going to listen to Normani anymore. "Please," she repeats. "If you won't do it for you," Lauren starts, Camila already shaking her head, but Lauren _knows_ Camila, and she knows how selfless the girl is, knows that she'd much rather please others than help herself. So, she asks, "do it for me. It's  _killing_ me watching you like this," Lauren tells her and Camila looks back up at her,  _really looks at her_. "It hurts to see you like this."

She witnesses the dilemma happening in Camila's brain, how the debate must be going on right in this very moment with how her pupils flit around, with how she bites her shivering lip. 

Lauren's almost worried her plan doesn't work, but she seems to forget that the moment it's for someone besides herself, Camila would do  _anything._

And she agrees. "Can we go elsewhere?" 

 

She leads Camila into her house and up the stairs towards her room. Her mother catches them as they walk down the corridor, a lecture already on her tongue, but when she sees Camila like she is, she seems to understand. Lauren mouths an  _'I'll explain'_ but her mother just sends her a rueful smile before she shuts the bedroom door behind her.

When they're in Lauren's room, left to their own privacy, Camila shifts awkwardly in the middle of her room. She seems to take in her surroundings, eyeing the little bits of the room that gives her an insight into pre-college Lauren. She leads her to the bed, gestures for Camila to settle against the pillows and she does, sitting cross-legged with her back against them.

Lauren mirrors her, but Camila's body is too rigid, too tense and Lauren hates it.

So, she does what's natural and she tugs Camila into her, pulls her by her waist for her to fall against her mattress, her head cushioned by Lauren's thigh. Her left hand stays by Camila's waist, thumb drawing patterns into smooth skin, and the other comes to her hair, fingers playing with the soft strands.

"Talk to me."

And she does.

Unsurprisingly, it's about her parents. Her father, specifically. Lauren had suspected as much - she was perceptive to how Camila only talked about Sinu and Sofi; how when she joined the Jaureguis for dinner, she'd watched her parents bickering with such a soft longing in her eyes; how she refers to Sinu as  _'mom',_ while on the rare occasion that she does mention Alejandro, it's  _'father',_ her voice uncharacteristically hard at the word. 

 _He left us,_ she says. But not really, no. It started with an _other woman._ Camila recalls through teary words how her mother had asked for a divorce right there and then when she'd caught him, and despite the pain, the hurt and the utter betrayal that spread right through a fourteen year-old Camila, blooming from her chest to the rest of her body, she'd been  _so_  proud of her mother for standing up for them, for standing up for  _herself_ like that.

But come a week later, when he'd come knocking on their door with empty apologies and a void of promises, she opened the doors for him, coffee and tea waiting inside.

The door never seemed to close, not even after he continued his routine of coming home only three nights a week.

"And she lets him in  _each_  time." There's a resentment in Camila's voice as she grits the words out. All Lauren can do now is be there and listen, providing comfort in the form of her fingers combing through Camila's brunette locks.

She explains that her mother won't ever fight back, will settle for being a part-time wife and that Sofi is too young to understand that fathers  _are_  supposed to be there seven days a week.

"I love her so much," Camila tells her and Lauren wipes the tear that falls with a swipe of her thumb, "But I  _hate_ how she  _still_ looks at him like he's her hero. She doesn't know that when I picked her up at school on  _his_ day, it was because he was in the hospital holding his new-born daughter, swearing he wouldn't fuck her up like he did with me, not because I just wanted to surprise her. She doesn't know all the  _shit_  he put me through, and I hope she never does."

"You know, she tried to kill herself," Camila continues and Lauren's heart drops to her stomach. "I was sixteen, in high school, and I had to wrestle a revolver out of my own mother's hands. I had a test the next day and that was the first time I failed a paper."

Camila must feel Lauren freeze against her, because she continues with a, "It only happened once. I had to hide the gun, but it only happened once."

The sheer nonchalance in her voice irks Lauren. She's talking about her mother trying to take her own life, and she plays it off like it probably didn't scar her emotionally. While Lauren isn't a fan of  _hating_ people she doesn't know, she fucking  _loathes_ Camila's father.

"He keeps on holding money over me too," she goes on as if Lauren doesn't have enough reasons to just track the asshole down and slap him across the face, in hopes that would wake him into realising how much of the world his daughter deserves. "He's never failed to remind me that he pays for my education. You know, I would've been fine getting a student loan, but he  _insisted._ If I'd known he'd hold that over me, I wouldn't have agreed."

"Is that why you're working yourself to the bone with all these double shifts?"

"If he ever decides to pull the funding, I need to be able to finish my degree, or at least be able to support my mom and Sofi."

Just as Lauren thinks her list of  _why Camila Cabello deserves the godamn world and then some_ is finally complete, she finds yet another thing to add to it.

 _"Camz,"_ she all but whispers, forcing Camila up and making her face her. "If you ever need any help, with  _anything_  - money, Sofi,  _anything,"_ she repeats, "I'm always here, okay? Hell, my whole family's here for you, okay?"

She recognises the  _'it's okay, I'm okay'_ that's threatening to fall from Camila's lips already, but she seems to think better of it and nods instead. Lauren's not convinced, but she's not going to push either.

"He doesn't deserve you," she tells her, hand on each of Camila's arms, grip tight hoping she can  _squeeze_ the words into her to convince Camila. "You're  _so_ amazing, Camila - you have no idea. You're this- you're just so perfect and you deserve to have only good things and  _he_ doesn't deserve you. You've gone through so much and you still manage to smile through every day, you still manage to crack me up with your stupid jokes, you still brighten every damn room you walk into- _you're amazing, Camz."_

That's when she sees it. The little shift in how Camila's eyes dart towards Lauren's lips just about the same time she eyes Camila's. It'd be easy to lean in right now, coax comfort through lips on lips. But Lauren  _wants_ this and she wants to do it right. She doesn't want to start anything with Camila when her emotions are drowning her. She's not going to take advantage of her vulnerability despite how tempted she is to just lean in and capture Camila's kiss for herself.

She doesn't do that. What she does do is she cups Camila's jaw in her hands, pulls her in slow and close, tipping her own chin up as she presses the gentlest touch of her lips to Camila's forehead. It's innocent and platonic but Lauren feels the tingle in her lips, feels how her hands were just made to hold Camila.

She doesn't even notice that her eyes had fallen close until she sees how Camila's eyes flutter open at the same time Lauren's do.

Lauren swears she's never felt love before -  _real_ love. She's never felt those novel-worthy flutters in her stomach, never experienced the firework-inducing feeling. But when their gazes meet, watery brown eyes staring softly into emerald ones, Lauren rethinks the whole thing.

She thinks back to that day on the beach, remembering the flip in her stomach as Camila had said something or the other, remembers the electricity that had run through her at the feel of Camila's hand in hers, their fingers intertwined as she led Lauren all through her  _own_ city. She remembers hearing Camila's singing voice for the first time, thinks about how her insides had all but become goo at the sound of it and she's never been so eager to admit that she was wrong. 

 

That night, she holds Camila in slumber, her arms circled loosely around the younger woman, their bodies fitting perfectly with each other and Lauren's reminded of Tetris blocks that fall right into place.

The next morning when they wake, Camila's eyes are puffy and her voice is hoarse. Lauren barely has time to offer Camila breakfast before a text lights up her phone, wiping away the lazy morning smile she was wearing.

Flashing the screen Lauren's way, she vaguely sees a message from  _'mami'_ with the dancing woman in red emoji next to the name, something about  _picking up groceries_  under the time that reads  _12:31PM._

Camila leaves then, but not with Lauren pulling her in for a hug, not without her quickly pressing a kiss to her cheek, inducing that same tingling feeling.

She's smiling so widely for the rest of the day that even her father questions her about it.

For some reason, the whole day, she has  _Madness's 'It Must Be Love'_ stuck in her head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo i mighta imposed my own family drama into camila's story lmao


	5. part five.

She flies in early because flights are cheaper, but  _mostly_ because she was going out of her mind back in Miami, and  _also_  unadmittedly because she kind of can't wait to see the rest of the girls after their summer apart.

Camila had wanted to spend as much time with Sofi as she could, so her flight only comes in the weekend before classes start, and as much as Lauren  _kinda_ wanted for Camila's hand to be in hers all through their flight, she's grateful that she has some time alone with the girls so that she can update them about... well,  _Camila._

She doesn't tell them about anything that Camila told her, not about her family or anything, instead, she just tells them:

"I think I really, really like her."

Ally wears an uncontrollable grin, Normani a knowing look and Dinah straight out  _cries._

"Like, I have it  _bad,_ guys," she groans before she lets her back fall against the pillow.

They came over to help Lauren unpack and move things around, having just moved into hers and Camila's new place for the next few years. She held it in for the last couple of hours, knowing that the moment she lets the confession slip, absolutely no work would get done. Now that Lauren's room is  _kinda_ sorted out and the cat's out of the bag, Lauren feels a weight lifted off her shoulders despite how tired her muscles are from all the moving.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Dinah cries out how,  _"I've waited for this my whole life!"_  and both Lauren and Normani roll their eyes at her  _extraness_  while Ally just shines the world's brightest smile.

"What changed?" Normani's the one to ask, seeing as she's the only composed one here.

"I don't know," Lauren shrugs, pushing herself to sit up against her pillows, giving space as Normani scooches more onto the mattress closer to Dinah. "Summer... summer was really enlightening and...  _shit,"_ she curses, "she's just so amazing and kind and beautiful and I genuinely think she might just be the best person in the world –  _besides you, of course,"_  Lauren makes sure to add, turning to Ally who smiles pleased, "– and she showed me her vulnerable side and I think it just made me love her more and—" she stops her ramblings with a long sigh, concluding that, "I'm in too deep."

Ignoring Dinah's muttered,  _"That's what_ he  _said,"_ Ally's the one to coo about how she's  _so happy_  for Lauren, how she doesn't think that there's anyone else more suited for Camila than Lauren and Lauren thinks Ally might just be on the brink of tears.

"We talked," Lauren tells them, shares that Camila had opened up to her, but not whatCamila had opened up about, "and I swear, after," she continues, "we were  _going_  to kiss. I  _saw_ it- she looked at my lips like how I look at hers and I was  _this_ close to just leaning in, but— it wasn't right," she concludes, "She was in a shitty place and I couldn't do that to her."

At this point, Ally  _does_ cry.  _"This is just so perfect,"_  she manages between sobs and Normani's finding it just as amusing as Lauren is by the looks of her grin.

The discussion doesn't amount to much. It's more Ally and Dinah crying excitedly over the prospect of Camila and Lauren together, and as much as Lauren doesn't want to let it get to her head, she  _really_ likes the thought of her and Camila together.

 

It's her first night back in L.A and her first night in their new place but of course, Camila doesn't let Lauren experience that alone.

She's brushing her teeth before bed when her ringtone sounds, her room echoing with  _Chance the Rapper's Sunday Candy_ and Lauren's mild irritation of being interrupted immediately dissipates when she sees Camila's name flash across her screen.

She only realises how wide she's smiling when she sees herself in the little box in the top corner of the screen but she's more occupied with gawking at Camila's face that fills up her screen.

She's wearing a bandana to hold her hair up from curtaining her face, obvious that she too is ready for bed with her bare face, and Lauren thinks she looks ridiculously beautiful.

 _"Hi, Lauren,"_  Camila smiles, grin bright and teeth shining, her voice the cutest thing Lauren's ever had the pleasure of hearing.

"Hi, Camila," Lauren returns the sentiment, finds herself mirroring Camila's lips as well, aching to just reach out to pull Camila into her arms.

 _"How's our place?"_  Camila asks, and Lauren finds her heartbeat quickens at the sound of that.

_Our._

She recovers easily though, updates Camila on what she's done today, on the stuff she's bought for their place, reassures Camila that it's fine when she begins to feel bad about not being there to help.

That conversation only lasts a short while. Camila talks on and on about Sofi and how she's been  _extra_ clingy since Camila's time in Miami is coming to an end, and the way she goes on about her little sister really warms at Lauren. She finds herself listening intently with the gentlest curve to her lips and the softest look in her eyes.

Camila seems better since that furniture-wrecking session of theirs, and despite the lecture Lauren had received from her mother the next morning about the noise it made, Lauren's so glad for it. There isn't that vacant look in her eyes, her smiles are genuine and real, her laugh is hearty and her jokes corny, and Lauren thinks she'd take an infinite amount of scolding from her mother if it made Camila as carefree as she is now.

But Lauren's drained from moving and Camila's just as tired from her work shifts, and over an hour later, they find themselves drifting off into sleep.

The next morning, Lauren wakes up to the sight of Camila's ceiling on her phone screen, the soft and steady sound of her breathing in the background. She ends the call reluctantly when she realises she'd promised Ally to meet her for brunch, but she makes sure to text Camila a  _'_ ** _good morning, Camz xx_** _'_ after.

At half past twelve, Camila replies with a screenshot of Lauren's sleeping face while Camila's in a tiny box top corner grinning widely showing a thumbs up, captioned:  _'you're such a cutie.'_ She's glad that brunch is over and that she's not with Ally anymore because she doesn't think she could explain the furious blush that rises in her cheeks. 

 

The next day goes by slowly because  _of course_ when she  _wants_ for tomorrow to come quicker, it decides to take its goddamn time. Camila's landing tomorrow, so sue her for being excited for the day to come.

When it  _does_ arrive, Lauren feels a thrum in her bones, a spring in her step. She makes sure to order pizza at the same time Camila's flight lands so that when the food does come, it'll still be fresh for her. She's shameless about how eager she seems –  _hell, she made sure their kitchen was stocked with enough bananas for two weeks –_  but fuck that, she can't be bothered - Camila's coming and that girl deserves to be spoilt.

But when the door unlocks from the outside, just a little after the pizza girl arrives, Lauren's bright greeting is cut short with the annoyed and stoic look on Camila's face as she all but pushes in.

She doesn't need to ask when, following behind Camila is who Lauren deduces to be her father. He's a tall man, well-built and if Lauren didn't recognise similar features in their faces, she wouldn't believe that 5'4-Camila was his daughter.

So, it's on her third day back in L.A that she meets him – the man Lauren already hates with a burning passion.

She doesn't have the time to shoot daggers at him when she feels familiar arms come around her, the sweet smell of Camila mixed with something distinctly  _airplane_ invading her senses as she feels the younger woman nuzzle her face into her neck.

"I've missed you," she hears murmured in the crook of her neck and Lauren smiles to herself at the sound of that.

"Missed you too, Camz," she tells her casually, but her words drip in sincerity. "How was the flight?" she asks, and when Camila gets into it, when they begin to catch up like they weren't just texting right before Camila had taken off, the both of them seem to forget that there's a third person in the room.

"Right," Camila cuts herself off, turning her body so her back's no longer turned to Alejandro. "This is my father," Camila introduces, her voice monotonous, but it surprises Lauren how quickly her tone can change when she says, "And this is Lauren," with such a softness in her words and her smile.

Reluctantly, Lauren shakes his hand, grits out an  _'nice to meet you, sir,'_ and despite how badly she wants to crush his fingers in her hold she doesn't because she was raised to have manners.

"So, um- are you two-" he points vaguely between them, clearly uncomfortable at the thought he's trying to voice out and  _Great,_ Lauren thinks,  _He has to top his asshole-ness off with being a homophobe too._

Camila doesn't falter at his insinuation, just shrugs and says, "Would there be a problem?" with a challenging brow and Lauren can't help the smirk that comes to her lips at that. Her father shakes his head quickly and fervently, and Camila wears a satisfied smile at that.

But when he continues with- "It's just I didn't know  _this_ was what I'm paying for—" Lauren can  _feel_ the tension rise in the room.

The glare that Camila sends her father's way is deadly almost. But Lauren watches how she takes three deep breaths, how she squeezes her eyes shut before she murmurs a  _'not worth it',_ choosing to walk away instead, turning towards their little kitchen and grabbing two slices of pizza, one for Lauren and one for herself.

"Don't worry,  _dad_ ," she says, practically gritting out the last word as she slings her arm over Lauren's shoulder, "Once this rent period's over, I'll pay for my own  _lesbian activities_  so you don't need to."

Lauren wears a proud look on her face as she watches Camila's father's mouth drop slightly before he bites on his jaw tightly.

"Now that you've seen my little  _lesbian cave_  that you're sponsoring, is there anything else I can help you with?" Camila asks, her voice suddenly sweet as she flashes a forced smile at her father. 

"No, I think I'm good," he answers firmly with a sure nod. "I'll head off then," he says, "We're having lunch tomorrow, yes?" he asks and Camila sends him a single, reluctant nod. "We'll buy some things for your apartment, as well," he says and Camila simply agrees, then turning towards Lauren, "You're invited to join as well, Laura."

 _"Lauren,"_ Camila corrects, biting it out before Lauren even can.

"Sorry," he says but doesn't sound it, "Lauren," he amends. He looks towards Camila, "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Your boxes are all here, right?" he asks and she nods once more. "If you need anything else..." he trails off and Camila seems more impatient than anything with yet another nod of her head.

"Thanks," she mutters with not much emotion and Lauren makes sure to rub her thumb that's settled by her waist on the warm skin exposed by her crop top in hopes Camila would calm down.

"I'll be off," he repeats, then holds an arm open for Camila who reluctantly lets go of Lauren to return the hug. Lauren  _says_ 'return' but what she really means is that Camila mostly just stands there while her father wraps an arm around her shoulders for all of four tense seconds before Camila pulls away.

Camila's goodbye is shorter than even Lauren's is. Once her father is out of sight, Camila simply shrugs her shoulders, saying "Kinda forgot to tell you he was coming along because he wanted to see and what he wanted to  _'help'_ ," and then it's brushed under the rug.

_(The proverbial rug, that is. They've still yet to decorate the place, so—)_

Camila all but devours the whole pizza herself, and even if Lauren wasn't hungry, she wouldn't mind. Seeing the smile that Camila wears over her mouth full is enough for her.

They get to work after lunch. Lauren helps Camila unpack her boxes. They have a good system going: Lauren taking the clothes out of the box, teasing her for her  _multiple_ Disney pyjama pants that she has, passing them to Camila to put onto the hangers, only rolling her eyes in response. They manage to sort out the kitchen and the move around a little bit of the living room too, but when they get a text from Dinah saying dinner's at  _'the Norminah house',_ they decide to call it a day.

But then even between sorting the whole apartment, Camila somehow manages to rope Lauren into tagging along tomorrow with her dad. And as much as Lauren would rather  _die_ than spend another moment with such a foul man, when Camila flashes her puppy dog eyes, Lauren's a goner.

The whole day, Lauren shoots glares Alejandro's way. But she bites on her tongue at the crass things he says, ignores his mildly homophobic comments and pretends she doesn't notice how whoever he's constantly texting with petnames  _isn't_ Sinu. She's filled with pent up rage, but it's not quite her place to tell him off, so she says silent and  _very_ tense. Camila notices, because  _of course, she does._

When they get back home later, Lauren thinks the day wasn't all too bad- but there's like,  _definitely_ no correlation  _at all_  between Lauren's mood and the fact that she had Camila's hand in hers for most of the day.

_Like, absolutely no correlation._

 

Dragging herself out of her room as she combs through her messy  _just-woke-up_ hair with her fingers, a short yawn on her lips, Lauren makes her way over to the kitchen. At the same moment her butt settles atop the stool, a plate full of freshly made pancakes slides across the table and stops before her.

She looks up with the widest grin on her face at Camila.

"Hit me with today's pick up line," Lauren says through a smile as she moves to cut her breakfast.

The sheer excitement on Camila's face is enough to already be the highlight of Lauren's day.

"Are you from Egypt?"

Camila looks like she's about to explode with anticipation, and she doesn't waste a breath after Lauren answers,  _'No, why?'_ before she all but blurts out:

"Because I'm in  _The Nile_ of your beauty!"

It's so  _lame_ and  _cheesy_ but it's also so  _Camila_ and Lauren can't help the hearty laugh that falls from her lips at that. The proud look on Camila's face makes acknowledging such a  _bad_ joke so worth it.

"I think I liked the Italy one more, though," Lauren confesses around a mouthful of perfectly made pancakes.

"The  _'I'd like to Rome your sheets'_ one?" Camila asks and Lauren nods. "Yeah, that  _was_ a good one," she says, sighing reminiscently as though she were longing for someone and not just thinking of a joke.

Lauren only shakes her head, soft smile on her lips as she watches Camila quietly.

She thinks there isn't a better moment than now to ask her.

"I have a question," Lauren starts and Camila nods for her to go on while her spoonful of cereal is in her mouth, "that you may not like, but it's kinda been on my mind for the past week and—"

"You can ask me anything, Laur," Camila says with a soft smile as she settles her bowl on the granite surface of the counter between them.

"Okay," she begins slowly, "Bear with me, yeah?" she says and when Camila nods, Lauren takes a deep breath, readying herself for this as though her life depended on it, then: "Can we have sushi tonight?"

Despite how Camila rolls her eyes, there's a smile flirting at her lips. "You're ridiculous, Lauren Michelle," Camila chides playfully, then scrunching up her nose, "But I  _hate_ sushi!"

"You don't mind eating tempura!" Lauren retorts, then, with her bottom lip sticking out and her eyes sparkling in the way she  _knows_ will get Camila to agree to anything, she says,  _"Please?_ I've been craving it for the past week."

Then, just as planned:  _"Fine,"_ Camila caves, and Lauren wears the happiest grin, not even deterred by Camila's, "But  _you're_ paying!"

 

The semester goes on and as quickly as the workload comes flooding in, things change.

Lauren learns that despite how close she was to Camila  _before,_ she really doesn't know as much of the girl as she thought she did now that she's living with her.

For one, she learns that Camila is probably the messiest person in the whole of L.A. Her clothes manage to end up strewn all over the apartment, her room's littered with empty plastic bottles that Lauren cleans out every now and then, and her plates and bowls never seem to make it into the dishwasher. She also finds out that when she's not reading or studying or on the couch watching TV, she shuts herself in her room, blasting her electric guitar as she plays one song or the other. If Camila were anyone else besides herself, Lauren may find all these habits annoying, but since she  _does_ cook for Lauren, since her strumming  _is_  music, since her voice is that of an angel's, since she's  _Camila,_ Lauren finds that she doesn't mind it as much.

She also learns that Camila has  _actual_  friends outside of the group.

_(She means this in the nicest way possible, of course.)_

Lauren will come home from a lecture, already thinking of a new way she can plead for food from Camila, and there'll be some guy with a guitar sitting on her couch. He – who turns out to be  _Shawn_ and  _friend from Music_ that Camila keeps mentioning – and Ariana end up becoming frequent visitors.

And it isn't that Lauren has a problem with guests or anything- it's just that when  _both_ of them so clearly  _likes_ Camila – with all of Ariana's unnecessary touches that Lauren observes from her spot in the kitchen with a tight grip on her mug of tea, or Shawn's charming smile and twinkling eyes that he saves only for Camila that Lauren silently notices with balled fists – Lauren's jealous side surfaces. It's hard enough as is with two people in one room liking the same person, but add another person to the mix, and it's just a  _mess_.

And of course, Camila's completely oblivious to allthe attention she's getting. When Dinah questions her about it after Lauren had voiced her thoughts to the girls, Camila hadn't even suspected an ulterior motive there, simply answering that  _'Shawn's really nice!'_ and that  _'Ariana's a real good friend!'_.

Lauren thinks it's ironic that for someone who's doing a degree in analysing literature, Camila  _really_ sucks at reading between the lines.

But things change for the worse. It happens one day when Lauren's just getting out of the shower after a long day of lectures and tutorials only to hear Camila's voice echoing violently through the walls of their apartment. Lauren almost thinks she's dreaming because the loudest she's ever heard Camila's voice was when she'd seen a spider crawl into her room that one time, but when Lauren catches a seething,  _'No, fuck him, I've had enough,'_ she knows that it's both not a dream and what it's about.

Lauren's dressed, hair all dried and her legs lathered in lotion by the time the screaming match finally ends. The moment she hears the resigned,  _'I'll talk to you soon, mami,'_ with a sigh, Lauren finally makes her way out of the refuge of her room to find Camila pacing around the kitchen with an unreadable expression on her face.

Lauren barely manages to get out a  _'Camila-'_ before she goes on a full on rambling rant, her tongue speaking faster than Lauren can really even process.

"I'm just so  _done_ with this bullshit- it's been  _six years, for fuck's sake,_ and she  _still_ doesn't want to let go! Each time I convince her that divorce is the best thing for  _all_ of us, he manages to pull her in  _again_ with empty words and broken promises! I just- Sofi deserves so much better- my  _mom_ deserves so much better," then, voice cracking, " _I deserve better."_

Lauren doesn't care that Camila's body is hard and tense when she engulfs her in a hug. Her arms are strong and her hold is tight, almost as though Lauren's embrace was the only thing keeping Camila from completely falling apart right there.

"He says he'll still pay for college- but I don't- I don't want anything from him anymore. Our relationship has solely become a bank transfer and I don't want  _any_ of that anymore. I'm  _done,"_ she says as she buries her face in Lauren's neck, wet, hot tears dropping to her collarbone. "You know," Camila starts once more, breath shaky, "You'd think after everything we went through- after crossing  _countries_ together, after almost facing  _deportation_  together,  _loyalty_ would be the least of our problems- but... but here we are.

"And  _mami_ \- she- she's loved him for so hard and for so long that he's all she knows. I can't even blame her for not wanting to leave- but I  _resent_ how she can  _still_ love him after everything he's put us all through. She's nothing but the perfect wife and he- he couldn't even appreciate that. He didn't think she was enough- he didn't think we were-  _I wasn't enough."_

That strikes a nerve in Lauren.

 _"No,"_ she refutes, the word hard and strong as she shakes her head adamantly that it almost shocks Camila. "No- you're  _so_ much more than  _enough,_ Camz,  _so_ much – he just couldn't see that. And that's on him, and  _only_  him." Lauren hands come to cup Camila's cheeks, forcing her to look at Lauren, forcing her to believe the truth in her words. "It's his fault and his lost that he's not appreciating you and your mom and Sofi for what you all are, for what  _you_ are.

"You're so much more, that sometimes you're too much. You're  _too_  good, you're  _too_  loving,  _too_  caring,  _too_ -  _you're too much_ ," she repeats, a softness to her words with her eyes twinkling at Camila.

Her chestnut eyes are glassy, tear after tear rolling down her cheekbones that Lauren wipes away.

"I don't care how many times I have to say it, but I'll keep on repeating how amazing you are until you finally believe it."

There's something that flashes in Camila's eyes – it's short and barely there, but Lauren sees it. She doesn't have time to analyse it though- not when she feels a soft yet persistent force press against her lips, Camila's intoxicating kiss pulling Lauren in and she's hopeless to her. She kisses back – mainly because that's her first reaction but also because it's  _Camila_. She's been waiting for this for what feels like forever, but the kiss is salty and wet and rough and it's nowhere like what she had imagined.

She pulls back, eyes blown wide, and her face must show a hint of shock, because before she knows it horror floods Camila's features,  _'Oh my God, I'm so sorry'_ comes tumbling out in a panicked rush, and before Lauren can even get a  _'Camila, wait!'_ out, there's an echoing thud of the front door being slammed shut behind a retreating Camila.

 

Normani, Ally and Dinah huddle around Lauren within the five minutes after she sends them each a text.

When she recounts what happens, tells them of the ache she felt in her chest as she found herself standing alone in their apartment, the three of them pull Lauren tighter into their embrace.

"She's in a messy place right now," is what Normani says, unfalteringly the voice of wisdom.

"Give her time," Ally reassures, her voice so soft and so maternal.

Then, there's Dinah who—

 _"Just go up to her and tell her you're balls deep in love with her already!"_  with an exasperated look on her face. "This lesbian sexual tension shit is driving  _me_ crazy, I don't know how  _you're_ handling it."

Through everyone's laughter, Lauren cracks out a, "Clearly, not very well," playful sigh on her breath that the girls grin at.

But Ally squeezes her waist tight, sends her a soft and reassuring smile. "Give her time," she repeats. "Just give her time, be there for her and everything will fall into place."

 

And she does, but things don't seem to.

Despite the text she sends Camila that night itself  _(_ ** _i promise i wasn't going to freak out just now_** _, then,_ ** _please just come home_** _),_ Camila only distances herself.

There's a stark contrast between them  _before_ and them  _after_.

While Camila still makes extra breakfast for Lauren, by the time she emerges from her room in the mornings, the only thing she finds in the kitchen is a sticky note telling her in a child's handwriting that her food's in the fridge or in the microwave, but the person who the messy scrawl belongs to is nowhere in sight. They still watch shows together, but even then, the three inches of space between them just makes Lauren feel like they're on opposite sides of the room. Camila doesn't randomly burst into her room anymore, no more of her booming voice asking Lauren to listen to this new song she discovered because  _it's_   _so good, Laur!,_ no more of Camila just strolling in and plopping herself onto her bed.

Lauren swears that she's fine with it when Normani asks, but she misses Camila achingly, misses her stupid antics, misses her daily pick up lines, misses  _her._

It's two and a half weeks after the kiss, two and a half weeks of awkwardly tiptoeing around each other, two and a half weeks of Lauren teetering on the edge of her breaking point when it happens.

She's tired and she's cranky because the lectures were long and boring and she  _totally_ could've just gone through the slides herself without actually getting out of bed and learnt just as much. Then, when she's made aware by Lucy of the impossible amount of compulsory readings she has for this week, her already deteriorating mood hits rock bottom. Or at least what she thought was rock bottom.

She pushes their door open, already noting in the back of her mind to scold Camila for not having locked the door, let alone even  _closing_ it, but when she pads past Camila's room, that familiar voice, both raspy and sweet, wafts through the walls in secretive whispers.

But still, she hears it. She hears it and she swears there's an echoing sound of something shattering inside her.

_"I slept with Ariana."_

Camila's voice is hushed and the words come out like a confession, but they ring loud in Lauren's ears. She doesn't hear much else, she doesn't care who it is Camila is talking to in her room. She just walks right out after that. 

 

(She doesn't hear the rest of what Camila tells Ally.

She doesn't hear the part where Camila tells Ally how hard she's been trying to move on from Lauren since Lucy, how the weight of what she feels for Lauren both suffocates her and is her salvation, how  _"I slept with Ariana but all I could think about was_ her _."_

She doesn't hear the sobs in her voice as she speaks words of regret, of guilt for using Ariana like that when unrequited feelings are involved, how she feels disloyal to Lauren despite the fact neither of them have any claim on the other  _– but they do, they do –_ how all it's done is make her realise the depth of her feelings for Lauren even more.

She doesn't hear how Camila calls Ari up right after, sobbing out words of apologies, how Ally reassures her that she's not a bad person, that even the best of people mess up sometimes.

 _"I'm so fucking terrified of how deeply in love I am with her,"_ Camila confesses as she burrows herself in Ally's arms.

That, too, Lauren doesn't hear.)

 

Normani opens the door after the first set of knocks, her face filled with worry and sympathy with the,  _"Oh, Laur,"_ that she sighs out before pulling her into her arms.

Her voice is a void of emotion, monotonous as she repeats what happened.

"I don't know, Mani," she says after, resigned, "I think I should just give it up."

Normani scrunches up her brows, already shaking her head before she says, "No," the single word falls strong and hard from between her lips. "I've never seen you  _feel_ for anyone like you do for her and that's not going to come around often. She slept with Ari-  _so what?_ We're in  _college,_ Laur- everyone sleeps with everyone. Until she tells us that she's  _with_ Ari and they're committed to each other and  _yada yada,_ you  _stay_  by her and you  _show_  her how much you love her.

"I am not jumping ship, and neither should you," Normani says, her words with a certain finality to them. "She didn't while you were with Lucy, so you shouldn't just because of this little Ariana thing."

A wave of guilt washes over her when she's reminded of Lucy. She remembers the look on Camila's face when she'd walked in on them, remembers her half-smiles when Lauren would mention Lucy in passing, remembers how still she'd welcomed Lucy with open arms and shitty jokes despite the fact that she'd avert her eyes when Lauren leaned in to kiss Lucy, how she'd still made sure to include Lucy in conversations when even Lauren would sometimes get caught up in their own talk even though it killed her to hear Lucy call Lauren  _'babe'_. She remembers all that, and when she thinks about the ache of hurt that had filled her whole body earlier, she only feels that much worse.

"It's not the same, though-" Lauren tries, attempting to reassure herself, but Normani's already raising a brow at that, "she wasn't like  _in love_ with me like I—"

"Oh,  _honey,"_ Normani cuts in before Lauren can finish, light laughter on her breath.

"You  _really_  think she wasn't- she  _isn't_ in just as deep?"

Lauren furrows her brows.

 _"Girl,_ she was in so deep, she was almost drowning."

 

When she gets back that night, she comes home to a sticky note on the kitchen counter that leads her to three boxes of sushi in the fridge and Camila lightly dozing off on the couch.

 _"Camz,"_  she shakes at her shoulder, unable to help the smile that tugs at the corner of her lips at the adorable sight Camila makes as she stirs, eyes groggy and hair a mess.

Camila sits up, confusion on her face as she blearily mutters, "Hm? Laur?"

Sitting in the space next to her, she says, "Come have dinner with me," as she places the boxes of sushi on the coffee table before them.

Camila frowns, "I bought the sushi for you- I don't eat—"

She shuts up and practically chokes on her own saliva the moment she eyes the box of pizza Lauren deposits onto the table.

"I know," is all she says before she digs into her own food, picking up the sushi between her chopsticks.

She catches the smile Camila bites down on in her periphery before grabs a slice for herself.

They spend the rest of the night eating and watching Netflix in a comfortable silence that Lauren willingly admits she's missed. 

 

The quiet knock on her door brings her attention away from the page she's on. "Yeah?" she calls out and Camila emerges from behind the door, sticking her head in before she steps into Lauren's room.

She's wearing her shorts that have the faces of those  _Frozen_ characters on them, a plain grey shirt that's just a little bit loose on her shoulders, and her hair tied up into a messy brunette bun. 

Lauren pats the empty space next to her and Camila accepts the invitation easily, settling quietly in the bed beside her.

The  _"What's up?"_ is on the tip of her tongue when she notices the look on Camila's face, but Camila gets to it first.

 _"I'm so sorry, Laur,"_ falls from Camila's lips, her eyes already glassy when Lauren meets them.

For a second, Lauren assumes she's talking about sleeping with Ariana, but-  _one,_ Camila doesn't know that  _Lauren_ knows, and  _two,_ Camila wouldn't owe Lauren any apologies for that.

But Camila answers her unasked question when she continues, "I shouldn't have ignored you like I did for the past few weeks. I- I was just terrified that you'd freak out over the kiss and that it'd ruin our friendship, but in the end it's  _me_ who ruins our—"

 _"Camila,"_ Lauren stops her, smile teasing at her lips. "Nothing's been ruined, okay?" she says, holding Camila's stare until the other woman nods in reply. "You're still one of my-" she pauses for just a second then, but still Camila notices, "best friends, and nothing's going to change that, okay?"

Lauren pretends that the label doesn't sting. She doesn't  _just_ want to be best friends with Camila – but they're only just returning to themselves once more, and she's not going to try rush anything.

"And nothing's going to change the fact that I'm always here for you, okay? We could be eighty and I could barely even remember my own name, but even then, I'll be there for you."

A soft smile creeps onto Camila's lips at that. "Ditto," she says before she pulls Lauren into a short, but tight hug.

Camila's  _"Can I sleep here tonight?"_ and Lauren's  _"Do you wanna sleepover?"_ gets blended together as they speak over each other. Two growing grins break on both girls' faces and neither one can help the laughter that falls from their lips.

Lauren finishes the rest of her chapter while Camila scrolls through her phone, by the sounds of it, catching up on everyone's Snap Stories.

She'd almost forgotten how natural Camila's arms feel around her –  _that's a lie. As if she could ever forget such a feeling –_ and she melts into the embrace.

She's on the brink of sleep, too comforted by the feeling of Camila around her, when she hears her ask, "Laur?" in a soft whisper, her breath warm as it fans over Lauren's cheek.

"Yeah?"

There's a long pause and for a second, Lauren thinks  _this is it, this is it,_ but when Camila asks: "Are you from Ireland?" Lauren can only shake her head as she laughs.

"Why?" she humours through a smile she bites down on.

"Because you got my heartbeat  _Dublin."_

Lauren doesn't need to turn around to know that Camila's wearing the widest grin on her face.

"Yeah?" she asks and Camila hums proudly. Then,  _"Well,"_  she continues, taking Camila's hand in her own, she guides it to her chest, places Camila's palm atop where the beating is the strongest and says, "we have another thing in common, then."

She sleeps soundly with a satisfied smile on her lips at the hitch in Camila's breath. 

 

The next day, at the same time Camila calls Ally in her room, flailing about with excitement, Lauren's doing the exact thing in hers with Normani.

"I was about to sleep but she said this  _really_  cute thing about her heartbeat doubling and-" Lauren tells Normani while Camila says, "And then she did this adorable -  _oh my God I swear I almost died-_ thing where she took my hand and placed it over her heartbeat and basically said  _same_ and Als- I think I've  _died_  and gone to heaven."

While they're back to being comfortable with each other once more, the tiptoeing continues. Though this time around, the tiptoeing doesn't come in avoiding one another, it's more furtive glances and shy smiles and lingering touches.

Neither of the two realise that the other three girls are noticing said glances and smiles and touches, nor do they know of the meeting the other three girls hold when they've decided  _they've_ had enough of the sudden schoolgirl shyness.

After Dinah cools off from the betrayal of not being sought out by neither Lauren nor Camila, the three of them devise a plan to get them together.

It's supposed to go like this:

They drop subtle hints of the others' feelings to both of them, then either girl will catch the implication which encourages them to finally make a move. And since  _subtlety_ is key, Dinah's on the bench for this one. When they're watching  _Orange is the New Black,_ Normani  _(very casually)_ says to Camilahow Maritza is  _so_ Lauren's type – pretty brunette, with brown eyes and tan skin – then, later, she nonchalantly mentions that  _'You know, you remind me a little bit of Diane Guerrero'._ When Ally meets Lauren for lunch, she makes sure to order some  _gross_ healthy juice, then when Lauren comments on how green it is, Ally manages to segway that conversation towards how  _'Yeah,_ so  _green! And speaking of green, did you know it's Camila's new favourite colour? Like_ such _a total opposite from what it was before and I have no idea why!'_

That would trigger  _some_ sort of reaction in either girl, Camila will get that Normani was basically spelling out that  _'Lauren Jauregui thinks that you, Camila Cabello, is attractive among other things!'_ , and Lauren will understand that Camila's favourite colour is now green  _because of Lauren's eyes! –_ but of course, it amounts to basically nothing.

How it actually ends up going is like this:

After Normani's comment, Camila blushes, but not for the reason she'd hoped. She grins as she lets out an  _'Aw, thanks, Mani! She's_ so  _hot and that's such a compliment!',_ completely oblivious to her ulterior motive. Then with Lauren, she simply replies,  _'Well, to be fair, green is a_ much  _better colour than yellow is, so maybe we're lucky she switched favourites,'_ with a shrug on her shoulders before she goes ahead and tries Ally's juice, only to cringe once the flavour hits her tongue.

They reconvene after that failed attempt.

"Are they  _stupid_ or what?" Normani's the one to groan out, annoyed by their obliviousness when it's  _so_ clearly been spelled out for them.

"She shrugged me off! She didn't even suspect  _anything!"_ Ally cries out, clearly just as frustrated.

Meanwhile, Dinah's popping chips into her mouth, smug look on her face. "Your plan to not include Dinah Jane is working well, I see."

Both Normani and Ally shoot her dirty looks and that's when Dinah shifts into gear to actually try to help.

"Okay,  _fine_ ," she sits up, putting down the bag of  _Lays_. "Maybe we just gotta be more obvious?"

"I don't know how much more obvious we can get without spilling their secrets!" Normani points out. "When they finally realise each other's feelings, it should come from them, and not us."

Dinah hums speculatively. In her opinion, they should just straight out tell Camila that Lauren is grossly in love with her, should tell Lauren that all of Camila's love songs are inspired by her, but seeing that it's two versus one here, and democracy and majority rule  _sometimes_ applies, she doesn't suggest that.

"It's funny," she starts instead, Ally and Normani looking at her curiously as she continues, "Lauren  _really_ wanted for 532 to be Camila," Dinah mentions and Normani's already rolling her eyes, unable to wrap her head around why Dinah will never not mention 532, "and she  _noticed_ all these things that basically shows her that Camila likes her, but she  _still_ doesn't  _really_  realise that Camila  _does_ like her!"

The scolding is already on the tip of Normani's tongue, ready to chide Dinah for not letting the whole 532 business go, when Ally cuts in with a  _"Wait-"_ stopping Normani before she can even start, her eyebrows pressed into a frown while her features fall into a serious expression, and both Dinah and Normani recognise that look on Ally's face.

"I might have an idea."

 

She gets to the café around ten minutes after she'd received Ally's text  _('in between lectures and everyone else ditched me :( come through?')._

When she spots Ally in the crowd of students and their laptops, she makes her way over, but it isn't until Lauren taps on her shoulder that Ally realises Lauren's presence.

Only after pulling her eyes away from her laptop screen does Ally hop up and pull Lauren into a greeting hug.

"Thanks for saving me from loneliness," Ally shines a grateful smile at her. "I was about to get to the weird part of Facebook."

"Oh?" Lauren questions teasingly, "Not your usual cat videos and cooking recipes, Sunshine Ally?"

"Shut up," she chides playfully, "Nah, I was looking at all the random pages UCLA has – like did you know we have a  _'UCLA Memes for Sick Af Tweens'_ page?"

Lauren lets out a laugh at how Ally read it out with such disgust on her face. "Yeah," she grins, "Camz was the one who showed me."

Ally shakes her head, "Why am I not surprised?" she asks. "She's always introducing me to these things – like, before her, I didn't even know we had a  _Pokemon Go_ page or the  _UCLA Crush_ page, and she even showed me the  _Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer_  page."

"That's because he is," Lauren says with such a serious look on her face that even Ally is confused for about five seconds before Lauren breaks character. Then, "Yeah," she says, "Camz knows all these pages and— _oh?_ She was the one to introduce you to the  _UCLA Crush_  page?"

_(Hook, line, and sinker.)_

"Yep," Ally shrugs nonchalantly. "Not sure if she ever used it, but she would fangirl over cute posts now and then."

Lauren hums. She doesn't say anything else on the subject. Since Lucy, she  _promised_ herself she'd let it go, but now...

"Cool," she answers. "What do you have later?" Lauren diverts the attention and Ally takes the bait  _(-oh, if only she knew)_.

"Film Studies," Ally replies, "We're watching noir movies, so-" she scrunches up her nose and Lauren grins at how cute she is.

They go on talking as usual, but that little slip of Ally's is sitting in the back of Lauren's mind. It sits there quietly with all the other bits of information she's collected but it's piling up now and it's getting a little too crowded back there. She doesn't let it show though (or, she doesn't  _think_ she lets it show), steering conversation elsewhere.

The thing is, she and Camila are in a really good place right now – better than they've ever been. Lauren's at every one of Camila's slams and open mics, enjoying both her poetry and her music, and Camila's constantly keeping Lauren alive with the breakfasts, lunches and dinners she makes, with how she makes sure to leave some Advil by the side of Lauren's bed after they have a night out, and with how Camila's basically Lauren's sanity.

She doesn't want to jeopardise that, but- the back of her mind is filling up and there's not much space left for Lauren to think of anything but that.

They both leave the café five minutes before Ally's lecture is supposed to start, splitting ways with one heading home with a lot on her mind, and another with a wide grin on her lips as she types out  _'y'all are going to owe me 20 bucks by the end of tonight'_ into her phone.

 

Normani only rolls her eyes, but Dinah looks at her phone screen affronted.

"She only got that idea because of  _me_ ," she murmurs with an upset pout on her lips and a frown on her brow as she glares at Ally's text.

 

She's been staring blankly at the TV for what feels like forever. They're three episodes into a new Netflix series, having decided to start it because of the good reviews, but also for the fact that Alison Brie's in it and she's a total babe, but Lauren's completely lost in the plotline.

What she  _should_ do is let it rest. What she  _doesn't_ do is exactly that.

She isn't quite sure why exactly she's holding onto this as tightly as she is. She should've let it go with Lucy's confession, but Ally's words have been niggling at her since then – since way before then, really _–_ and she just needs to know, once and for all, and so she goes directly against Normani's constant advice.

"Camz?" she asks. It's two nights after meeting Ally at the café when they're both lounging on their couch that she finally decides to do something about it.

Camila hums, acknowledging Lauren's question, but mainly keeps her eyes trained on the screen.

"I need to ask you something," Lauren says. Her voice is low and tentative, and Camila must recognise the weight in her words because now her attention is on Lauren, eyes soft and curious.

When Camila gives her a look as if to say  _'go on,'_ Lauren takes a deep breath, fingers drumming a quick pattern against her thigh, biting on her bottom lip before she finally breathes out,  _"Are you 532?"_

Confusion fills her eyes before realisation does and Lauren inhales a sharp breath at that, her mind racing that  _it's her, it's her,_ that maybe she  _does_  have a chance with Camila if they actually  _talk_ about it instead of skirting around their feelings, that maybe she could—

_"I'm really not."_

Camila shakes her head and Lauren feels her heart drop to her stomach, a thudding echo reverberating through her with it.

A flush of embarrassment runs through Lauren, her face surely rising in red as she splutters out,  _"Oh my God,_  you must think I'm so conceited to think that you'd actually like-  _like_ me, like that's so—I'm so sorry,  _fuck,_ this is so embarrassing. But I just thought that you saw me in the library, you're into girls, you like  _The 1975,_ you compliment me the same way 532 did and Ally said-  _fuck_ , I should've just let it go when Lucy admitted it and now we're just going to awkwardly tiptoe around this for the next three years living together- and I seriously can't believe I thought  _you'd_ like  _me_ like  _that_  and—"

Lauren must be gesticulating wildly with her hands because she finds them caught in Camila's hold, suddenly halting both her ministrations and her rambling.

Camila squeezes her hands to get Lauren to actually meet her eyes, and when green ones finally meet brown, Lauren only finds a soft, amused look in them.

"I'm not 532," she repeats and Lauren feels the blush deepen in her face again, because  _why_ does Camila have to remind her of her mistake and rub it— "But," she continues, and Lauren shuts her mind up, her brow quirks involuntarily at that, hope simmering in the pit of her stomach with Camila's words, "I don't need to be some anonymous poster online to have feelings for you."

It isn't exactly shock or surprise that floods through her. It's more a  _'wait, this is_ happening _?'-_ feeling that courses through her veins. It's not  _so_ out of this world that Camila has  _feelings_ for  _her_ too, but Lauren's just in disbelief that it's finally  _out there,_ that their feelings are on the table, strewn across the surface and out in the open.

She doesn't even realise her own lips have stretched wide into a grin, that she's biting down on her uncontrollable smile until she feels Camila's thumb sooth at her bottom lip, swiping across the pink of it. She finds herself leaning into Camila's fingers that cup her jaw, finds herself trying to calm the staccato that's beating against her ribs.

"I think this is the part you tell me you have feelings for me too," Camila breaks the silence after the moment stretches, Lauren unable to place for how long. It could've been two minutes, it could've been two hours, and she wouldn't have known any better.

"Right," she shakes herself out of it, her cheeks almost numb from her smile,  _"Camz,"_  she starts, and Camila's now the one biting down on her lip, which makers Lauren want to just kiss— _focus,_ "If you didn't already know by now," she continues,  _"I... have hella feelings for you..."_

The punch that meets her arm barely has any force behind it, but Lauren still pouts petulantly at that as an airy laugh falls from between Camila's lips. "I can't believe you just admitted you like me back by quoting a  _blackbear_ song."

Lauren only shrugs,  _"But I don't fucking care,"_ she sings, grinning widely and shamelessly and—

Camila kisses the smile off her lips.

It's a short peck, chaste and sweet, but it leaves Lauren with a hitch in her breath, blinking in a surprised shock, almost frozen in her own body afterwards.

In her paralysed state, she watches as Camila's tongue darts from between her lips to wet them, swiping across the rosy pink before she presses them into a thin line that curls at the corners as if the smile couldn't be controlled.

"You good?" Camila grins at her, voice teasing and playful and that's enough to pull Lauren out of her trance, because the next thing she knows—

She pulls Camila in with a hold on the nape of her neck, fingers curled into her soft hairs as plump lips move in tandem against her own pair.

Everything stills. It's not their first kiss, not their second, but it's their third that's world shattering. It's just them, the two of them alone together. The whole world pauses. The waters still, the wind goes stagnant, and in that moment the only thing that moves is Lauren's kiss against Camila's lips.

When Camila's hands come to cup Lauren's face, they're pulled impossibly closer. Their kiss is an oxymoron: it's rough, but it's soft; it's sweet, but it's passionate; it's new, but it's familiar. Their breaths mingle as their tongues mesh, the slick heat of the muscles fighting for dominance, while falling submissive to each other's touch.

Their lips draw away from each other with a soft smacking sound, foreheads touching as they catch their breaths.

Lauren's the first to speak.

"Hey, Camz?" she begins, voice soft and a little bit breathless

"Yeah?" Camila nods against Lauren, subtle curve to her lips as her eyes remain shut.

Then, when Lauren asks, "Are you from Cuba?" the smile curls into excitement, her eyes peeking open as she answers, "Well-  _yes,_ actual—"

"Because I'm  _Havana_ little crush on you."

Camila kisses the grin right off Lauren's lips. 

 

They're a month into being together when it happens.

Camila's laying on Lauren's lap, head cushioned by her thigh as she talks to Dinah about anything and everything. Lauren simply watches Camila's face with a gentle gaze, eyes soft and tender like the smile she wears as she looks at the girl talking animatedly with her hands from above.

Lauren knows she's very much in love.

(But apparently, the rest, don't.)

"Okay, I've had  _enough_ -" she hears Dinah interrupt whatever Camila's lips were saying. She only realises it because Camila gets that little scrunch in her brow when she's cut off, and Lauren's eyes shoot up, ready to reprimand Dinah for it, but then when her name's being snapped out on Dinah's tongue.  _"Lauren-_ Camila is  _hella_ into you!" she claims, Lauren shaking her head in shock at the Dinah's words. Then, "And you!" pointing an accusatory finger at Camila who's sitting up confused, "Lauren's like  _so_ crazy for you it's disgusting!"

Camila and Lauren look at each other confused, unsure why exactly Dinah is like... stating the obvious, but they don't have any time to question it when Dinah continues firing off on them.

"Like- y'all look at each other with gooey eyes and longing stares and I've never seen Lauren so  _soft_ with anyone and I've never seen Camila have so much inspiration to write and y'all basically already  _act_ like a couple, so why the hell don't you—"

"We  _are_ a couple—" Camila cuts in, puzzled look in her eyes, but Dinah doesn't seem to hear her when she keeps on going on with-

"-just fuck and get it over with! Like you  _already_ live together, you  _already_ do all these couple-y things, so just—"

 _"Dinah,"_ Lauren tries this time, but her attempt is futile.

"I'm just so  _tired_ of seeing you tiptoe around each other and—"

Ally's the one to come in now,  _"Wait-_ you guys are  _what?"_

Dinah seems far too into her rant that she goes on, "-Not now, Als- but it's just so frustrating—"

 _"Dinah Jane Hansen."_ It's Normani who hisses it out, and surprisingly, that actually gets Dinah to shut up. "Mila? Laur? What  _exactly_  did y'all  _just_  say?" she asks strongly, her eyes focussed between the two.

They both look unsure at each other, not quite understanding what's actually happening. But still, Camila repeats slowly,  _"We are a couple."_

Three pairs of eyes blow wide at them. Normani looks mildly impressed, Ally looks shocked more than anything, and Dinah just looks completely confused.

_"What?"_

_"When?"_

_"How?"_

\- comes out simultaneously, a myriad of questions bombarding them.

"Did you guys not know?" Lauren's the one to ask with a frown in her brows.

 _"Did you guys not think to tell us!"_  Dinah shoots back at her. "How long!"

Camila shrugs, "A month and," she eyes her phone, looking at the date, "a week?"

 _"What the hell!"_ all three of them curse, betrayed looks on their faces.

"We thought it was obvious," Lauren reasons, "I mean, we weren't  _hiding_ anything."

"Yeah," Camila agrees, taking Lauren's hand in hers, fingers intertwined, "I mean, we're not fans of PDA, but like, I call her _babe_ and she holds my hand and- I don't know? Weren't we obvious?"

Mouth still hanging open, Dinah shakes herself out of her stupor, then, "Y'all bitches were doing that  _before_ you got together- how the fuck should we know something's changed!"

Lauren eyes Camila and Camila eyes Lauren.  _She has a point,_ they both silently say.

_"I mean..."_

"I can't believe you didn't think to tell us!" Ally cries out.

They both wear shrugs on their shoulders and Normani doesn't waste a second before she smacks them both over the head with pillows. "After all our effort, you'd think we'd get some appreciation!"

Camila sends her a shy smile, the  _"Oops,"_ that's on her lips is cut off when Dinah asks, "When  _exactly_ did Camren go official?"

"Um," Camila starts and Lauren finishes for her, "the night of the 22nd."

Camila grins widely at her.  _'Love you,'_ she mouths and Lauren leans in to press a peck to Camila's cheek.

Lauren expects for them to freak out over that little display, but instead, all three turn to their phones, eyes scanning their screens as their thumbs furiously swipe and scroll through.

Less than half a minute later, Mani's the one to curse out,  _"Fuck!"_ before she points her screen at Ally, who groans with her, then Dinah, who wears a smug look on her face.

"Pay up bitches," she holds her hand out and with annoyed expressions, Ally and Normani deposit a 20 dollar bill into it each.

"You couldn't have just gotten together two days earlier, could you?" Ally glares while Mani whines about  _'how the hell does Dinah always win bets?'_

Lauren shakes her head, already ready to scold all of them for always betting on her love life, but then Camila squeezes her hand in hers, sends her a soft smile and a tender look and Lauren forgets everything else. 

 

"I wrote this one the night I had my first date with my girlfriend," she introduces into the mic with the softest smile on her lips, and it's followed by a chorus of  _'Awws'_ from the crowdand Dinah's  _'Boo- Camren sucks!'_ that she just shakes her head to before she continues. "She didn't know it was our first date, and to be fair, I didn't either, but we were in Miami, on the beach at night and I just  _knew,_ you know?" Then over the second chorus of coos, her eyes manage to find Lauren's through the crowd, the green ones smiling proudly at her as Camila starts, adjusting her guitar to fit into her hold, "I just knew then and there, even if we just remained friends, I'd never be the same after meeting her. Here's my favourite song."

_"Something must've gone wrong in my brain,_   
_Got your chemicals all in my veins,_   
_Feeling all the highs, feeling all the pain._   
_Let go of the ways I used to fall in lane,_   
_Now I'm seeing red, not thinking straight,_   
_Blurring all the lines, you intoxicate me..."_

_"Damn,_  I want a love song written about me," Lauren hears from her right. It's a girl – slightly tipsy by the looks of it – as she leans against her friend (or her  _something else- who knows, right?)_ the words coming out longingly in a sigh and Lauren can't help but grin to herself as she looks back at Camila singing on stage, her eyes drifting closed, immersed in the music.

"This song's about her, you know?" she hears, and when she turns back towards the voice, she finds Dinah nudging the girl from earlier, then pointing at Lauren, who's flushed in red now, both Ally and Normani just shaking their heads at Dinah's antics before they turn back to Camila.

_"Just like nicotine, heroine, morphine,_   
_Suddenly, I'm a fiend and you're all I need,_   
_All I need, yeah- all I need._

_It's you, babe,_   
_And I'm a sucker for the way that you move, babe,_   
_And I could try to run, but it would be useless-_   
_You're to blame,"_

"Damn," the girl lets out, lazy look in her eyes, likely from the alcohol coursing through her. "You're really lucky."

Lauren looks back up to the stage the same time Camila opens her eyes once more, scanning the crowd for her, and when their gazes meet again, she falls in love all over again, falls even deeper. Lauren smiles.

She looks back at the girl, lips curved at the corners.

"The luckiest." 

 

_"Just one hit, you will know I'll never be the same."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it yallllll!!!!! thank you so much for your kind words over this whole story and for your votes and reads and just everything
> 
> i really hope i did this story justice and you all are satisfied <3 tell me what y'all think okay????


	6. epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitch

She files for divorce in their third year - three weeks before finals.

When Lauren finds out, she's enraged.

Camila had told her through a text, cryptic and short -  _it's done, she's finally doing it_ \- and Lauren's jaw tightens, her grip on her phone tenses as she rereads the message, trying to decipher Camila's emotions.

She's in the midst of her rant to Ally -  _'What the fuck type of timing is this? She's stressed out about exams already and her mom chooses_ now  _to do it? Could she not wait for summer? Camz is going to be so-' -_ when a second text comes in.

Lauren reads  _'we're celebrating tonight!'_ followed by a string of party emojis, and she's left staring confused at her screen. Ally notices the frown in her brows. "What is it?"

She flashes her phone at Ally - then almost instantly regrets doing so, since if she's reading the chat, Ally also would see that the conversation is with  _'princess'_ and Lauren just  _knows_ Ally's never going to let her live that down.

After her smug smile fades away, Ally says, "I don't think I'll ever be able to get a proper read on that girl," seemingly just as confused whether or not this was another façade put up by Camila, or that she's genuinely happy.

When she comes home that day, when she searches Camila's eyes for  _something,_ for  _anything_ hinting that she could be not okay, she finds that it's the latter, and she lets out a breath of relief at the sight of it.

They crash a few parties that night  _(courtesy of one Dinah Jane and her various contacts, of course),_  they get a little bit too tipsy, and get  _way_  too stoned. By the end of the night, Camila's got the stupidest smile on her face and Lauren's giggling way too much. Dinah and Normani are sloppy drunk, and Ally- well, unfortunately, Ally's been nominated designated driver.

She drops Normani and Dinah off first since their place is on the way, and so she's left with Camila and Lauren, whispering conspiracies in the back of her car.

(Ally silently thanks God that that's the  _only_ thing they're doing in the back of her car.)

Camila tuts at her  _\- her prayers apparently not too silent_ \- chiding her for presuming they'd do such things, then carrying on to saying that  _"We're saving that for later,"_ with a playful wink that Ally scrunches her nose up at.

And they do. After Ally helps the two of them stumble hazily up the stairs of their building, after they find that the lock clicks a lot louder than it usually does when they open their front door, after Ally quickly dashes into her room  _(that used to be Camila's old room),_  after they press giggling kisses into each other's mouths, they end up with clothes strewn all over the place as they feverishly strip the other of their dresses.

Lauren has always enjoyed sex while high, but with Camila- like everything else with Camila, it's just that much  _better._

She finds herself with her fingers tangled in Camila's hair as the younger woman is settled comfortably in between her thighs, her tongue working wonders that not even Camila could find enough words for.

Camila's arms keep her grounded, hooked around her thighs and keeping her in place from squirming, her fingers splayed out on the flat of Lauren's stomach as she buries her face into Lauren's core.

A string of unintelligible moans fall from her lips as Camila laves up and down the length of her slit, shivers running along her spine as Camila sucks on her clit. The orgasm comes quick and it flushes through every nerve ending in her body, Camila's arms holding her hips grounded as she rides her down from her high.

She's pretty sure there's blood in her mouth from biting down too hard on her moans.

After, she tastes herself in Camila's kiss as their tongues mesh, tangy yet sweet, warm and slick as they slide against each other. The white spots behind her eyes widen into blurs when she finally reopens them, Camila appearing as a fuzzy figure. When her sight clears, Camila wears a lazy smile on her kiss-swollen lips.

"I love you," falls from Lauren's lips. Even in her blurred haze, that's the one thing clear to her. "I love you," she repeats. "You know that right?"

Her lips tug upwards at the corners, Camila brushing her thumb across Lauren's cheekbone as she nods her head gently, the look of love in her very eyes. Still, she leans in and kisses her own  _"I love you too"_ into Lauren lips. 

 

The divorce gets finalised during their summer back.

Lauren doesn't bother texting Camila before she drives over the Cabello house.

She pulls Sinu into a hug, or it's the other way around - she's not too sure, not when she's too busy rubbing soothing circles into Sinu's back.

"Tell me how she really is, okay? I can't- I can't read her anymore," Sinu says through tears in her eyes, voice shaky and defeated, and Lauren can only nod.

She's likely the only other person that gets more frustrated than Lauren herself at Camila's constant need to mask her feelings.

But she knocks on Sofi's door first, peeking her head in at the  _'come in!'_ andfinding the young girl sitting cross legged on her bed, with a notebook in her lap, looking so much like her sister that Lauren can't help the smile that quirks at her lips.

"Hey, kiddo," she greets and Sofi's head snaps up in excitement when she recognizes the voice. Lauren lets out a soft laugh as she heads over to the bed where Sofi's patting enthusiastically for her to join.

Sofi's words run a mile a minute as she tells Lauren about school and what her friend, Maria did today and how she  _hates_ English classes but really, really likes Science and Lauren just grins as she listens intently.

"How are you feeling, though?" Lauren asks tentatively, poking playfully at Sofi's side who giggles softly.

"I'm okay," she shrugs. "I'm used to it," she says casually and Lauren frowns at that. "But Kaki- she knows what it was like to have dad be  _around_ , then when he... when he did  _all that_... I think it hurt her more. She thinks that I'm the one more sad about this whole thing and she keeps trying to protect me- but I know she's sadder. I see it in her eyes."

"Yeah," Lauren lets the word trail, nods quietly. "I see it too."

She worries at her lip. She isn't sure what she's going to walk in on when she heads over next door towards Camila's room. She doesn't know how deep she'll have to dig for Camila to open up, she doesn't know if Camila's going to bother to put up a façade or not. She doesn't know if she'll have to hold Camila's body in her arms to keep her from falling apart or if Camila's going to shrug her shoulders, dust her hands off and be rid of the whole thing just like that. She doesn't know.

Sofi's the one poking Lauren now, prodding playfully as her dimples show in her cheeks. "But I see her eyes when you're around - you make all her sadness go away."

Lauren pulls Sofi into her side, overwhelmed by the young girl's words, presses a kiss to the crown of her head, "You're a great kid, Sof," she murmurs into the hug.

When she pushes Camila's door open, she's lying in bed, curled into herself.

Lauren sits by the edge of the mattress, gazing down at Camila who wears a blank stare in her eyes.

"Talk to me."

It's all she says and it surprises her that that's all it takes for Camila to actually respond.

"It's over," she says, her words coming only above a whisper. "Seven years, and it's finally done." Her eyes finally meet Lauren's, glassy and flitting. "I don't know why I still even get hung up over it- I guess... a part of me just kept hoping he'd  _actually_ choose us, but... it's over. It's over and he didn't choose us. He didn't even fight for custody over Sofi."

"Did you want him to come back?"

Tears spring at her eyes as Camila shakes her head adamantly. "No... I just- it's nice to be wanted."

_"Camz..."_

"I know, Laur-  _you want me, I'm amazing, he doesn't deserve me,"_  she repeats the words Lauren has said time and time again, "It's just that... he's my  _father_  and  _he_ doesn't want me. That's- I love you, but sometimes that fact just hurts too much."

Lauren only nods. She bites on her bottom lip, brows knitted in a frown.

She doesn't know what to do, what words to say or how to help and the question is just on the tip of her tongue when Camila answers it.

"Can we just- I just need to stop thinking about it."

 

Despite Lauren's reluctance, they end up at a bar.

She orders fries while Camila gets a drink. It's unspoken that Lauren's the designated driver for the night.

By her third one, Camila's words begin to slur, but it's only at her fourth  _(and a half)_ drink does she finally agree to going home.

Sinu doesn't even look remotely upset at Lauren dragging a drunken Camila into the house and up the stairs. She just presses a kiss to Camila's temple and squeezes Lauren's hand in thanks before she retires to her own room.

_"Laur?"_

The word is dragged out and slurred, the name falling and landing sloppily from lips tasting like alcohol as Lauren guides her towards the bed, settling her down before pulling the covers over her.

"Yeah, baby?" she asks softly, sitting on the edge of the bed, tucking Camila's hair behind her ear. Camila smiles lazily at her, her eyes drooping at the corners as her lips tilt upwards.

Her words are spoken sloppily, but they come out clear as day anyway.

"I'm going to marry you one day."

Lauren's heart skips countless beats. She hears her own breath hitch, feels the butterflies awaken in the pit of her stomach. She wets her lips, readying her reply, but Camila cuts her off when she carries on.

"Before you," she starts, eyes still looking at her with a lazy gaze. She tilts her head, snuggles the side of her face more into the pillow and Lauren can't help but trace the sharp line of Camila's jaw with the tips of her fingers, "marriage was stupid. People just end up like my parents, and I didn't want that." In her drunken haze, Camila doesn't bother to hide how her voice cracks, she doesn't mask it, doesn't put up a façade. "But  _you_ \- you came in and-  _I'm going to marry you one day, Lo."_

Lauren doesn't say anything, simply continues tracing soothing patterns into Camila's skin until the younger of the two drifts off into sleep.

She doesn't say anything, but she finds herself smiling into the goodnight kiss she presses to Camila's lips, she doesn't say anything, but she finds herself dreaming of churches, bridesmaids and flower girls. 

 

After the stress of their fourth year comes to an end, Lauren graduates with Magna Cum Laude in International Relations and Camila finishes with Summa Cum Laude in Music  _(having dropped Literature in her third year, finding juggling the two to be too difficult)._ When their families come to L.A for the ceremony, Lauren offers to take Sofi along with her siblings around the city, sensing Sinu wanting some quality time with her daughter.

She's grown close to the other Cabellos over the years, and she's learned over the several heart-to-hearts that she and Sinu have shared that the woman misses her daughter. And Lauren knows Camila, and so she knows that Camila misses her mother just as much.

When she comes back to the apartment - Chris and Taylor already back at their Airbnb -  with Sofi carrying bags of new clothes and new books and new everything, she hears soft, airy laughter echo through the walls, finds Camila and her mother sitting on the couch, chatting animatedly like old friends catching up and sharing secrets once more. Lauren can't help her smile.

The night before the graduating ceremony, they host a dinner with all the girls and their families - which, logistically speaking, is a mess. They failed to account that their apartment is made for two people to stay in  _(well, three ever since Ally moved in),_  and failing to remember that Dinah's family  _alone_ is a party of at least a dozen, and so, their little dinner becomes a party.

Their tiny kitchen is hectic with all five girls manoeuvring around the space, Normani going in and out to make sure all the food is served outside, while mostly Ally busies herself with the cooking. By the end of the night, the five of them are beat, deciding to leave cleaning up to tomorrow.

They have their last sleepover with the five of them that night. It's bittersweet. They all talk about everything and anything - about boys, about girls, about films and series, about the latest stupid thing Dinah's done - but eventually, the inevitable talk of  _what's next_ does come. In under a week, they'll be dispersed all over the country, and simply the thought of that on its own is jarring. Camila curls up into Lauren as they talk about their futures, and although the two of them will still only be 20 minutes away from each other, the thought of the rest of the girls not being a drive away is clearly getting to Camila.

"You  _really_  think this is the end of our  _squad_?" Dinah's the one to ask, incredulous look on her face that she shoots at Camila. " _Bish_ , when you two get married," she points between Camila and Lauren, and Lauren can't help but blush at her words, "I'll be wherever your gay asses are at. And you can bet that I'll be the maid of honour, planning y'all the most rainbow-filled bachelorette party ever."

And as always, Dinah does well to lighten the mood, a smile cracking on Camila's lips as soft laughter falls from them.

They fall asleep in the living room - Lauren and Camila cuddled up into one corner of the couch and sharing a blanket, Dinah giving up her spot on the other side for Normani to take, settling instead in the beanbag by the armchair that's become Ally's bed for the night. All of them wake up at the crack of dawn with kinks in their necks, groggy and grumpy as they help clean up the apartment from the night's dinner party.

By ten, they're all getting ready for the ceremony respectively, though keeping each other updated with ample snaps. In their apartment, Ally's the first one to be ready, then Lauren, and finally Camila. Since Camila's  _completely_ useless at her own makeup, it's Lauren who does it for her. She'd be annoyed if it were anyone else, but staring  _this_ close to such a beautiful face?  _Yeah,_ Lauren could do this for  _days_.

Their ceremonies aren't at the same times, Dinah's and Normani's together in one building after noon, Camila's and Ally's in another later on, and Lauren's even later in the day. But they manage to sneak into each one of their graduations, screaming out and cheering obnoxiously as their names get called and they walk across the stage and Lauren pities the graduation reader when she stumbles on Dinah's name, looking embarrassed when she'd stuttered over it, which to be fair,  _anyone_ would if the name was  _Dinah Jane Milika Ilaisaane Hansen Amasio._

When it's finally later, when  _Lauren Michelle Jauregui Morgado_ is finally called out and she crosses the stage, she can barely contain the wide grin she wears as she hears the voices of her friends and family - most distinctly, Dinah's, Camila's and Chris's. 

Despite the relief of  _finally_ graduating, of finally being done with college, their goodbyes are tearful and emotional. They say goodbye to their school that's become their home for the past four years, to their apartment that they've shared so many great memories together in, and they say goodbye to girls who have become sisters.

Unsurprisingly, it's Ally that cries the most. But,  _surprisingly,_ Normani comes in as a close second.

They have their emotional goodbyes, the kisses they press to each other's cheeks wet and salty with tears, words of  _'I love you'_ and  _'Visit soon, okay?'_ muttered through teary eyes.

Lauren and Camila get on their flight trailing behind their families with their fingers intertwined, leaving behind their lives for the past four years and it's then that it really dawns upon them that a new chapter is beginning. 

 

The chapter starts off slow, almost as if the author of their lives intend to ease them into it. It starts with Lauren and Camila adjusting to working life, to  _real_ adult life as they search for their own place together - somewhere close enough to both their houses because they're both family-oriented girls who really can't go a week without their mothers' cooking.

It starts off with exciting opportunities and new experiences and Ikea dates to fill up their apartment. It starts with Camila writing more and more between her part-time job at the local studio and Lauren feeling more and more inspired with what she sees on the daily at the NGO she works for. Their place is filled with things that are just them - the music corner where a cheap keyboard sits next to the guitar that's propped against the wall, their little shelf of books that are both Camila's and Lauren's combined, their stock of instant food in the fridge because  _work is tiring, okay?_

They fall into their own domestic pattern, taking turns doing laundry and cleaning up and cooking (when there's the time and energy). At least once a week, they go to either the Cabello's or the Jauregui's, treating themselves to their mothers' food. It's a comfortable routine they have going on, one that both Lauren and Camila can see themselves getting used to for the foreseeable future.

But like every story, there must be a turning point.

It comes with the e-mail that Lauren receives on a Wednesday after work. She comes home, presses a greeting kiss to Camila's cheek before settling comfortably on the couch, laying her head on her girlfriend's thigh. A chime sounds out from the speakers of her phone, and when she checks the notification it's a name she's not too familiar with, but when the subject reads  _'UNHCR Livelihoods Unit Interview'_ Lauren shoots right back up, swiping at the e-mail and unlocking her phone immediately.

 _"Oh my God, oh my God!"_ falls from her lips in quick succession.

"What is it, baby?" Camila asks, lips quirked in the corners, just as excited for Lauren as she is.

 _"I got it! I got it!"_  Lauren waves her arms animatedly and Camila can't help but smile at the sight Lauren makes.

"Context, Lo - context would be appreciated," she teases.

"Remember I applied for that opening for the UN Refugee Agency?" she asks and Camila nods, "I got an interview!" she tells her excitedly, and now it's not just her alone flailing excitedly about.

Camila's arms come around her, her hold tight and Lauren swears she can feel the happiness from Camila's bones. "Baby! I'm so proud of you!"

Lauren flushes at that, her emotions coming down. "I mean... it's just an interview for now."

 _"For now,"_ Camila repeats. "Once they talk to you, once they hear your passion - they'd be stupid to not give you the job."

"You think?"

"Lo, I  _know_ this," she says with such confidence that Lauren herself believes it. "Now go reply the e-mail already!"

She does and the interview is set for the week after via Skype.

She  _kills_ the interview -  _crushes_ it.

And so, the turning point comes when she gets the e-mail saying she's got the job. The turning point comes when she realises the office is in Washington, DC. 

She refuses to take it. She's not leaving her home, she's not leaving Camila.

But Camila knows Lauren. She knows her like the back of her own goddamn hand and she knows how excited she was about the job, how passionate she is about the cause.

"You can't stay for me," is what she tells her.

There are already tears in Lauren's eyes even before she speaks. "I can't- I just- I'm choosing  _you_ , Camz. You need to know that I  _want_ you."

Camila shakes her head, tucks the loose stands of hair behind Lauren's ear. "It's not one or the other. You can still have me and have the job of your dreams, Lo- the job and our relationship aren't exclusive of the other."

"But I can't- I can't leave you."

 _"Lauren,"_ she presses, willing for her to listen, "You're going to resent me-" she says, continuing on before Lauren can argue, "if you don't take this job. This is your  _future_ , okay?"

"You're my future, Camila- I don't care about-"

"You  _do_ care- you do, you're just too stubborn to admit that."

"You  _said_ you were going to marry me, you  _said_ -"

"And I stand by what I said!" Camila cuts her off. "I  _am_  going to marry you, Lauren Jauregui. And you  _are_  going to take the job. Those two things do  _not_ contradict each other."

"But long distance  _never_ works," Lauren argues, still set on staying, still set on choosing Camila.

"Then  _we'll_ make it work," Camila tells her. "Do you trust me?" she asks,  _'Of course, I trust you,'_ on Lauren's tongue as Camila continues, "And I trust you."

"We'll make it work," Camila says and that's final.

The next morning, Lauren sends the e-mail saying she accepts their offer.

 

It takes her time to adjust, but she loves it. She loves the job, she loves the people, she loves everything about it. But she doesn't love that the woman she loves is about a thousand miles away in an apartment that's supposed to be  _theirs._

They Skype every day and Camila's always showing her new songs she's written and Lauren tells her about all the people of different backgrounds and colours and lives that she meets.

Long distance is hard, but they're working with it.

The first month goes by without a hitch. Missing her hurts, but aside from that, they're just as strong as before.

But by midway through the second month, Camila tells her that she's moving back into her mother's house.  _It's lonely,_ she says and Lauren nods. She understands that, but that was their first place together -  _properly,_ not like some their apartment during college - and she hates that just like that- it's gone. She doesn't say anything about it though. She knows Camila's job doesn't cover an apartment made for two people and she knows how, as introverted as Camila is, she needs someone to  _talk to_ (like,  _really talk to)_ at the end of the day.

They go three months when they have their first real fight. Lauren's been busy and Camila's just as, but neither one want to take the blame for who doesn't have time for the other. Their voices rise over the call, Lauren yelling about how Camila could just let go of their  _home_ just like that, Camila yelling back how she has  _no one_ in Miami while Lauren's carving out a life for herself in Washington DC, how she feels like she's going nowhere in her career. Her emotions get the best of her and she spits out words she doesn't even really believe.

"Well, that's your fault then, isn't it?"

The line goes silent after that and Lauren doesn't hear from Camila for three days.

She calls her first, and when Camila picks up, her voice is small and tired, her eyes empty.

"I'm sorry," Lauren's the one to say it, but Camila just shakes her head softly.

"You weren't wrong. I'm just- what the hell was I thinking to take a degree in  _Music?_ I'm not going to get anywhere," she says, words so defeated that it stings Lauren's heart. "My  _father_ was right- why couldn't I just have done a professional degree? I just- baby, I'm stuck and I really don't know what to do."

Lauren takes a deep breath. She wants more than anything to reach out and pull Camila into her arms.

 _"Camz,_ I didn't mean what I said- I swear. I'm your number one fan, remember? You just need to keep writing and keep creating and keep on performing and you'll get a breakthrough, okay? I swear to you, you will."

"It doesn't feel like it, sometimes."

"I know- I know. I'm going to come back this weekend, okay?" she reveals, heart skipping at the sight of how light returns to Camila's eyes. "I'm flying in on Friday, right after work and I'll take Monday off, but I'm coming home to see you and we'll work through this together, okay?"

Camila nods, small smile coming to the corners of her lips and she whispers an  _'I love you'_ to Lauren and just like that, everything becomes alright again.

 

There's the turning point, and then there's the tipping point.

The tipping point happens six months after she starts her job. She's loving it. Being on the Livelihoods unit, she gets to talk to the refugees, hear their troubles and try to help them as best as she can. She thinks of projects that'll help refugees find work, she thinks of how to help them keep themselves afloat.

But Camila isn't as lucky. Gig after gig and she doesn't get picked up. She sends the songs she writes into studios, towards producers, but it's just another dead end. Lauren watches how it takes a little bit out of her each time she gets rejected and she doesn't know what to do. She has no connections in the arts and it kills her that she's just standing idly by.

So, she stops telling Camila about how her days are, about how much she loves her job because as much as Camila  _is_ happy for her, Lauren can see the tinge of envy in her eyes and in how she bites at her bottom lip.

It doesn't help their relationship, especially not when Camila spits out how she thinks Lauren's pitying her, and not when Lauren snaps about how Camila could even think that way. It's blown up into another fight and they don't talk for a week.

The week stretches into two, then three and the tipping point comes as an unspoken break between the two of them with neither one willing to be the bigger person to reach out. 

Dinah's the one to call her. They all still keep in touch, but when she sees Dinah's name flash across her screen, the  _answer/decline_ buttons below it, she's taken back.

"What the hell's going on with you two?"

That's all it takes for Lauren to finally break. "I don't think it's working out," she says through shaky words. It's the first time she's said it out loud, the admission a secret that's been burning at the tip of her tongue for the longest time.

She hears the gasp Dinah lets out on the end of her line. "What- wait- you guys aren't going to break up are you?  _Fuck_ \- Laur-"

_"Dinah-"_

"No- it can't happen. You guys are  _it_ ," Dinah argues, "You're the one couple in the show that stays together- you're the  _Chandler and Monica_ , you're the  _Marshall and Lily_. If you two- if you two end things- I won't believe in love!"

 _"Dinah..."_  Lauren sighs, "We're not breaking up," she says, prays it, "I just don't think long distance is working for us."

"So, what're you going to do?" Dinah asks, and Lauren can just picture how her brows are furrowed in concern.

She lets out a long breath.

"I don't know."

 

It takes two more days of silence, but the half-second before she taps the  _call_ icon under  _'princess',_ a text from Camila comes in and Lauren reads  _'you free to talk?'_ before her thumb touches the phone button.

When Camila picks up, she says, "That's gotta be the fastest response time ever."

Lauren's laugh is soft. She's missed Camila's voice more than anything. (She'll willingly admit to playing all the songs of Camila's that she's sent her over the years on repeat to put herself to sleep.) "I was going to call you already when you texted."

"I miss you," Camila says. Her voice is soft and low and Lauren feels the tears welling in her eyes already. "Lo, I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, baby," her voice cracks as she says it.

"Long distance is really hard," Camila says what's on Lauren's mind. "This is so much harder than I expected. I just want you to come home to me and I just want you to be at my gigs like before. I just want to go back to college."

"Yeah... it was easier then, huh?"

She hears how Camila swallows her breath, how she's probably nodding her head. "I don't think I can do long distance anymore, Lo."

Lauren's own breath catches in the back of her throat, her heart stops.  _"Camz..._ Please don't do this- I love you, I-"

"No, Laur-" she hears Camila cut her off and her heart sinks to her stomach, fearing the worst, but then, "I'm not saying we break up- I'm just saying I can't do long distance, so..."

"So...?" Lauren repeats, unclear of what she's saying.

"I hear the arts scene in Washington is one of the best in the country."

Her heart starts beating again.

"Camila!"

There's a light, happy laugh that she hears on Camila's end of the call. "I'm going to miss Sofi and my mom and I'm going to miss going over to your house for Clara's food and Chris' bullshit, but- I miss you more."

"You're serious right? You're coming here?  _You're really coming?"_

"I am," she says and the two words sound like the God's choir's just blessed her. "I just got my paycheck and I dug up a little bit of my savings from all my summer jobs, and I'm going to be with you, okay?"

Lauren doesn't even care that she's crying at work during her lunch hour. She doesn't care that her colleague is looking at her concerned. All she cares about is, and always will be Camila.

This is their resolution, and then a new chapter begins. 

 

"Lo, where's my purse?"

She turns back into their room, grabs the purse off the top of their drawer before heading right back out.

"Got it," she says as she hands it to Camila who's looking frantically around for something. "I have the keys and your phone," Lauren tells her and Camila lets out a breath of relief.

"What would I do without you?" she grins, pressing a quick kiss to Lauren's lips before she takes her phone.

Lauren just shakes her head, soft smile on her lips. "Let's not find out, yeah?"

Camila shines her the brightest smile. "Love you."

"Yeah, yeah," she says playfully. "C'mon, we better go, if not you'll be late. We don't want your fans waiting on you."

A light flush rises in Camila's cheeks. "I don't have fans," she mumbles.

"Um,  _one,_ " Lauren starts, pointing to herself, "I beg to differ. And two, your followers have grown so much in the last couple weeks, so  _they'd_ beg to differ. But c'mon, get your pretty butt out this door and into the car, will you?" she pesters, trying to usher her towards the door, but Camila just continues shuffling around. "Okay, what's going on?"

Camila looks at her confused, then when she seems to remember that they've been together for four years now and that Lauren knows Camila just as well as Camila knows Lauren, she admits, "I'm nervous for today."

A gentle smile grows on Lauren's lips. "Babe, you're amazing, okay? You've been working on this book for like the last two years. It's finally paying off. Don't be nervous- be excited, okay?"

But Camila only pouts. "What if they don't like it?"

"Then they're stupid," is Lauren's simple answer, choosing to drag Camila along with her out the door. "The  _Camila Cabello fanclub's_  waiting for you."

"Oh,  _shut up,"_ Camila rolls her eyes playfully. 

 

When they make it to the bookstore for the launch, Camila's the one who shuts up at the sight of Dinah, Normani and Ally greeting her by the door.

Lauren has to touch up her makeup after their little embrace, Camila's tears having smudged her eyeliner.

Lauren doubles up as both her makeup artist, as well as her manager  _(oh, and like her fiancée too, but anyway-)_ guiding Camila to finally enter the  _Barnes and Noble_. They have a little set up in the corner, Camila's books all neatly arranged on the table, while some thirty odd people sit around in the chairs organised in tidy rows flip through their own copies of the book,  _'camila cabello'_ printed in a small, clear font at the bottom of the cover, and above it, in larger text:  _'para ella.'_

She's watched Camila work tirelessly over this collection of poems, scrapping and adding new ones every now and then, refusing to submit it to her publishers until she was a hundred percent confident with her work. She's witness Camila coop herself in her room, refusing to leave her laptop and journal until she perfected a piece. She's seen all that, and so it's no shock how a flush of pride courses through her blood at the sight of Camila's tireless efforts finally turning into something palpable and tangible.

"This is happening," she hears Camila whisper to herself. Lauren squeezes Camila's hand in hers and sends her a reassuring smile.

"Go kill it," Lauren grins before she softly pushes Camila towards her seat.

Lauren moves to stand where the girls are, just by the side of the row of chairs that Lauren proudly notes are filled, with a couple other people loitering nearby. She watches with a soft gaze as Camila settles herself down, how she takes a sip from the bottle of water that's been provided.

 _"Wow,"_ Lauren hears. There's a woman, by the looks of it just a couple years younger than them, sitting with her group of friends with Camila's book in her hands, "she's pretty too."

Lauren chuckles to herself at the comment, stifles her laughter even more when she watches Normani join the conversation, whispering conspiratorially,  _"I hear she sings really well too."_

The girls nod in amazement, muttering how jealous they are of her talents and Lauren only smiles proudly to herself.

But then she hears Camila's voice speak up, the soft, raspy sound of it never failing to catch Lauren's breath.

"Um," Camila starts, and Lauren would think that with all the performing she does, she'd at least be  _a little_ less awkward in these scenarios, but it's really just another thing Lauren adds to the list of what she loves about Camila. "Hi. I'm- uh, Camila Cabe- _you know what?_ Let's just stick with Camila, yeah?"she decides instead and there's a soft echo of laughter from the audience. "So, I wrote this," she introduces and Lauren bites on her smile as she shakes her head gently while Camila points excitedly at her book. "It took me like...  _years_  and about half a dozen publishers to get here, but I'm here now and...  _wow."_ Bubbles of laughter fill the space, everyone eating up Camila's dorky personality. "I  _swear_ I'm more eloquent than this, because, well, I  _did_ manage to write a book of poems," she says with an endearing confident shrug of her shoulders, then quickly adding, "I mean, it could actually really suck, but...  _yeah."_

"She's a mess," Dinah laughs, playfully hiding her face behind her hands, faking embarrassment. 

"Anyway, these poems are very close to my heart. They're poems and short stories of everything in my life- there's my culture that's a huge part of me, there's my family, and there's who inspired most of the book:  _her."_

Lauren's eyes almost immediately fall to her own feet, unwilling to meet the gazes of everyone who's followed where Camila's pointing.

"I'm not going to talk about how much I love her or how all the colours have become brighter since she's come into my life or how she means everything and more to me because you'll be able to read that in my words, but I will tell you that mostly everything I write is about her, that I asked her to marry me-"  _cue the chorus of 'Aww!'s_ "- about three months ago with a poem I asked her to proofread for me, that I wouldn't be here without her." There's another set of cooing that echoes through and Lauren can  _feel_ the heat rise in her cheeks.

"This book, like everything I write, is for her. So, I thought this was an apt title," Camila says, pointing to the text on the cover of her book. "Well, I've been talking a lot and I'm pretty sure I should be halfway through the poems by now, so... this is  _'para ella.'_

 

Camila clears her throat, halfway through reading the  _title_  of her opening poem, she cuts herself off.

 _"Oh right!_ The beautiful illustrations in here are all drawn by my  _beautiful_ fiancée there," she tells them proudly, Normani cheering at that and Lauren ducking her head once more, flushing in embarrassment.

 _Then,_ she  _finally_ starts. 

 

The moment her session comes to an end, there's a burst of applause. Even from where she stands, she can see the pink in Camila's cheeks.

She thanks everyone profusely - her editor, her publisher, Lauren  _repeatedly_ , everyone for coming, and in true Camila fashion, just before she wraps up, she manages to slip in,  _"By the way,_ I'm performing a couple songs by the bar down the street tonight at around nine, and if you love what I do and want me not to be broke and homeless, please do come!" before she skips off towards where Lauren and the girls are standing.

Ally's the one that engulfs her in a hug first, murmuring how proud she is of her into the embrace. Mani does the same, raving over her favourite poems and ranting over  _'the amount of emotions you made me feel!'._ Dinah, on the other hand, says,  _"Pshh, I guess you aite, Cabello,"_ with a playful eyeroll that Camila ignores before wrapping her arms tight around Dinah's waist.

By the time it's Lauren's turn, Camila's beaming, her bones thrumming and there's an indescribable joy that flushes through Lauren at the sight of Camila.

"I'm so proud of you," Lauren smiles into the kiss, swipes her thumbs across Camila's cheekbones. "I'm so fucking proud of you, baby."

Her brown eyes sparkle, twinkling in the light, looking into Lauren's with such a gentle gaze. "Thank you for everything," she says, her words barely above a whisper, a secret between just them two. "Thank you for being my constant, thank you for loving me.

"Thank you for letting me write songs about you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, now this story is for real done. hope y'all like it and are satisfied. thank you so much for reading.


	7. take two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have problems with letting go.
> 
> p.s: this (definitely last) part will probably make more sense if you go through the whole story to refresh your memory!

**_part i_ **

 

There's the distinct smell of burning nicotine in the air, and Camila instinctively crinkles her nose. She just wanted a breath of fresh air since being cooped up in the library all day, seeking refuge in her usual corner that no one else usually disturbs, but now there's someone else here and they're smoking too and it's  _already_ a shitty day what with everything going on in the world.

She doesn't like to be a negative person- she's quite the opposite really. There's too much  _shit_ in the world for her to add to that, but she might be on her last nerve here.

She rounds the corner, ready to give whoever it is some major side eye or a dirty look or- or, or  _something, anything,_ but then a voice snaps out and Camila turns right back around, hiding behind the concrete wall.

 _"It's fucking_ ridiculous!" she hears then, the voice seething, and Camila's almost terrified for both her and whoever the person is talking to.

She dares to peek from her spot, and Camila takes back everything negative she's ever thought.

This girl... She's unbelievably beautiful, Camila thinks. She only sees her side profile, but that's enough for Camila to acknowledge the beauty of the girl standing there, leaning against the wall with her hand running frustratedly through dark, dark locks. Her eyes get caught on the curve of her nose, the line of her jaw, the slight plump of her cheek, the red of her lips.

She doesn't believe in love in first sight. Camila may be a hopeless romantic, but she draws the line there. She doesn't think anyone is able to fall in love based off one look, but  _shit,_ she definitely believes in undeniable attraction.

And Camila's undeniably attracted to her.

An annoyed groan is what shakes Camila out of her little stalker-ish trance, pulling herself back to where she's completely hidden.

"Just tell me this is all one sick dream and I'll wake up and she'll be president please," Camila hears, and as much as her words bring Camila back to reality, back to what life is  _now_ , her lips can't help but crack a subtle smile at the sound of that. Beautiful?  _Check._ Not a Drump supporter?  _Check._ And it might make her standards pretty low, but that all but marks off two thirds of her requirements in a crush. "Better yet," the girl carries on, "I'll wake up and  _Bernie's_  president."

 _Okay,_ Camila thinks,  _this girl can_ not  _possibly get any more perfect._

"And Florida!" she cries out, "A quarter of us are the exact people hewants to  _deport_! It just-  _fuck, now I'm tearing up in anger."_

A sudden flush of guilt rushes through her. She's been listening in on  _(she thinks 'eavesdropping' would be a too-strong word here)_ a conversation that's not meant for her ears, and she can't help but feel bad, especially now that the perfect, raven-haired goddess is in tears.

Then, just on time, she feels her phone vibrate in her hold. The screen lights up, and under  _allycat_ reads:  _Your study break's gone on for far too long!! As the resident mom in your college life I demand you get your butt back here and suffer with me!!_

She lets out a muted laugh, shaking her head at Ally's words as she types out a reply.

She needs to leave, but the only way towards the library doors is past the girl who's still going on her rant that Camila's decided to have the decency to tune out of.

She takes a deep breath.  _You just have to walk past her, and act like you're doing just that! Walking past her!_ she tells herself, and with a confident nod, she lets her feet move her, one step ahead of the other.

On the girl's part she's too engrossed in her phone call that she doesn't even react to Camila passing her, eyes simply trained on the floor as her other hand is busy with the burning cigarette that's held between her two fingers.

She tries, she really does- but temptation wins when Camila sneaks the shortest of glances and she practically has to force her neck to twist back around, disallowing herself from getting too caught on the girl's looks.

When she finds Ally back in their spot, she notes that, "You're all flushed!" with concern in her brows as she whispers it out. "Don't tell me you tried to chase down a cute puppy again," Ally says, already shaking her head.

For a second, she's transported back to that one time _(okay, maybe those two ti—those_ three  _times)_ she raced down two blocks after someone, all with the sole purpose of patting their dog, but it only lasts a second because the girl- the  _goddess_ is still occupying half her mind.

She doesn't tell Ally though.

It's just a little crush, just a fleeting moment of being awestruck by a beautiful stranger.

Camila lets out a breath, and she lets it go. 

 

 **_ UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 4 hrs _

_#UCLACrush532_

_the girl in the library today sitting with two of her (also finee af) friends with the piercing green eyes and the black hair and black jacket and black combat boots, you’re really really pretty and beautiful and not to be a stalker, but i saw your The 1975 t-shirt and any chance you’d date me?_

_ Shawn Mendes _ _, Serayah McNeil and 10 others liked_

 

She feels the corner of her lip twitch as her eyes skim over the words.  _It's cute,_  she decides.

"Adorable, right?"

Camila turns her head and Hailee's looking at her expectantly, excitedly cooing at the screen. She can't help but smile looking at her friend, and really, who can? Hailee's grin is always bright and cheery and Camila adores how such small things can get her so happy.

"It's cute," she repeats, out loud this time.

"I really hope whoever they are work it out and end up together. It'd make for such a good story, don't you think?"

Camila agrees with a nod and a smile, "Duh," she says, obviously. Just about anyone in her life knows how much she loves a good love story, and so she's inclined to root for this one too.

"Do you think  _we_  have any secret admirers on this page?" Hailee asks before she turns the laptop back towards herself, scrolling through the page as her eyes scan over the myriad of posts.

Camila shrugs, "Maybe," she answers, "For you more likely than me," she adds and Hailee rolls her eyes exaggeratedly at her.  _"Right,"_ Camila starts, voice teasing as she pokes fun at herself, "Because I'm  _sure_ there's totally some guy or gal out there that saw me trip over air in a lecture hall on the way to my seat and thought,  _'Damn, I'd_ so _tap that clumsy ass'."_

"Clumsy,  _phat_ ass," Hailee amends easily with a playful wink she sends Camila's way before bringing her attention back to her screen.

There's a light scoff on the edge of Camila's breath, but even that can't hide the growing grin on her lips. "Anyway, can we  _please_ get back to this goddamn analysis? This damn book is giving me a headache," she groans, flipping open her annotated copy of  _Madame Bovary._

After a couple of seconds of continuing her search through the Facebook page, Hailee finally gives in with a huff and pout before she eventually reaches over the coffee table and grabs her own book. Then with her shining grin, chest puffed out, "Let's ace the shit outta this, then maybe we'll get a secret admirer for killing it at this college game."

_"Lauren,"_ she tries again, letting the name roll over her tongue. She bites down on her lip, but it doesn't stop the corners from tugging upwards.

Camila wishes it weren't cliché as it was, but she swears that when Lauren had turned towards her, eyes looking up to meet hers, Camila  _swears_ her heart stopped even if just for a millisecond, her breath caught, her stomach— _yeah, the whole teen romance novel thing._ It took her exactly a tenth of a second to recognise that she's  _the_  girl outside the library from the other day, from all those weeks ago.

She hadn't thought about her much since then, deciding that their college is huge and with a student population of almost forty-five thousand, they wouldn't cross paths again.

And yet, it just so happens to be that the girl – Dinah Jane, as she'd introduced herself and Camila had almost immediately decided she liked her – that had congratulated her on her performance from the night before, is also best friends with the same girl that had turned Camila into goo just few weeks prior.

She doesn't even realise she's back in her original spot until she feels a nudge against her arm, Ally's whisper asking her, "What's got you all smiley?"

She almost has to shake herself out of it. She only grins brighter though. "Hey," Camila says instead, voice low, and Ally continues looking both mildly confused and partly amused. "Do you think we could not sit at the silent section tomorrow?"

Ally only furrows her brow. But she doesn't prod any further. "Sure, Mila," she says, then smiling. "I'm surprised you lasted this long," she adds, "I know how much you hate not being able to talk," then, with one last quirk of her lips, Ally turns back to her notes.

It takes Camila a few more minutes to get back in the groove, but eventually, she halts all thoughts of how the light in Lauren's eyes shimmer among the green, how her dark tresses cascade like waves off her shoulders, how a rasp had enveloped each of those few words she'd let Camila have the privilege of hearing- and then she dives back into her books.

_"So,"_ Camila starts, swivelling in the chair as Ally lays across her bed, phone held in one hand as her thumb scrolls through. She makes a small sound of acknowledgement and Camila uses that encouragement to continue, "What do you think of the girls?"

Ally's eyes flit up to meet hers. Confusion is evident across her features. "Um," she begins, frown on her forehead, "I mean, they're a little small," she says and now it's Camila that's left puzzled, "But I think you're perfect the way you are, Mila."

It takes three seconds for the gears in her head to shift, connecting the dots of Ally's words and how her glance had flitted for the shortest of moments to Camila's chest and—

 _"Ow!"_ Ally yelps, affronted look on her face as she rubs at the spot on her arm that Camila had reached over to slap. "You asked!"

"I meant  _Dinah, Normani and Lauren! The girls!"_ she clarifies, this time adding extra emphasis on the last word. "And when have I  _ever_ referred to  _my boobs_  as  _'the girls',_ Ally!"

Ally shrugs nonchalantly, "I don't know, maybe you wanted to try something new. You know I'd support you for anything."

And it's things like that that Ally says which makes Camila melt at how sweet a single person can be. "I appreciate that, Als," she finds herself with a soft smile on her face, "But,  _anyway...?"_

"I like them," she answers. "Dinah's hilarious and Normani's secretly really sweet, and Lauren's a bit quiet but I can tell she's really nice."

"Yeah?" Camila questions, quirking brow. At Ally's hum, she lets out a breath, "That's good- cause I thought she was just being really reserved with like... just me- and I'd hate if she didn't like me."

"Mila!" Ally scolds and Camila jumps the slightest bit, not expecting the tone, "How can anyone not like you?"

 _For like a billion different reasons,_ Camila thinks to herself, biting on her lip.

"And Lauren probably just doesn't know us yet- but even today she talked a little more than yesterday, so that's got to be something, right?"

She nods vaguely.

She zones out for a second, insecurities rising in her that she only catches the latter part of Ally's sentence, "...really pretty, don't you think?"

She nods fervently. "She's  _so_ pretty. And her eyes? Her  _eyes, Ally!_ They're  _so_  green!I don't understand how one person can look so beautiful and  _wow,_ she really works the nose ring and—"

"I kind of meant Normani, but..." Ally trails off, then, with a smug smirk growing from the corners of her lips as a rising blush forms on Camila's cheeks, " _Some_ one has a crush."

"I- I just think- she-" Camila stutters out. "She's pretty, okay? No point denying that. It's  _fact,"_ she manages. "But I don't have a crush- I just think she's really attractive."

Ally nods, knowing curve to her lips.

"Sure, Mila. If you say so."

 

The moment she steps out of the cab, after the goodbye hug that Lauren had pulled her into, the scent of airplanes and something distinctly  _Lauren_  invading her senses, after she watches the vehicle disappear down the road after the corner with the feel of Miami air enveloping her skin, she rushes into the house, drags her luggage up the stairs and lands straight on her bed.

She pulls out her phone, fingers moving faster than her heart is beating.

_okay maaaaaaybe I do have a tiny little mini crush on lauren_

_just maybe_

Ally's reply comes barely a half minute later.

**_Told you so._ **

She has it planned to a tee. Every stop, the route-  _everything_. She doesn't know why she's putting in so much effort into today.  _(She does know.)_ It's  _just_ Lauren.  _(Lauren's never_ just  _anything.)_ She's totally going to be cool about it.  _(She already knows she's going to be an awkward mess.)_

After her pep talk from Ally, after she revises the whole plan in her head over and over again on the drive over, after she takes a few deep breaths, she texts Lauren that she's outside her house.

It takes seeing her for Camila to reconsider her plans. Then it takes Lauren stuttering out a,  _"You look... nice too,"_ for all her plans to be thrown out the window  _(figuratively)._  She's going to play it by ear and just see how it goes, she decides.

"I hope you're hungry," Camila tells her as she pulls out from the Jauregui driveway. "'Cause I'm bringing you to my absolute favourite place."

Lauren only smiles that bashful smile of hers, the breath-taking one that gets Camila's insides all mushy and gooey, but she pushes that aside, instead, pulling her into conversation about anything and everything.

She's learned that with Lauren, words come easy – easier than they already do. There's a constant flow of conversation between them since they've started  _properly_ hanging, and even when the moments are quiet between them, it's a silence that she revels in, comfortable and comforting.

Camila kind of overdoes it. She brings Lauren to just about every one of her favourite food places, but aside from the several food comas Lauren has to recover from, there aren't any complaints.

It's at a café – the one she used to frequent in her senior year, earning the title as resident customer as she studied for her SATs there every day – between ordering and waiting for their coffees, that she excuses herself to the bathroom.

Leaning against the sink, she pulls her phone out, looks under  _Favourites_ and taps on the second contact there.

_"Hello?"_

Her grin is involuntary, her lips simply reacting to the voice. "Hi there, princess."

 _"Hi, Kaki,"_ she hears Sofi reply, the excitement in her voice making her smile stretch wider.  _"When are you going to come home? I miss you already."_

Her heart flutters at her sister's words. "I might be a little bit late tonight. _Please_ don't wait up for me, Sof," she says, expecting nothing but the groan that Sofi lets out. "But you'll have me the whole of tomorrow, and the day after that, and after that, okay?"

She hears a resigned sigh from the other end of the line and she almost caves, almost thinks of just asking Lauren to take this little day out to be a day in with her little sister. But then, she knows Sofi's purposely being dramatic, and that she'll handle just fine, as long as she has the TV and her Nintendo DS to keep her company.

"I need a favour though, Sof. Do you think you could help me?" she asks softly.

She hears the hum of thought, and Camila shakes her head to herself at her sister's antics.  _"Hm,"_ she fake-ponders, " _Maaaaybe."_

"How about I ask you first, then you decide, okay?"

_"Okay, Mila."_

"So..." she begins, slightly nervous to even ask her baby sister this. "I'm out with this girl right now," she tells her slowly and Sofi lets out a stretched out  _'Okaayyy...'_ encouraging her to carry on. "And I want to take her to the beach," she adds, "I want to take her to my- your spot. Would that be okay with you?"

 _"Do you_ like _her?"_

She takes a second to think, but ultimately decides to answer, "Yeah, I think I do."

 _"It's you like her, or you don't like her, Mila,"_ Sofi sasses as though it were just as easy as that. (Maybe it is.)  _"Because if you don't_ really  _like her, I don't want her at my spot. But if you do, then that's okay. Because I want to see you happy. And you'll be happy with someone you really like at my spot."_

Camila's breath catches in the back of her throat. There's an overwhelming gush of love that rises through her for her sister. "I don't know if I  _really_ like her,  _yet,"_ she finally answers after a moment of thought. "But I think I could grow to  _really, really, really_ like her. She's already special to me, Sof."

 _"More special than me?"_ Sofi's voice asks and Camila can already hear the sense of jealousy laced between her words.

"Never," she shakes her head, soft smile on her lips. "You're always going to be the  _most_ special to me."

There's a breath of relief from Sofi's end.  _"Okay, kaki. You can bring her,"_ she decides and Camila grins widely at that, ready to thank her sister when she adds,  _"But..."_ before pausing, then finally,  _"You need to let me meet her soon, okay? I need to see that she likes you too."_

Camila thinks back. She knows there's some sort of  _attraction_ Lauren feels towards her. She sees the way her eyes linger, how the soft smile she wears for Camila isn't the same one she has for Ally or Dinah or Normani, how her fair skin tints in pink at the smallest of Camila's compliments. There has to be  _at least_ an attraction, she thinks. But Lauren liking her back... it's hopeful, but she isn't sure about it yet.

She tells Sofi, "Of course, princess," anyway.

_"Okay, I'm going to play Mario Kart now. Bye, Kaki, love you!"_

She only  _just_ manages her  _'I love you too!'_ before Sofi hangs up.

When she steps back out, she takes a moment to marvel at Lauren's beauty. There isn't any way the woman sitting there, sipping her latte, wasn't carved out by the Gods. There isn't any way.

She sits back down, apologises for taking too long that Lauren just waves off.

"I'm really glad we're getting close," Lauren tells her, her eyes just as soft as the smile on her lips. It's all she says, but it's enough.

 

She gets home that night just before midnight. Tiptoeing into Sofi's room, she presses a kiss to her cheek, tucks her leg that peeks out of the blanket back under it. Walking to her mother's room, she turns her bedside lamp off, not before making sure to count the pills on the nightstand, satisfied when she tallies the right amount. She only allows herself a passing glance at the empty space next to her mom, not a moment longer. Squeezing her mother's hand softly, she whispers an  _'I love you, ma'_  before she pads her way quietly out of the room.

When she's finally in her own space on her own, she unlocks her phone, taps on the most recent chat there and types:

_*definite crush._

Ally replies,  _Knew you'd come around to it!!_ not a minute later.

The next semester starts and she's hopeful. The Christmas break was a good stepping stone for  _maybe more_ in the  _Camila/Lauren_ dynamic, and the new year is full of hopeful prospects. Lauren saves more and more of those smiles for Camila, she wears those sparkles in her stares more often than not, and Camila swears she can catches how that stare sometimes gets caught on her lips.

She swears on it.

Then she turns on her laptop and she sees it. 

 

 ** _UCLA Crushes _ **

_ 3 hrs _

_#UCLACrush1721_

_@ green eyes. here’s a reminder that i think you’re more than just like really, really pretty. i’ve heard a couple of your very heated debates and your brain is just as beautiful as you are and that’s like a lot. i swear i’m usually more eloquent than this. you just kind of make my brain go stupid. if you couldn’t already tell, i really like you._

_ Dinah Jane Hansen _ _, Lauren Jauregui and 31 others liked_

**__ **

**_ Lauren Jauregui _ ** _well fuck I think you might just stand a chance 532_

_ 36 Likes_

__

She wishes she could hate whoever it is that's hiding behind 532. She wishes she could yell at Lauren, tell her,  _'I'm right here and I like you! Why are you looking for someone who doesn't even want to be revealed when I'm_ right  _here?'._

She wishes she could, but she's a  _hopeless romantic,_ a sucker for a good love story, even if it's not hers.

So, she forces on a smile and becomes the 37th person to like Lauren's comment.   
  
  


**_part ii_ **   
  
  


"Look, Ralph, I'm sorry, but—" Dinah stops in her tracks. Pausing, she eyes both Camila and Lauren speculatively, the other two girls staring back just the same. "Hi... Mila," she greets, her words stretched long and Camila's really unsure what exactly is happening right now.

She turns in the chair, swivels in the seat as she looks towards Lauren for an answer maybe, but the older girl just shrugs from where she's lying on her stomach on her bed and at least they're on the same boat here.

With the door left wide open behind Dinah after her storming in, the distant chatter from other students walking by wafts through the room, filling up the silence as Dinah remains with a curious look in her eyes.

"Sorry about...?" Lauren prods then.

Camila watches as Dinah visibly shakes herself out of her thoughts. "Well," she starts, "what I was saying was that I'm sorry, but there's  _literally_  no place available for three people- I can only find places for two and—"

"And I'd be crazy to even think that you and Mani are  _not_ going to live together," Lauren finishes for Dinah. Camila finally catches up in the conversation, and she thinks it's a little odd how Lauren doesn't even look remotely hurt that Dinah and Normani are basically kicking her out of their plans to live together. She's so nonchalant when she continues, "It's cool, I can just put out an ad for a roommate on Facebook or something," she shrugs.

Dinah grimaces, "I'm  _real_ sorry—"

"I need a roommate next year!"

Both Dinah's and Lauren's eyes are casted towards her, and she isn't sure why she never even thought about asking to room with one of the girls up till this point.

"Really?" she hears Lauren ask, hears the tinge of excitement that coats the single word and Camila has to bite down on her smile as she nods her head.

"Yeah," she confirms. "I was kinda too lazy to look for roommates after Hailee pulled out, and was going to opt for student housing again, but—"

Her sentence is cut off when strong arms wrap themselves around her, tight enough to halt her speaking. When Dinah pulls away, she wears a relieved expression, letting out a long breath. "You are a Godsend, Camila Cabello," she says, and even at that, Camila blushes. Turning to Lauren, Dinah sends her a pleased smile, "I felt terrible, but now Mila's coming to save the day I feel way less shitty for kicking you out of the  _Nor-ren-ah—_ no," she shakes her head trying again, "the  _Di-man-ren—_ see this was never going to work!"

A grin lights up Lauren's face at that, Camila watching with soft eyes as that laugh falls from smiling lips, teeth shining and eyes crinkling and something bubbles in the pit of Camila's stomach at the sight of it.

"But now!" Dinah continues, proud smile on her face, "This works great because there's the  _Norminah_ house and the  _Camren_ house! Which gives up more places to hang, and with the  _Trolly- okay we need a better name for them –_ house, we have three different spots for girls' nights in!" she announces excitedly, and it must rub off on Camila because she finds her own cheeks numb from grinning too.

Dinah goes on to saying how she's found a couple places for pairs, and that the two of them could send their applications in too. She goes on animatedly about their plans for the  _squad_ will go on next year, and as much as Camila thinks she's going a little too overboard with the whole thing, she doesn't have the heart to stop Dinah.

When she leaves, Lauren lets out a long huff. "Well, that was a  _lot,"_ she grins and Camila's own lips mirror it. It's her favourite smile, Camila decides. The one where Lauren's eyes squint the slightest, her teeth shining brightly, lips stretched wide, looking every bit as carefree as Camila feels looking at her.

She has to force herself to avert her gaze, turning it back to the book she has in her lap, noticing from her periphery how Lauren does the same.

It's another fifteen minutes, another chapter of her book finished later when Lauren speaks up, voice slightly unsure. "You're for real, right?" she asks, and Camila narrows her eyes at the vagueness of her sentence before she continues, "About living with me? I don't want you to feel obligated or anything..." she trails off and the corner of Camila's lips quirk at that.

"Lo," she starts, "You've got to know that by now everything I do with you is because I  _want_ to, and never out of obligation."

There's a trail of rising pink that colours Lauren's face, the rosy tint making her look all the more beautiful, if even possible.

A soft, satisfied,  _"Okay,"_ falls from between plump lips, the smile remaining as she tucks her hair behind her ear, focuses her eyes back to the words on the pages before her.

_Do your work,_ she writes on the margin of Lauren's notebook, the sound of her airy laugh bringing a grin to her own lips.

She sends a Camila a look, then pointedly closes the Tumblr tab she has opened, mouthing a,  _"Satisfied?"_ that Camila nods her head proudly to.

She's acutely aware of Ally's watchful stare on them, but she also makes it a point to not give any attention to it, knowing the moment she meets Ally's eyes, there's going to be a smug glint in them.

_"That's her."_

Dinah's voice forces its way through the moment, Camila's eyes flitting up to meet Dinah who's  _(attempting to)_ subtly pointing between hers and Lauren's shoulders.

"That's her! That's 532!" she whisper-shouts, and with it a sort of dread rises in the pit of Camila's stomach.

Camila can proudly say she only  _hates_ a handful of things, that she could perhaps count them all on one hand, on less than her five fingers probably. Among them are mint ice cream, stilettos and the whole of 2012. But she's greatly considering adding this 532-business onto the list now.

She hates that it's all Dinah talks about, she hates that Lauren's entertaining it, and she especially hates that basically the whole campus ships it.

She never lets it show though, never commenting more than three words or less, worried that her jealousy would be too evident if she does. She's seen how the subtlest blush rises in Lauren's cheeks at the sight of a post and Camila doesn't have the heart to ever make Lauren feel guilty about feeling liked.

By the time both Lauren and Camila turn towards where Dinah's pointing behind them, all she catches is a glimpse of brunette hair, and – speaking objectively – a shapely body.

Jealousy flares in her already at that and she's yet to even see her face.

But she bites on her lip, not letting it show.

"Dinah, I'm pretty sure that's a dangerous stereotype," she hears Ally say, and at the glance she gives Ally's way, she sees the mixed look of concern and curiosity Ally saves for her. Camila sends her a small shake of her head, telling her silently to let it go.

But Dinah never means any harm by her words. She's the last person to ever knowingly hurt Camila, she knows this – but it doesn't hurt any less.

"How many plaid shirts do you have?" Dinah asks, looking to Lauren as Camila tunes back into the conversation.

 _"Uh,_ like four?" Lauren answers and Camila lets out a breathy laugh, already knowing that Dinah's going to turn to her next, already knowing her answer.

"And you?"

And so, proudly, embracing the cliché she is, she replies, "like enough to have a different one to wear for two weeks."

"Point," Dinah starts, a pause, then,  _"proven."_

And with that, four laughs echo from around their table and Camila can't even find it in herself to feel upset anymore.

 

She knew something was wrong when she saw the name flash across her screen. It isn't that she and Marielle don't keep in touch anymore, but a phone call is quite different from a text, and so she already expects the worst when she picks up.

The worst doesn't even prepare her for this.

 _"My dad is still friends with him on Facebook and he was the one who told me, and I'm really sorry, Mila- I just thought you should at least hear from_ som _eone rather than see it being shared on your feed and- are you okay?"_

She blinks away tears, forces out a choked,  _"Yeah,"_ before she makes up some excuse about needing to get to class, rushing out a watery,  _"Thanks,"_ before she hangs up.

She's frozen still for a minute, maybe longer, but when feeling finally returns to her fingertips, she turns straight to the wall and punches it as hard as she can.

A single tear springs from the corner of her eye, then another and another. She's unsure if she's crying from the throbbing in her knuckles or the news, maybe a mixture of both, or maybe it's just from the fact that she's still  _feeling_ about it even after all these fucking years.

 _"His wife— girlfriend just gave birth,"_ Marielle had said.  _"He posted a picture of the baby this morning,"_ Marielle told her.  _"I think her name is Ar—"_ but that's when Camila had cut her off. She couldn't bear to have a name to channel her anger towards.

She hates the disdain she has for a baby- a new born. The kid is not even two days old and Camila can't stand how she feels towards her.

But her insides are numb and she's just so tired of letting this affect her, so tired of wasting tears over a man who couldn't care less.

There's a certain pain rooted deep beneath her breastbone, drilling her way in and through her heart, leaving yet another hole for her to patch up.

She feels nothing and everything at the same time. She feels the hollow void deep in her chest, feels the crescent-shaped indents her nails are engraving into the skin of her palm, feels the buzzing sound of silence around her, the words that fail to come out at the back of her throat.

She doesn't even have it in her to check on her sister or mother. She knows the moment she hears her mother's defeated voice, the second she hears Sofi's confused questions she will break beyond repair.

She also knows that there's no one to pick her up after.

She does what she does best as she rips open her notebook, the worn-out leather soft even under her sweat-cold hands. Words are the only things left that's yet to fail her.

When Ally comes into their room several blacked out thoughts later, the bright greeting on the edge of her tongue distorts into a worried,  _"Mila, what's wrong?"_ at the sight of Camila's sob-swollen eyes.

She presses on a smile, turning to pull Ally into a short, yet strong hug. She chokes on a threatening sob, doesn't allow for it to materialise. She tells her she needs a breath of fresh air, squeezes Ally's hand in hers, pretending not to notice how Ally's concern only heightens at the feel of her clammy palms. She doesn't have the emotional capacity to talk about it today- not ever, maybe.

It  _feels_  like she feels better after her walk. With her sunglasses and hoodie on, she skilfully avoids any acquaintances she could bump into, unsure if she'd be able to play the part of  _fine_ well enough.

But it's movie night, and as much as Camila wants to just curl up in a ball and cry her heart out for the rest of the foreseeable future, she doesn't want to worry the girls. But Normani asks, and it hits her harder than she expects. She's barely even able to focus on the cute moments between Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock.

Her thoughts are racing and Normani's room is suddenly too small, suddenly to full. She can't breathe, her chest tight, her lungs ache. She forces on the best  _normal 'goodbye'_ that she can, but she's sure that even if that act was Oscar-worthy, her abrupt exit would raise a couple questions.

She keeps herself together all through the ten-minute walk back, clenches her fists tight as she wills her legs to move as fast as they can. But once she's in the solace of her room, it all comes out. She sheds a tear for the lively person her mother used to be, now replaced by a shell of a woman; a tear for a normal childhood for Sofi; a tear for his two other kids, for having so much disdain against them for simply being born; a tear for her father and the man she swore he used to be. She doesn't let herself cry for herself. She doesn't have enough tears for that.

At the knock on the door, a certain annoyance rises in her. She'd  _told_ Ally she needed some time to process it, and the process didn't include talking – which is all Ally knows to do to help. Camila knows it comes from a good place, but she can't do that right now.

Even when she opens the door, the sight of Lauren doesn't do much to soothe her.

But Lauren doesn't ask to talk about it. She asks for a walk. Camila recognises that she's offering her a distraction, and as much as Camila wants to write and punch walls till her knuckles bleed, Lauren looks at her with those eyes and right now, they're Camila's salvation.

Lauren doesn't ask. Camila can see that she  _wants_ to, but still she refrains. Instead, she brings her to get fast food, pulling her into conversation about the one time she nearly  _physically_ fought someone because they were spewing hate speech around and the mental image of it is enough for a small smile to break at the corner of her lips.

She finds solace in Lauren's body wrapped up in her arms that night. She's still not okay, it all still hurts, but her breaths aren't as short, her palms not as cold and she thinks that right now, that's enough.

**_part iii_ **

 

As self-deprecating as it sounds, she's conditioned to disappointment.

She learned at the age of fourteen that  _father_ and  _hero_ aren't as synonymous as her eight-year-old self made them out to be. She learned when she was fifteen that parents don't necessarily stay together, no matter how in love they once seemed. When she was sixteen, she learned that as much as a mother might love her daughters, sometimes the pain gets too much and they too want to leave the world.

So she isn't all too surprised when disappointment fills her as she scans through the dingy bar, the search for familiar wild green eyes coming up empty. But strong arms come around her, and she lets out a humourless laugh, shaking her head at Shawn who only grins at her.

"I told you not to come," she raises a brow at him, but the smile on her lips betrays her.

He just slings his arm around her shoulder, huffing out a, "You crazy? As if I was going to miss this."

Camila gazes up at him. She's been so blessed to have someone like Shawn in her life. A part of her wishes her heart wanted him, that it would speed up at the sight of him, that her stomach would do somersaults at the smile he saves for her. It would be so much easier, she knows.

But it doesn't. It's Lauren that her heart beats a quicker staccato to, it's Lauren who the butterflies awake for, it's Lauren who has her head in a constant mess, and it's Lauren who isn't here.

"You're the best," she smiles at him, not even realising the tears that are welling up in her eyes until he uses his thumb to swipe it away.

"No tears," he tells her through that charming grin of his. "You're going to kill it out there, then we'll get some celebratory pizza after, okay?"

In that moment, Camila swears that if she had a love potion, she'd drink it and ensure that Shawn was the first person she saw.

(Somehow, she thinks that even then, her heart would still belong to Lauren.)

Wrapping her arms around his waist she mumbles a genuine,  _'Thank you,'_ the hearty laugh reverberates from his chest through to her as he replies, "Of course, Mila- anything for you."

She blinks away her tears, telling herself that maybe in another world, she could love Shawn the way he deserves.

 

When she gets back that night, Ally interrogates her excitedly about the night, teasing her about the  _'date'_ with Lauren and Camila almost considers lying about it. And when she mumbles out the truth, when shock and anger fills Ally's brown eyes, she knows she probably  _should_  have lied. White lies don't hurt anyone, but with the rage that Ally wears, she's genuinely worried for Lauren's safety.

"It wasn't a big deal," she tells her, "Shawn showed up again, anyway," she reasons weakly but Ally isn't having it. "Maybe I should just date him," she attempts as a joke.

"You  _should._ Shawn wouldn't just  _ditch_  you!" she calls out angrily. "Mila, I love Lauren but I don't think she's right for you," she shakes her head and even those words on their own make Camila's stomach lurch. "You deserve someone who's going to be there at every one of your events and gigs and doesn't care about showing how much they like you! Even  _if_ Lauren does like you, she's too much of a coward to  _properly_ show you!"

A sudden need to defend Lauren rises in her, but she knows that Ally is speaking nothing but the truth and maybe Camila  _does_ have to hear this. But with or without Ally, the truth slaps her across the face when her phone lights up with a notification from the group chat.

_cheechee: BIH WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME US YOU WENT ON A DATE TONIGHT YOU TRAITOR_

_cheechee: OUR FRIENDSHIP IS CANCELLED RALPH_

Her eyes flit over the words over and over again, aware that Ally's currently watching her with a rueful stare having read the same messages.

Then the slap feels like a punch, the nose-breaking type when the next message comes through.

_lolo: oops?_

It's one word but it's enough for Camila lose all hope inside.

_"Mila..."_

She lets out a resigned sigh, then with a humourless laugh on her breath and a nonchalant shrug on her shoulders, "Maybe I should just date Shawn."

 

"How was cla—"

Ally's question gets cut off with the hug Camila wraps her into. Not a second later, Camila's being held back, Ally's palm rubbing soothing circles over her back.

"What happened?" she asks tentatively after a moment of just holding her, the two of them standing in the middle of her their room.

She lets out a shaky breath, takes in a deep one. "I- I walked in on- oh  _God,_ Ally. I don't think my heart has ever hurt that much and- and I just want to  _get over_ her already but it still hurts so much and—"

Her sentence is barely cohesive, but Ally seems to understand if the look on her face is anything to go by.

She continues rubbing soothing patterns over Camila's back, then when they draw apart, "We can't choose who we fall for, Mila," she tells her ruefully. "You can't force yourself to get over her either. You just have to let it happen on its own. Either way, it's  _going_  to hurt. But I'll be—"

 _"Who_  is Mila getting over?"

Camila swivels her head so quickly, looking for the source of the words that she thinks that she might have whiplash from it.

It's Normani that's standing by the door and really, Camila should learn by now to close and lock doors behind her.

Mani looks at them expectantly and in that moment Camila wants nothing more than to crawl under her blanket and hide there for days.

 _"Oh! Mani!"_ Ally's the first one to break the silence. "I forgot you were coming over to grab lunch," she says, trying to play it cool, but all three parties are aware of how miserably that attempt is failing.

"C'mon," Normani continues as she steps deeper into the room, quirking her brow at them, seeing who'd be the first to break, "Who is it?"

She feels backed into a corner under Normani's stare, and Ally must be able to sense it, because despite being much shorter, she steps between them, almost shielding Camila as she defends, "Look, Mani- I don't think you should be forcing her to tell you when she—"

But a surge of courage rises in her when she realises she really has nothing to lose. With or without Normani knowing, Lauren will still have Lucy in her bed and Camila will remain heartbroken either way.

"It's Lauren," she says, surprised by the steadiness in her voice. "I like Lauren,  _a lot_ , and I just walked in on her on top of Lucy and everything hurts. I thought I was okay with her being in a relationship, I thought I could put my  _crush_ aside, but it's more than that. They're overwhelming- my feelings for her. Sometimes I can't even breathe because of what I feel for her." She doesn't falter, doesn't stumble over a single word, and she takes that as her only consolation.

In the next second following her confession, she finds herself with Normani's arms around her, hugging her tight and comforting and already, she thinks she feels a little bit better.

 _"Mila,"_  Normani breathes, "I knew you liked her, but I didn't know it was this serious," she says with an apologetic frown.

"As a heart attack," Camila jokes, but they all see through it.

Normani brings her back into an embrace, squeezes her tight, almost like she was trying to take the hurt away. It doesn't quite work, but it does make her chest feel less tight.

"I'll make sure Dinah tones it down, okay?" Normani promises, nodding her head assuredly and as much as Camila wants to protest, she thinks she'll need it. "But... about Lauren," she starts and Camila already shakes her head.

"It's alright, Mani- I didn't take my chance while I could and now she's with Lucy, so... I'll get over it," she presses her lips into a tight smile.

"No!" Mani stops her and Camila jerks back at the abruptness of that. "I- I mean, I don't think you should give it up. Lauren... she- it's going to take her some time, but I promise you, Mila- there's  _something_  between you two. She's just a bit oblivious and you just... just don't give up on her yet."

She ponders on Normani's words for a moment. On one hand, she already knew that she wasn't going to get over Lauren, not just like  _that_ anyway _,_ and probably not in the foreseeable future, but on the other, she doesn't want to let what Normani says light up a flare of hope if there's nothing to hope for.

Then again, who is she kidding? It's not as if she has a choice in getting over Lauren Jauregui – her heart has that set already.

 

But that little flare of hope turns into a whole forest fire of optimism. It spreads wider and more uncontrollably with each compliment coated in only sincerity that Lauren throws her way, with the swipe of her thumb across Camila's blush, leaving a redder trail in its wake, with the way Lauren's arms come snake around her waist, her skin radiating warmth under Lauren's touch. It comes with Lauren telling her how many times she's listened to Camila's song since she sent it over, with the fact that Lauren  _can't_  possiblybe  _that_ oblivious to her feelings when it's all written and recorded into an mp3 file, e-mailed directly to her.

She swears she sees that  _something_ that Normani had mentioned in the way Lauren's eyes darken when their gazes meet, in the way her lips curl, how her tongue swipes over the pink of them.

Then she sees Lauren's phone light up, sees a call come from Lucy and she's brought back to reality. She knows that for as long as Lauren is with someone else, she would never act on her feelings, despite how overwhelmingly suffocating they are.

Instead, she just presses on a friendly smile and tells Lauren to take the call.

 

"What the hell are you doing?" Normani hisses out the moment they're out of earshot.

Camila furrows her brows. "What?" she asks, puzzled why Normani had just dragged her out of the room so abruptly.

"Why're you being so  _buddy-buddy_ with Lucy, Mila?"

"Oh," she frowns.

"No one's asking you to be nice to her, okay?" Mani tells her, "You can be jealous, you  _can_  not like her."

"But I do like her," Camila answers as simple as that. "She's... nice, I guess. And she's interesting to talk to and I see why Lauren likes her. She's been to all these places and done all these things and she's a lot more interesting than I am, and there's nothing for me to hate," she says. "Plus, she makes Lauren happy," Camila adds. "That's all that really matters."

Normani's gaze softens, the tight line of her lips relaxes. "You're way too selfless, Mila," she tells her. "I'm glad someone like you cares for Laur as much as you do, but you need to put yourself first sometimes. I know I said to keep holding on, but if it hurts too much, you need to put yourself first," she repeats.

Camila flashes her a weak smile. "There are worse things that can happen, Mani," she says with a tinge of sadness. "I've hurt worse before, what's a little bit more heartache, right?"

Mani furrows her brow, concern evident on her face. She seems to know the meaning behind Camila's words when she continues, "You can talk to me about that, you know? About anything. Or... just talk to  _some_ one. I know what it's like wanting to handle things on your own, Mila- but talking also helps. Find someone you'd be comfortable talking to, okay?"

Her eyes flit to the closed door to her right. She thinks of green eyes and a beautiful mind and the sweetest laugh. She thinks of the night Lauren had stolen her away from her thoughts, distracted her with her presence and her attempts at making Camila laugh.

She thinks of Ally, with her loving smiles and her warm hugs and her comforting words. How she's been Camila's rock for past year without even knowing the full extent of Camila's story. She thinks of the nights that Ally has found her with tears in her eyes, how she'd wordlessly pull her into an embrace, hugging the pain away.

She thinks of Dinah and her bright grins, of how she shows her concern with playful jokes yet fierce protectiveness. How when Camila wasn't feeling a hundred percent in the head a couple weeks ago, she'd found Dinah at her door with a box of pizza in her hands and list of movie suggestions to binge.

She turns to Mani who probably understands her on another level, who shows her care through tough love and honest words, who's never felt the need to sugar coat anything for her. Mani, who cares and loves so fiercely that it shines through the hard exterior she puts up.

"I have you guys," she answers. "I might not like to talk about it, but you guys help me a lot. Even with all this Lauren business," Camila starts, soft smile lingering on her corner of her lips, "I don't think I've felt happier, and it's because of you four."

Normani wears the softest of smiles, eyes beginning to tear already. "We love you," she tells her and Camila believes it wholeheartedly. Slinging her arm over Camila's shoulders and pulling her into her side, "We better get back before they suspect anything," she says, then reminds Camila, "But just know that no one's expecting you to Lucy's best friend."

"I know," Camila answers. "But Lucy's actually really amazing and I kind of  _want_ to be her friend, you know?"

Normani smiles. "As long as that's what you want, then okay," she agrees, "I'm here for this weird ass Camila/Lucy friendship."

 

She walks into their room with a smile on her face and her chest puffed out proudly.

"Why're we so happy?" Ally asks, her own lips beginning to mirror Camila's.

Flashing her brightest grin, she plops on the space next to Ally. "Because Allyson, I- Camila Cabello," she begins, building suspense before she finally says, "am finally over Lauren Jauregui."

Instead of the cheering she expects, she only finds a frown on Ally's face. "And... that's a good thing, yeah?"

"I mean..." she furrows her brows, "Yeah? Isn't that what everyone wanted? For me to stop pining over her?"

"But," Ally starts, reaching to place her MacBook off her lap and onto the desk, "are you  _really_  over her, or is this you just trying to convince yourself you are?"

"I- I'm," she stutters out, unsure of how to answer her question. "I mean... I was with her today, and Lucy came up to us and kissed her and it didn't hurt, you know? There wasn't that piercing pain in here," she tells Ally, pressing at the centre of her chest. "I even asked about their date last night and... it doesn't hurt anymore."

Ally only gives her a speculative look, then with a sigh, "Being desensitised doesn't mean you're over her."

"I-"

"Do you still find yourself smiling when you look at her?"

"I mean- who wouldn't? She's so beauti—"

"Do you still get goosebumps when the two of you touch?"

"I- I  _guess—"_

"Do you still find yourself breathless when she smiles at you?"

Camila pauses, sucking on her teeth in thought before ultimately answering,  _"Yeah,_ yeah I do."

"Then I'm sorry to tell you, Mila – you're not over her," Ally concludes.

Realisation hits her and as much as she isn't surprised, she is disappointed. She wishes she were over Lauren, she wishes it were that easy. But she isn't and it isn't and she kind of hates it.

"I just... she keeps sending me all these mixed signals, Ally, and it's getting me so tired trying to figure her out," Camila confesses. "She comes to my gigs and she holds me until I sleep and she listens to me when I talk, laughs when I joke, she thinks I'm 532! Then I blink and Lucy's there and Lucy's getting to kiss her and hold her hand and I  _want_ to hate her, you know?" she says, tears already building in her eyes, "But it's not her fault she's dating my crush. And then Lauren... she  _must_ know how I feel, I'm not subtle, Ally- I'm really not. I looked at her all through my song, but she still doesn't get it and the only conclusion I can come to is that she just doesn't feel the same. And I think that part hurts the most."

Ally reaches over and wipes away a falling tear. "I'm sorry, Mila," Ally apologises, biting her lip, "I didn't mean to make you cry, but- but I think it's better to acknowledge how you're feeling than pretending."

Camila nods. She musters a weak smile. "But pretending hurts less."   
  
  


**_part iv_ **

 

 _"Camz,"_ she hears being hushed out distantly. It's the soothing circles being drawn on the back of her hand that wakes her though, and when she peeks her eyes open, when the bleariness of sleep fades away, she finds her hand still in Lauren's, her thumb painting patterns against her skin. "We're here," Lauren tells her with a toothy grin after Camila yawns sleepily.

"Already?" she murmurs hazily, but her body still reacts fully to Lauren's soft laugh, the hair on the nape of her neck rising at the sound of it.

"Yeah," Lauren nods, then tugging on Camila's hand, "C'mon, sleeping beauty."

Camila only rolls her eyes playfully.  _"Beauty_ is the last word I'd use to describe the state I'm in right now."

She watches as Lauren's eyes flit over her. "No," she shakes her head, "I'd still use it."

Camila's sure the blush that colours her cheeks are vividly evident, feels how it heats up her face. She bites down on her lip, just shakes her head then moves to grab her luggage from the overhead compartment.

She's been more open to Lauren's compliments since her breakup with Lucy, but still, she doesn't want to get her hopes up, and so she always draws the line somewhere.

But she's all lethargic from the flight and when they're waiting for their bags to come out on the belt, she finds her body slumped against Lauren's, head laying on Lauren's shoulder lazily as the older girl holds her up with her arm circled around her waist.

Lauren all but guides her through the airport and towards where Camila's family is waiting for her, Sinu having offered to drop Lauren off on the way back and Chris was all too happy to accept that offer.

Camila properly wakes when she feels the familiar arms of her little sister wrap around her waist, a bright grin coming to her face at the sound of Sofi's  _'I missed you so much, Mila!'_

Meanwhile, Camila notices from the periphery how Lauren introduces herself to her mother, as well as how her mother nods approvingly towards Camila, wiggling her eyebrows in saying that she approves, and while Lauren is oblivious to it, Camila still flushes in embarrassment.

"Hi Sofi," Lauren then moves to introduce herself to her sister. "I've heard  _so_ much about you! I'm Lauren."

"I know!" Sofi chirps, "Mila keeps talking about y—"

 _"Hey! Let's get into the car, huh?"_ Camila cuts in just in time – not that it wasn't obvious where Sofi was going with her sentence – quickly pushing them towards the carpark.

She shoots Sofi a glare, who grimaces apologetically, but she's  _Sofi_ and Camila can't quite stay mad at her for longer than five minutes and so she squeezes her shoulder to let her know it's okay. Her mother casts them a knowing look as she falls into step with Lauren, the two of them seemingly hitting it off and Camila can't help but smile at the sight of it.

Unsurprisingly, she falls right back asleep the moment they get into the car – she and Lauren settling in the backseat since Sofi had called shotgun. Lauren doesn't seem to mind, just like how she doesn't seem to mind that Camila falls asleep on her again, despite how numb her arm must be.

And as much as she loves sleep, she wishes she hadn't, wishes she'd use the car ride to talk to Lauren, knowing that after this, her summer's going to be busy and hectic and stressful, not making much space for time with Lauren.

But she'll take little victories, and her consolation comes with waking up to her face nuzzled in the crook of Lauren's neck, the scent of her something she could get used to waking up next to.

It ends all too soon when Lauren's prying herself carefully away, murmuring under her breath that she needs to go, and Camila groans childishly at that.

"Thank you so much for the lift back, Mrs. Cabello—"

Camila prepares for the flinch on her mother's shoulders. "Please," she breathes out, correcting, "Sinu. And it's no problem at all, dear. It was nice to finally meet you. You're just as lovely as Camila describes."

Both Camila and Lauren wear matching blushes on their cheeks, Camila's more of embarrassment while Lauren's is of flattery. Eventually, after Lauren promises Sofi that they'll hang out, Camila slides out of the car too to help Lauren drag her luggage to the front door.

Standing by her porch, Camila sways in her spot, smiling softly at Lauren.

"Well," she drags out, "I'll see you around?"

"Of course," Lauren confirms, eyes sparkling in the Miami sun. "I mean," she starts, teasing grin cracking on her lips, "I have a date with Sofi, and I'm guessing I'll  _have_ to see you around."

Camila rolls her eyes, hits Lauren lightly in the arm. "You're an ass."

"Yeah, but you adore it," Lauren retorts shamelessly.

She shines a meekly smile. "Well, I'll catch you later. See you," she says moving to turn when Lauren catches her wrist in her hold.

Lauren's arms snake around her for  _one, two three, four, five_  seconds, before she draws away with the softest curve to her lips. "Bye, Camz."

Camila's own smile numbs now, murmuring out a giddy, "Bye, Lo," as she backs away towards the car.

Lauren only heads into her house when Camila's in the car, closing the door behind her after a final wave goodbye.

Letting out a sigh and slumping against the seat, she finds two smug faces watching her.

"Well, she's  _very_ pretty."

Camila bites her lip, shakes her head through a soft laugh she fails to retain. "Yeah, she really is," she mumbles only for herself to hear.

 

All she wants to do is lock herself in her room and blast her music so loud it'll drown her thoughts. But her mother's having an episode and her sister's crying because she doesn't know what's going on and Camila just wants to punch a wall with her father's face there preferably.

Handling Sofi is a lot easier than it is to handle her mother. She presses a kiss to Sofi's head explains to her that  _'Mami gets sad sometimes and it's not your fault,'_ before she sets up the TV, skipping to a channel Sofi likes, allows Sofi to have some ice cream and it's settled. She stops crying as she hugs her pillow, eyes trained on the screen as her tears begin to dry.

It's her mother that takes up her energy. Letting herself into the room, she finds Sinu curled in a ball, unmoving. She'd be worried if she hadn't seen this time and time again, but she has, and it's been her job to pick up the pieces each time since she was fourteen.

"Mami," she shakes Sinu's body carefully. "Please open your mouth," she asks, voice shaky as she does. When she refuses, Camila's forced to press the spoon full of rice against her lips, until her mother finally gives in. "Chew. Come on, mami- you can't keep starving yourself."

She knows why she does it, of course she does.

He'd posted a picture of his new family on Facebook, his  _mistress_ looking like she'd won runner up in some beauty pageant a decade ago, and it still makes Camila cringe at the fact that she's only eight years older than Camila is. Sinu blames herself, she knows this. Camila knows that her mother thinks that it's because she wasn't thin enough, because she was always tired from taking care of the girls, because she was always working too hard and had too little time for her father.

More often than not, her mother's okay. But all it takes is a little trigger, and it sets off a depressive episode that Camila has to navigate cautiously.

 _"Mami,"_  she tries again, her voice cracking.  _"Please,"_ the word breaks.

She's drained from work today and her double shifts from yesterday, too tired to even cook dinner for them that she'd just bought some takeout on the way home. When she'd come home to Sofi sobbing unintelligibly about their mother snapping at her, Camila already knew it was going to be a long night.

"You have to eat," she says, "Then you have to take your medicine, okay?

"Can you  _please_ do it for me?" Camila pleads, she begs, hoping that would shift something in her. "For Sofi, mami. She was so scared and upset and she still doesn't understand. You  _have_ to get better for her, if you don't want to for me."

 _That_ makes her mother turn.

 _"Mija,"_ falls airily from between dry lips. "You deserve so much more than this," she says and Camila sees how her eyes grow glassy. "You deserve a mother who can raise her daughters, a father who is  _here_. I'm so sorry, mija- I'm  _so_ sorry," she cries.

Camila pulls her limp body into her arms, squeezes her mother tight, hoping that's enough to tell her that  _she_ is enough, that she still loves her mother as much as she ever has.

"I'll eat," Sinu finally decides, and a weight is lifted from her shoulders, her heart doesn't ache so much. "I'll eat and I'll take my medication and I'll get better for  _both_ of you, okay? I know I've promised this time and time again, but I will try my best, mija."

Camila nods, "I know," she says, "I know you will."

Her mother falls asleep not too long after. When she heads out to the living room, so is Sofi. She scoops her sister up carefully in her arms, quietly bringing her towards Camila's room where she tucks her in under the blanket, knowing how Sofi prefers to sleep in Camila's bed on nights like these.

Cleaning up the house, placing the plates in the dishwasher, throwing their washed clothes into the dryer, Camila feels the fatigue seep into her bones. Yet, she can't sleep, not with the emotions that are whirling in her head.

Instead, she calls the one person she knows can calm her down, the one person who could bring her some sort of sanity in this mess.

She half expects for Lauren to turn her down, much like Camila has over the last two weeks, but she barely even pauses a second before she's agreeing, no questions asked. She appreciates that part greatly, unsure if she could even handle talking about it tonight.

But she knows Lauren  _wants_ to ask. She can see it in the hesitancy in her eyes, in how she keep trying to read Camila's expressions, hoping something will give.

After, after the batting cages, after the late night drive-thru, after Lauren's dropped her back home, Camila lies in bed, watching Sofi sleep, grateful for how peaceful she looks in slumber.

Her phone buzzes on the nightstand and she has half a mind to ignore it, but she doesn't, and she's glad she doesn't.

 ** _i'm a sucker for the way that you move, babe_** is written under a screenshot of  _her_ song. There's a slight sense of giddiness that rises in her at the fact that Lauren had transferred the song onto her phone, making sure to edit the info to look like it's a legitimate song,  _'I'll Never Be The Same'_ above the name  _'Camila Cabello – An Album I'd Buy The Hell Out Of'_ with a picture that Camila's never even seen – a candid of herself on stage, guitar in her hands, head thrown back as she sings into the mic – as the album artwork.

She's tempted to reply an  _'I love you,' –_ simple as that, but she refrains. She's clouded by emotion right now, and she doesn't think it'll end well either way.

Instead, she posts a blank snapchat, save for a little caption under the timestamp.

_you're in my blood, you're in my veins, you're in my head_

She wonders if Lauren will know exactly how deeply she means those words.

 

Camila knows that her mom is trying, but depression isn't a quick fix and two more  _incidents_ arise over her time back.

But after that third time, her mother seems to be doing a lot better. She's smiling more and she's livelier and Camila can see louder echoes of the woman she used to be.

Everything's good, everything's fine, Camila thinks. Sure, she's still working herself to the bone and there are lapses in her mom's mood, but this is  _good._

Tonight, Camila's managed to convince her mother to actually go out with her friends, to fall back into a social life, and having dropped off Sofi at her Maria's house for a sleepover, Camila finally has time to breathe on her own.

She thinks of asking Lauren out tonight, that maybe this time, Lauren could show Camila all  _her_  favourite spots in Miami. She decides to grab some takeout before dropping by Lauren's place, using food as a bait to get her to agree to going out.

Parking her car, turning to pull the door handle to ensure it's locked, she makes a start down the street towards the kebab store down the corner. Having her earphones stuck in, all of Frank Ocean's latest releases blasting, for once, she thinks she feels  _light._ With  _Chanel_ playing in the background, she pulls out her conversation with Lauren, meaning to text her to ask if she's at home when she almost bumps into a fire hydrant that she closely manages to avoid.

It forces her to look up, realising that maybe she isn't one of those people who can walk and talk at the same time, but when she does, she sees it- she sees him, sees  _them_.

Camila has gone six years now without having to ever see or meet her father's other family. Sure, at times her masochism had risen and she'd stalked his Facebook, trying to get a peek into his other life, but she's never seen them in person. She thought that by now, it wouldn't hurt.

It turns out, she was wrong to think so.

She recognises him first, obviously. But at the same time, she  _doesn't._ She doesn't recognise the  _family man_  he seems to be. For a second, she can't process that the man with a child – no more than three years old, Camila deduces – on his hip and the woman by his side as she pushes a stroller before them is her father, is the same man that walked out on them- the same man that decided that  _this_ family wasn't enough that he'd go out and search for another one.

She remembers an argument she'd had with him, when he'd suggested for her to meet his daughter, telling her that she reminded him  _so much_ of Camila and resentment rose in her for the child. She remembers feeling replaced despite the fact that she doesn't want him to come back, remembers how unwanted she'd felt in that moment.

All those feelings resurface when her eyes lock with her father's. There is no awkward  _hello_ , no rueful smile. There is only him walking past her with his new family on his arm acting like she is nothing more than a stranger.

She keeps walking, not allowing for her tears to fall. She walks until she passes the kebab shop, past the row of shops until she finds the next alley. She only allows herself to cry for three minutes, lets the sobs all out in those 180 seconds before she tries to pull herself together. She will not waste another minute crying over him, she promised herself this a long time ago – and also she's kind of terrified of the alleyway and it'd be a shame to get shanked while crying her heart out.

Looking at the screen of her phone, she deletes the  _'you free right now? :)'_ in the chat with Lauren, and taps on the call icon,

She barely allows Lauren to get her,  _"Hey, Camz!"_ in before she says, "Meet me there in fifteen minutes," trying her best to choke back her sobs, but the broken,  _"Please,"_ gives it all away.

.

When she wakes up the next morning, despite the swelling in her eyes, despite the dryness of her throat, despite the weight of Lauren's arm slung over her waist, she feels lighter. She watches Lauren quietly for a moment, basking in the minutes she can before hazy green eyes peek open.

She thinks of how Lauren had listened last night, how she'd held her tight, how she'd played with Camila's hair in that way that always calms her down. She remembers Lauren's lips against her forehead, tender and sweet and everything Camila needed in that moment. She thinks of Lauren's words, how despite the constant lack of self-worth inside her, she's beginning to believe that maybe she does have value.

Camila almost has to refrain from laughing humourlessly at herself, thinking of how foolish she was to ever think she was over- to ever think that she  _could_ get over Lauren.

She's come to accept that that's never going to happen, and Camila's fine with that as long as Lauren keeps looking at her like this. 

 

**_part v._ **   
  
  


"Do you really have to go back?" Sofi pouts, frown on her eyebrows as she looks up at Camila with her doe brown eyes.

She sends her a rueful smile, "I'm sorry, Sof," Camila apologises. "I need to go back and study then when I'm done with that, it'll help me get a job and I can buy you all the toys you want."

But Sofi only shakes her head. "I'd rather have you than the toys. I miss you already, Kaki. I never know what to do when mami gets sad and I feel really bad seeing her like that."

Her words pull at Camila's heartstrings. Guilt rises in her for having to leave her little sister and it's times like these where she especially considers just transferring her credits to a Miami-based college to be able to be at home.

But being in LA has been her dream, and as much as she loves her family, she told herself that in this one area, she  _needs_ to put herself first.

"Come here," Camila pulls Sofi to sit on the bed next to her. "Mami's trying, okay?" she says, "It's not easy for her, but she's trying her best. But if anything ever happens, you call me and I'll do what I can, I'll come back if I have to. But I really need to do this, Sof- for myself. I love you and mami so much, but I need do have something for myself too."

She hates how selfish she's being, but she made a promise to herself and she has to do this.

She wipes away the tear that falls from Sofi's eyes, presses a kiss to her forehead as Sofi nods.

 _"Mija!"_ she hears her mother call from downstairs, "Your father is waiting outside in the taxi."

Camila smiles down at her sister. "C'mon, do you think you can help me carry my bag?" she asks and Sofi nods enthusiastically, more than happy to help.

When they make it downstairs, after a teary goodbye with her mother and Sofi, she hops into the taxi and sticks her earphones in.

Her father doesn't try to talk to her, and she doesn't know if she's happier that way.

 

She texts Lauren all through the journey, from the ride to the airport, through to security checks and while waiting for the boarding gates to open.

Lauren has a way of making Camila smile without even trying to – the simplest thought of the green-eyed girl enough to lighten the weight in Camila's heart. She's acutely aware that there's a word for the feeling, but she doesn't quite want to get ahead of herself.

Her father and her only exchange necessary conversation  _("Do you have your boarding pass with you, Karla?" "Yes."),_ and he doesn't try to engage her in anything deeper than  _"What did you get for your exams last semester?"_

She should be glad that he isn't forcing conversation onto her, but the lack of effort, it— her phone chimes and Lauren's  _'_ ** _have a safe flight camziiiii <3_** _'_ is enough to keep her mind off it for the remainder of the journey.

 

Living with Lauren, Camila finds, is extremely easy and comfortable. The two of them work well together, with Lauren doing most of the cleaning and Camila doing most of the cooking. They have a working schedule, the two of them looking out for each other and making sure no compulsory classes or lectures  _(emphasis on compulsory)_ are slept through.

And with each time Camila finds Lauren asleep on the couch with a book opened on her chest, with each time Lauren wakes Camila up with a cup of hot chocolate, with each time Lauren entertains her corny pickup lines, Camila swears she feels deeper for Lauren.

"Cami," she hears, pulling her out of her thoughts. When she brings herself back to reality, she finds Ariana looking at her speculatively from below, head laying in her lap as she sits cross-legged on the couch. "Stop looking at the door," she says, poking Camila's stomach playfully, a soft giggle escaping her lips at the feeling, "It's not going to make her come home any faster."

But then, right on cue, keys jingle on the opposite side of the door, a  _click_ , then Lauren steps out from behind it and into the apartment.

Camila shoots Ariana a smug look, Ariana mouthing,  _'Totally coincidental,'_ to.

"Hey!" Camila calls out, Lauren's eyes flitting towards her, face lighting up.

"Hi, Camz," she greets, grin bright on her lips. She comes closer to them after putting her bag down by the foot of the couch and finally notices Ari, "Oh, hey, Ariana," she adds with a smile that looks a little more forced.

Camila doesn't think anything of it because there's nothing to think  _of._

"How were classes?" she asks as Lauren bends to grab something from her bag.

"Lecturer was boring, but topic was interesting," she answers as she comes back into Camila's view, settling in the loveseat to her left. "I bought you a donut from that place on the way back," she says, tossing it softly towards her that Camila (surprisingly) manages to catch. Then, with a grimace on her face, "Sorry I didn't get you an extra one," she tells Ari apologetically, "I didn't know you were over."

But Ariana only sends her a soft smile, waves her off. "Don't worry bout it," she assures.

"What're you two up to?"

Camila shrugs coyly. "This and that," she teases.

But Ariana cuts in and takes over instead, "We're working on a new song of hers," she reveals and Lauren's brows raise in question at that, as if she's saying  _'Oh?'._ "Yeah," Ariana continues, "I'm helping out with some lyrics, but I don't even know why- she seems to have this thing handled," she tells proudly and Camila blushes under the compliment. "Also, it's not like she's accepting my suggestions," Ari pouts.

"You two are cute," Lauren says, but Camila  _swears_ she hears something biting in her tone.

"Yeah, and if only Ms. Cabello here would give me another chance," Ari jokes, poking at Camila's stomach. "Too bad you're too far up—"

Camila clasps her hand over Ariana's mouth just in time, eyes wide open, and Ariana shoots her an apologetic look before Camila finally lets go.

She laughs nervously, and Lauren only eyes them speculatively.

 _"Anyway,"_ Camila's quick to redirect conversation. "I'll probably play this new song next gig, so if you come..."

Lauren scoffs lightly. "Camz, you  _know_  I'll be there," she says so surely and Camila's heart flutters at that.

"I mean," she trails off, "I didn't want to assume or anyth—"

Lauren cuts her off with a, "Well, you can assume all you want because I promised you I'd be at every gig and every open mic and every poetry slam, and I'm going to come through on that."

There's an uncontrollable smile that breaks on Camila's lips, and despite the fact that Ariana's still laying on her lap (eyes focused on her phone), Lauren's gaze has the tendency of making Camila feel like they were the only two people in the room, the only ones left in the world even.

Ariana sitting up pulls her out of her Lauren-induced trance. "Right," she starts, "I gotta bounce since I'm of no use here, so I shall leave you two to..." she waves vaguely between them,  _"this,_ and I'll see you two around," she says moving to stand up before she bends down and presses a kiss to Camila's forehead that she smiles up to.

"Bye, boo," Camila grins at her as Ariana collects her things, blowing a kiss both their ways before she lets herself out.

The moment the door clicks shut after her, Camila feels the couch dip beside her, grinning as she finds Lauren right next to her.

"Okay," she starts, "You still have more writing to do, or can we continue binge-watching  _Narcos?"_

Camila smiles brightly, shutting her laptop as she passes Lauren the remote. "I'm gonna be  _real_ sad watching Pablo die," she says.

_"Camz."_

"I mean, like- in the  _show_ , not in  _real_ life!" she defends, and Lauren's façade breaks, smile cracking on her lips. "He did do terrible things and all, but c'mon, Lo- don't tell me you don't love him!"

She lets out that soft laugh of hers, the airy one that makes Camila feel like she's floating. " _Narcos-Pablo,_ yes.  _Real-Pablo,_ not so much."

"See!" Camila grins satisfied, and Lauren shakes her head amused.

These are Camila's favourite moments, the ones where it's just the two of them, just with each other, doing anything between nothing and everything. She doesn't think she'll ever feel this level of comfort with anyone else, unsure if she would even want to look for it if it's out there.

"Oi," she hears and she finds Lauren frowning at her. "Pay attention," she scolds lightly, pointing at the screen. "I'm not going to explain to you the whole episode again because you weren't focussing," she huffs cutely.

Camila nods, biting her smile away.  _Yeah,_ she thinks, as Lauren rests her head against Camila's shoulder,  _definitely her favourite moments._

"You just have to sign them, that's  _it._ We'll be done," Camila says into her phone. "The documents are all ready, mami- they've been ready for _two years_ , they just need your signature and it'll all be over. It won't hurt anymore."

_"It's not as easy as that, Karla!"_

"I  _told_  you not to call me that!" Camila raises her voice, immediately regretting it, squeezing her eyes shut as she tries to regain some composure. "Mami," she starts, her voice softer now, "This has been going on for too long. We can't—"

_"I still love him, Mila."_

"I don't- he  _left_ us. He  _chose another family_. You gave him chances, over, and over again and each time, he  _left_!"

 _"I can't help it,"_ she hears the defeat in her mother's voice, and a part of her knows this, understand what she means, but at the same time, she can't quite place logic behind her mother's feelings.

"No," she shakes her head to herself as she paces around the space of the living room, "fuck him," she swears, not even caring that it's her mother she's talking to. "I've had enough. He has hurt you for far too long, and he's hurting Sofi and he's hurting  _me._ It hurts me too. You think I don't miss having a father every day? You think I don't miss how he used to  _love_ me? I'm  _tired,_ and if you won't do this for you, just do it for me."

_"I—"_

She knows what her mother's going to say. She knows she doesn't have her convinced, that she's probably going to try grovel at her father's feet once more, only to face rejection.

Camila can't bear to hear it, so she doesn't. "I'll talk to you soon, mami."

She's ready to pull her hair out, ready to scream into a pillow, tempted to break something, but when she turns on her heel, she finds Lauren looking at her with worry and concern on her face.

 _"Camila—"_ falls from between her lips but she  _needs to_ get it out, she needs to word her feelings.

And she does, and Lauren listens. She watches her carefully, biting at her lip, and Camila can see that Lauren's eyes are tearing too, especially when Camila finally breaks,  _"I deserve better,"_ on her lips.

The embrace she's pulled into doesn't help much, but it makes her relax the slightest bit. It holds her together and it's her only salvation right now.

Lauren lets her continue on her rant, lets her spew words of hate and loathing and anger, but when Camila's voice cracks under the,  _"I wasn't enough,"_ Lauren doesn't allow it.

 _"No,"_ Lauren refutes, the word hard and strong as she shakes her head adamantly that it almost shocks Camila. "No- you're  _so_ much more than  _enough,_ Camz,  _so_ much – he just couldn't see that. And that's on him, and  _only_  him." Her hands come to cup Camila's cheeks, forced to look back at Lauren, almost beginning to believe her words. "It's his fault and his lost that he's not appreciating you and your mom and Sofi for what you all are, for what  _you_ are.

"You're so much more, that sometimes you're too much. You're  _too_  good, you're  _too_  loving,  _too_  caring,  _too_ -  _you're too much_ ," Lauren repeats, a softness to her words with her eyes twinkling at Camila,  _that_ stare gazing at her and Camila almost breaks.

She feels how her eyes have glassed over, feels tear after tear rolls down her cheekbones, but Lauren wipes them away.

"I don't care how many times I have to say it, but I'll keep on repeating how amazing you are until you finally believe it."

It's overwhelming – the anger towards her father, her resentment towards her mother, the pain she bares for her sister, her love for Lauren,  _her love for Lauren, her love for Lauren._  All her feelings get caught in the back of her throat, choking her and she can't seem to breathe, can't seem to think of anything besides how Lauren is here, how Lauren has been here, and she breaks. All her restraints, her hesitancy is thrown out, and she doesn't think, just does, just steps in, just pulls Lauren closer, pressing her lips against Lauren's, moves them almost forcefully against hers. But it's  _wrong,_  it's so wrong, it's nothing like she imagined and when she pulls away, when she sees the look on Lauren's face she knows she messed up. She knows she's ruined everything.

She knows she's misread every signal, knows that she's been too clouded by her own feelings that she must have imposed some of them onto Lauren. She feels like a fool, like an idiot and embarrassment flushes through her whole body, feeling it in every nerve ending.

 _"Oh my God,"_ she manages to get out, a panicked apology comes tumbling out before she runs.

She only makes it so far as the stairwell of their building, slumping against the wall as she tries to process the last minute. All she wants to do is have someone hold her, someone try to squeeze the pain and confusion away, but the only person's arms she wants around her is the very same person she'd just left.

She doesn't call Ally, doesn't text Dinah, doesn't contact Normani. She knows that Lauren will probably need them too. Instead, she scrolls down her contact list, taps on the first name she feels she could seek refuge in.

The dial tone rings four times over before it's picked up.

"Mila?" she hears, the voice alone helping her calm down.

"Shawn?" she croaks out, voice rough from her tears and her emotions choking her. "Can I stay over tonight please?"

 

"You have to stop avoiding her."

"I will do whatever I want," Camila retorts stubbornly.

"But... you don't actually  _want_ to avoid her," Ariana points out.

Camila furrows her brows in thought, "I mean... yeah, I don't... but I  _have_ to."

"You're being stupid, Mila," she scolds bluntly. "How long are you going to hide out in my place or Shawn's or Hailee's for? This is  _not_ a solution."

 _"Shh,"_ Camila shushes her. "What happened to easy-going Ari? I miss her. I don't want this rational-Ari anymore."

"She died with the 30th rejection from you," Ariana teases and Camila rolls her eyes playfully. "But, come on, Cami- this isn't helping either of you. She's obviously upset about the distance too."

Camila shakes her head. "Can we please not talk about how I ruined my friendship with Lauren by being delusional enough to think she'd want to kiss me back? Let's just finish getting ready and drink our asses off."

Ariana gives her a disapproving look. "Fine, but know that I think this is a mistake and I'm only doing it because I love you," she says as she fills in her brows.

She bites down on her lip hard, her gut too telling her that tonight will be a mistake. For now, she ignores it.

 

When she wakes up, her dress stripped off her, finding Ari just as equally bare next to her, she knows she should've paid more mind to her gut feeling.

In her panicked state, she manages to write a rushed note apologising to Ariana before she slips her dress back on and hurries out of her place.

She calls the first person she can think of, and when Ally meet her back at her place fifteen minutes later, she's in tears as she recounts the last few weeks.

She feels like a terrible person, having used Ari like that, having treated Lauren as such, having been stupid enough to try anything with Lauren in the first place.

"I'm so fucking terrified of how deeply in love I am with her."

Ally holds her tight, rubs soothing circles with her palm against Camila's back.

"You're not a bad person, Mila," Ally tells her softly, wills for her to believe it. "Yeah, you used Ariana, and yeah, you distancing yourself from Lauren only hurt her, but you're not a bad person. You're human and you made a mistake. And that's okay," she says, "but you need to make it right.

"You need to make sure things are okay with Lauren. But I think you should start with Ari," Ally says, turning to reach for Camila's phone and putting in into her palm.

Camila takes a deep breath, nods to Ally and murmurs a soft, but genuine  _'Thank you, Als,'_ before she taps on the phone icon.

 

"I'm so sorry," she apologises, choking over her sob that threatens to fall. "I didn't mean to use you like that- I really just- I was so drunk and I took advantage of  _us_ and... I feel so terrible, Ari."

There's a quiet pause on the other end, the suspense killing Camila. She doesn't know where her friendship stands with Lauren, and she can barely stand the thought of losing Ari as a friend too. But then she speaks and Camila breathes again.  _"I'm not going to lie- it kind of hurt to wake up to you gone, but... no offense, Cami, but I'm not in love with you anymore_

_"I love you- I will probably always love you, but I think I fell out of love when I saw how in love you were with Lauren."_

Camila doesn't think she's ever felt so relieved for someone's lack of feelings towards her.

"Oh my God, I love you so much," Camila breathes out, wanting nothing more than to just hug Ariana right now.

There's a soft laugh on Ariana's end _. "Now, now- don't go falling for me,"_  she teases. But then her voice grows serious when she says,  _"We're good, we're okay- but you need to fix whatever it is between you and Lauren. Don't let her get away like how I let you get away."_

A lone tear falls, rolls down her cheek. "You know," Camila starts, "I think in another life, you and I would be married happily with a couple of dogs and a little kid."

 _"I think so too,"_ Ari replies and Camila can see the gentle smile on her lips.  _"But in this life, I strongly believe that I see that with you and Lauren."_

Camila's heart lightens at the image of that. "Yeah," she smiles, "Hopefully."

 

Later that night, with her arms back around Lauren as they wait for sleep to invade them, with the sweet scent that Camila could place as  _Lauren_ anytime, anywhere, her axis shifts back into place, her world falls back into orbit, and everything feels right once more.

 

"I'm not 532," she admits, watches how Lauren's expressions falls even more and for some odd reason, she's flattered at the sight. "But," she takes a deep breath, thinks,  _'Here we go,'_ before she finally says, "I don't need to be some anonymous poster online to have feelings for you."

After Lauren too confesses her feelings, after Camila feels all light and happy and like everything is finally going her way, after an earth shattering  _(third)_ kiss, when Lauren cuts off Camila's reply to the start of her pickup line with,  _"Because I'm_ Havana little crush on you," Camila pinpoints this as the moment she decides she wants a whole life and then some with Lauren.   
  
  


**_epilogue._ **   
  
  


She feels indescribably free when her mother tells her that she's finally filed for divorce. She tells Sinu she loves her, thanks her for being so strong, tells her that she'll be back soon enough to go through it all with her.

Lauren worries for her, she knows this, but it's a weight lifted off her back – a weight that's been there, that's been crushing her for the past seven years.

They celebrate with the girls, and then they celebrate with just the two of them later at night in the comfort of their bedroom, with declarations of love being murmured and kissed into sweat-slicked skin.

It's been a little over a year since their first  _'I love you,'_ but Camila still grins just as bright, her stomach still flips just as violently at each one that falls from Lauren's lips, never tiring from hearing those three words.

Camila vaguely wonders if Lauren is the universe's way of repaying her for everything it's put her through over the years, thinks that if it's so, she'd go through it all, then two times again, if Lauren was at the end of it.

"What're you thinking about?"

Camila's eyes meet green, the hazy colour of it twinkling under the moonlight that sneaks its way through the gap in the blinds. "The universe. You," she answers honestly as she reaches to tuck a falling strand of brunette hair behind Lauren's ear. "How they're one in the same."

"I'm the same as the universe?"

Camila shakes her head, "No, more that you're my universe- my whole world, my everything."

A gentle curve comes to Lauren's lips, tugging the corners up softly. "That's corny and gay," she teases.

Camila shrugs. "Yeah, well,  _I'm_  corny and gay."

"That you are," Lauren grins so brightly that the corners of her eyes crinkle. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

 

"Let's go somewhere."

Lauren eyes her curiously. "Like... the park-somewhere or...?"

Camila shakes her head, shines a smile at Lauren. "No, like- after graduation- let's fly somewhere the two of us and have a little honeymoon."

"I think it's just called a vacation, babe," Lauren replies, amused, "Honeymoons are for newlyweds."

Camila pouts, sticking her bottom lip out and wears her largest puppy dog eyes she can when Lauren finally lets a huff out, leans in and pecks her lips chastely. "Fine," she concedes, "We can call it a honeymoon, okay?"

The grin she wears is bright and satisfied as she presses their lips together once more. "This can be like, our  _pre-_ honeymoon, then when we do get married, that'll be our  _honeymoon-_ honeymoon."

A wide smile breaks on Lauren's lips. "Anything you want, Camz," she tells her.

Camila will never tire of the look on Lauren's face each time she mentions the prospect of marriage, how a certain, unnameable joy lights up her expressions.

"Great!" she chirps, reaching for her laptop and dragging in towards her on the bed. "C'mere," she mumbles, patting at the empty space beside her before Lauren joins her in lying on her stomach next to her. "Where do you wanna go?"

"Wherever you want," Lauren replies, pressing a kiss to Camila's cheek. "The destination doesn't matter to me as long as you're there."

Camila rolls her eyes despite the grin she wears. "That's cute and sweet and all, but that's not helping me," she deadpans.

A soft laugh materialises from between smiling lips. "Alright, alright," she concedes, "Let's see where's within our budget, yeah?"

 

They end up not going on the pre-honeymoon when they decide that they want to move in together after graduation. Lauren reasons that they'll need as much of their own money to make their place really  _theirs_  and Camila agrees.

But Lauren promises with a kiss to Camila's lips that their  _honeymoon_ -honeymoon will happen and that they'll go to somewhere like Cancún or Nicaragua – the older girl already secretly putting some money aside for the trip.

But in hindsight, Camila kind of wishes they just went on the trip and didn't choose to get a place together because decorating their own place comes with a different kind of stress that Camila can _not_ deal with.

 _"Babe,"_ she whines, "We've been here for three hours now and we're no closer than we were in the beginning to choosing the right couch."

"Camila," Lauren says, voice serious with the use of her full name. "A couch is  _fundamental_ to a home. When people come over and sit on our couch, they'll be able to know what kind of people we are – whether we're those rigid, boring people, or that really cute and homey lesbian couple that lives in 406."

Despite how tired she is from their entire day of shopping, Lauren manages to elicit a laugh from Camila.

"I love you, you dork," she says and Lauren grins, the serious façade she'd put on dissipating with the toothy smile she wears.

"And I love you," she says, "But come, this one's pretty comfortable," Lauren tugs on Camila's arm, and because of Camila's lack of balance, half her body falls on Lauren's lap.

Then, snuggling back into her girlfriend, she says, "Yeah, this  _is_ pretty comfortable."

"You're lame," Lauren says and Camila already knows she's rolling her eyes. Lifting her by the waist, Lauren deposits Camila onto the cushion of the couch, huffing out a,  _"There."_

Her body immediately sinks into the seat, the soft, plushness of its cushions enveloping her and Camila decides that whatever she feels for Lauren is redundant because  _this_ is what being in love feels like.

"You know what, I don't need you anymore, you can keep your cuddles, this couch is enough for me," Camila says, eyes closed blissfully as she lays back in the sofa.

Lauren scoffs, "As if you can even last a night without cuddling me."

Camila would feel downright offended by how dependent Lauren assumes she is, but instead, too relaxed by the comfort of the couch, she just hums, saying, "We're totally buying this one."

 

Later that night, when Lauren sleeps with her back turned to Camila, petulant pout on her lips and exaggerated sighs on her breath, Camila caves.

She turns and snakes her arms around Lauren's body, pretends that she doesn't hear the content sighs on both their lips as Lauren snuggles back into Camila.

"See," she hears Lauren mumble in the dark of the night, "I knew you wouldn't last."

Camila shakes her head through her laugh. She figures she doesn't mind being wrong if it means Lauren will be in her arms every night.

 

Turns out, Lauren was right about being unable to be without her. On their first night apart, when Camila flies back from DC after helping Lauren move into her new place  _(the thought itself stings – the fact that they'd_ just  _moved in together, and now Lauren was moving_ again), she has to wipe away the tears that well up in her eyes at the feel of an empty bed.

Perhaps she has become too dependent on Lauren, and it's only now that they're apart does she realise how dangerous it's become. But Lauren must know, because just as a lone tear threatens to fall, her phone sounds, and Camila jumps to answer it quickly when she recognises it to be Lauren's ringtone.

 _"Could you sleep?"_ Lauren asks as her greeting, and Camila shakes her head as she answers.  _"Me too,"_ she says,  _"Can we stay on the line until we sleep?"_

She chokes back her sob at that. "Yeah," she presses on a watery smile only for herself to see. "Please, let's do that."

 

She doesn't realise exactly how lonely it is to live on your own – especially when you're not supposed to be living on your own.

Every third week, they fly to see each other for the weekend, alternating between the two cities, but that's not enough for Camila.

She finds herself spending most of her free time back at home with her mother and Sofi, even frequenting the Jauregui house, glad for any reminder of Lauren. They text and they Skype a lot, but it doesn't fill the void in her.

She wants to be selfish, wants to ask Lauren to come back – but the girl of her dreams is doing the job of her dreams and Camila hates herself for even thinking it.

It seems to really get to her. Her colleagues ask her if she's getting enough sleep every day, concern in their voices. Dinah calls more often than before, and while she plays it off like she was just bored and wanted to talk, Camila knows she does it because Dinah knows how lonely she's getting and she loves the girl all the more for it.

But her job at the studio doesn't pay her enough to sustain the apartment and when the lease is up, Camila talks to Lauren about not staying there anymore. Lauren agrees, saying she understands, but Camila can hear the tinge of resentment in her voice. She doesn't want to fight, so she just tells her she loves her and puts down the phone.

Camila moves back into her mother's house, and Sofi's all too happy about it. She wishes she could share the same enthusiasm, but the apartment was supposed to be where she and Lauren would start their lives  _together_ , and now, it's just being emptied once more.

She begs her mother to allow her one piece of furniture in the living room, and when Sinu does agree, she borrows her cousin's pick-up truck to transport their couch from the apartment to her house.

She ends up spending more nights falling asleep on it than she does in her own bed.

 

They fight and argue more often than not and Camila hates it.

They go days without talking to each other after small spats and Camila worries that this is only leading to the inevitable.

She still loves her just as strongly as she has ever, her heart still beats for Lauren as fiercely and Lauren remains the muse to all her words, but the distance between them is hard to navigate.

Here she is, stuck in Miami in her mother's house, trying to get either her music or her poetry out there, struggling to even get anyone to listen, while Lauren's in DC, already working her dream job at the age of twenty-six.

She feels useless and unaccomplished and despite the words of encouragement she continues to get from the girls, she feels like she's going nowhere. She knew it was a risk to go into the arts, knew that it's never a sure thing when it comes to job prospects, but she believed, and when she was starting off in college, she thought that was enough.

But adulthood has hit her hard across the face and here she is: stuck in Miami in her mother's house.

It's the longest she's ever gone without talking to Lauren since she'd first met her all those years ago. The three weeks feel like a lifetime and Camila itches to reach for the phone but she doesn't even know what she'd say if Lauren will even answer.

"Are you and Lo not together anymore?"

She looks at Sofi for a moment, tears already building in her eyes. The thought of that daunts her. "We are," she says, but even she hears how unsure she sounds.

"Do you still love each other?"

Camila presses on a smile. "More than anything, Sof."

"Then what are you doing here?" she asks, simple as that.

"What?" Camila furrows her brows, "What do you mean?"

Sofi puts on a face that reads  _duh_ and Camila wants to chide her for being sassy, but she continues, "You love each other and you're together, but you're  _not._ Why are you here instead of being with her?"

She opens and closes her mouth, words failing her. "I- I can't just... Miami is  _home_ \- I can't leave you and mami again, it's not—"

"That's an excuse," Sofi interrupts and Camila's shocked by her younger sister's bluntness. "Mami's better now, and I'm okay. I'm big enough now and I know I said that all I want is for you to be here, but more than that, I want you to be happy. You're not happy without Lauren.

"I'm fifteen now, Mila," she says, "I know you still want to take care of me, but- I'll be okay. And if mami's ever not okay,  _I'll_ take care of her. You've looked out for us for long enough, I think it's time you really put yourself first."

She lets the tears fall then, pulls her younger sister into her arms and holds her tight. "When did you become so smart, huh?"

Sofi scoffs jokingly, "Well  _some_ one in our family's gotta be."

Ignoring the jabbing remark, Camila presses a purposefully wet kiss to Sofi's cheek, telling her, "I love you, Sof," as she laughs at the sight of her sister wiping her face with her sleeve.

"You're gross," she retorts, then, lips softening, "But I love you too."

 

Settling down in DC becomes a lot easier than she expects. Maybe it's because she finally found her place, or maybe it's because she has Lauren by her side once more.

She works at a café nearby and while the pay isn't substantial by any means, it gives her enough time to put in work into her book, after having searched tirelessly for a publisher that would take her on.

She still writes her music, and she still performs, but as of now, her focus remains on the poetry. It was her first love, her solace when she felt like nothing was going right in her life and so that's where she starts.

Lauren entertains her whilst she writes and rewrites each piece, brings her food when Camila loses all sense of time and skips her dinners, too busy with writing words in her journal. She helps her read over her lines, confirming that they make sense since her own brain is too jumbled with thoughts and words, even helping her draw visualisations for it.

"Laur!" she calls out, and no sooner than ten seconds later, Lauren's walking into the study, a soft smile on her face a cup of hot chocolate in her hand.

"Yeah?" Lauren answers, placing the mug carefully on the desk, pressing a soft kiss to Camila's head.

"Tell me if this makes sense," she says, handing Lauren her journal, the older woman humming as she reads the words aloud.

 

_the moon shines over cascading raven hair,_   
_the glowing light brightening green eyes._   
_always, she thought,_   
_the appreciation over emerald eyes were overrated,_   
_'why couldn't my brown eyes be loved just as much?'_   
_but when she saw the twinkle in them that night with sea salt in the air_   
_she finally understood._

_she's still not the biggest fan of green eyes._   
_it's only her eyes._   
_it's only her._

_her eyes reveal everything, she finds._   
_they tell her she loves her_   
_with the sparkle that can be found in any light,_   
_they tell her when she's sad_   
_with the dull grey it turns into,_   
_they tell her when she's angry_   
_with the fire that alights fiercely in them._

_she wonders if tonight, they'll tell her 'yes'._

_— marry me?_   
  
  


"I think you could change the ending of the first verse, it doesn't flow as nice as the rest," Lauren remarks, Camila watching amused as she continues to keep her focus on skimming through the words. Camila coughs once, clears her throat in attempt to gain her attention. "But I really like the rest of it, it's actually really—"

 _"Lo,"_ Camila tries again and Lauren hums in acknowledgement.

When Lauren's eyes dart up from the pages, meeting Camila's, she watches how her breath visibly hitches at the sight of Camila on a bended knee, looking up at her with a velvet box in her palm.

"I think," she starts, "the first time I realised I had feelings for you was that night on the beach. Then I'm pretty sure it was just a downward spiral into falling deeper and deeper in love with you," Camila grins, and Lauren lets out a teary laugh at that. "I fell for your brain, I fell for you heart, and I fell for you. And every day you remind me of what it's like to be loved in return, and I can't be more thankful for that. I think I knew the first time I ever saw you – outside the library all those years ago – that you were something special, I just didn't know until a little later that you'd be something special  _to_   _me._

"I have a whole speech planned out for you, but I think you know how deeply I feel about you, and also my leg's starting to cramp up and before that happens I just wanted to ask in the traditional way if you'd be my—"

 _"Yes!"_ Lauren answers before she can even finish, moving to pull Camila up and into her arms,  _"Yes, yes I'll be your wife, yes I'll marry you- yes to the whole nine yards and more."_

All the nerves she felt building up to this moment dissipate with each kiss Lauren presses to her face, with how each joy-filled tear that rolls down both hers and Lauren's cheeks.

"You haven't even seen the ring yet," Camila laughs against Lauren's mouth.

"Shut up and let me kiss my fiancée, will you?" Lauren scolds fitting their lips back together. But then Camila feels the bubbles of laughter against her lips and when she pulls away, confusion on her face, Lauren only continues to giggle, resting her head on Camila's shoulder as she does.

"I can't believe I'm so stupid," Lauren giggles, and Camila's really puzzled as to what is happening. "I read the whole thing  _twice_ over and it didn't even click to me until I saw you on one knee."

Camila can't help but laugh along too, though more amused by  _Lauren_  being amused than she is of the situation.  _"Hey,"_ she chides, "Don't call my fiancée stupid," Camila says, grinning widely and she sees how Lauren bites on her lip bashfully at that. "She's dumb  _at worst."_

The punch Lauren lands on Camila's shoulder is not hard enough to hurt, but she exaggerates her pout anyway.

"Whatever," Lauren retorts, rolling her eyes, then with a smug look on her face,  _"You're_ the one whofell for my  _dumb brain_ , remember?"

 _"Yeah,"_ Camila grins, "And I'm so glad I did."

 

"I introduce this song the same way each time I perform it. First off, it's my favourite song to sing since I get to whip out the electric guitar for it and I personally think it makes me look pretty badass," Camila says into the mic and the crowd laughs along with her. "So, usually, I'd tell you about how I wrote this song, who inspired me, and I guess this time I have to introduce it differently since... circumstances."

The audience seems to quiet down at that, noticing the solemn look on her face.

"I'd usually tell you how I wrote this the same night I went out with this amazing girl for the first time, how I knew she'd change my life forever from that point on. I'd tell you how I wrote this for my girlfriend, but I guess," she pauses, "I guess this time I'll say that I wrote this for my ex-girlfriend."

There's a quiet murmur in the venue around her, a couple rueful  _Aws_ filling the space.

But just as Camila's about to speak into the mic again, it's snatched away from her, a wisp of dark hair in front of her and she can't help but grin widely as Lauren quickly says, "Excuse her, everyone," she says, "Hi- uh, I'm the ex-girlfriend," Lauren introduces awkwardly and the murmurs begin to get louder, and so Lauren quickly adds, "and  _current fiancée!"_ and the chatter around the venue echo out excitedly and happily, the  _Awws!_ more cooing rather than sympathetic. "Please excuse her, she has the weirdest sense of humour that I probably only find remotely funny."

Camila puts on an affronted look and the people in the crowd laugh at the banter between the two of them.

"Right, now, since that's cleared up, I'll let her wow you with her talent."

A couple more cheers sound out as Lauren adjusts the mic stand to face Camila once more, the older woman rolling her eyes at Camila who wears a happy grin on her lips.

"We agreed to not use that joke!" Lauren scolds, and Camila only shrugs, Lauren huffing before she makes a move off stage.

But Camila catches her with an  _"Oi!"_ and she turns back around, shaking her head despite the smile on her lips betraying her before she leans over and presses a kiss to Camila's forehead, Camila smiling proudly to herself as she revels in the touch.

"Okay," Camila chirps, eyes twinkling as she watches Lauren make her way off stage for real this time, "Now- inspired by my beautiful  _fiancée_ :" she emphasises with a shining smile, "here's  _'I'll Never Be The Same'."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really think i should stop this story. thank you if you've made it all the way here. bless ur heart. i saw yall wanted the proposal scene so voila
> 
> and finally to clarify for once and for all, CAMILA. IS. NOT. 532. LUCY. IS. 532.
> 
> writing this part was emotionally taxing because well i put quite a lot of my experiences into camila's story so wording it out was both cathartic and kind of brought up old emotions, so i'd hella appreciate if y'all would show this chap (and the whole fic tbh) some love bc i put a lot of myself into it. 
> 
> so, finally, i think, for real, this story really is done. anyway, love you all for the love you've given this fic. thank you so much for sticking through. <3

**Author's Note:**

> *youtuber voice* don't forget to like, comment and subscribe! social media and merch links down below! 
> 
> ok was jk about the latter part, but do leave me some love <3


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